Determination!

SO... I weighed in today, thinking that today was the day I'd hit my 30 lb loss... and I was 0.6 lbs short... Here I'd lost 3.7 lbs, which is really pretty good for one week, (especially since we celebrated my birthday Friday night and I did allow myself to enjoy a margarita... and a birthday shot of Patron... and Cai Cai's shot of Patron... sending my body not only into a tipsy spell but also somewhat of carb shock that kept me out of ketosis for two days)... but as I stood on the scale, and saw the numbers... instead of being happy with a 3.7 loss, I was disappointed because I was so close to that target, but not close enough!
As I was sitting in the parking lot at the pharmacy, after my appointment, I was looking through my calendar and realized that I had actually set next week as the target date for losing 30 lbs.... so I was sort of ahead of the game... and in true Megan fashion... instead of offering myself a little grace... I raised the bar and decided that I would set another goal for next week...
Ironic enough, my weight loss counselor and I engaged in a 30 min conversation (pastoral care conversation) where I extended to her an invitation to accept some grace and forgiveness for herself and set boundaries... It was a pretty powerful conversation, actually... that started out as girl talk, took a turn when she asked me, out of curiosity, "Do you go to church?" and I responded with "yeah... actually I'm a minister"... and got rather deep, theologically and spiritually, rather quick.  It was actually refreshing to have such a receptive response to my announcement of my profession.... a lot of times I get that deer in the headlights look, followed by an awkward silence, that can mean anything from "Oh shit, what have I said in front of her?" to "Ok, so is she gonna preach at me?"  Instead she lit up and smiled and I could see a sense of relief that she could be authentic with me instead of talking in some PC code because she was at work and I am a "customer."  She is a beautiful woman with a beautiful spirit and a beautiful heart and I was blessed to have been let inside.
Anyway... I think there is a healthy balance between grace and forgiveness and self-respecting determination and strong will.  I guess that's where boundaries come in!  ...and so it comes full circle...
Soooooo... Watch out!  I'm on a serious mission this week! I am determined to lose at least 5.6 lbs in the next 10 days... which means that I will have lost 35 lbs (in 10 weeks) before graduation!

Honestly, I'm just feeling so incredibly blessed lately... graduation... ordination... weight loss... all monumental milestones/goals/battles won that have required a great deal of determination.
I love my job and have gotten a great deal of external affirmation that I do it well, lately...
Cedric and I doing better than we ever have... from where I stand... in that, we are communicating... and even when we have a scuffle... we stay engaged... I think we've learned how to lean in to each other... and it feels good!
I think my reflection on all of this today is the common theme of determination... there have been valleys and mountaintops in each of these ventures... and while two of these ventures are coming to an end on a mountaintop, I know that they are only paths to other ventures that will come with their own valleys... and while this particular leg of the weight loss race has been smooth sailing... this isn't the first time I have lost weight or tried to lose weight... and it's not always going to fall off like taking off layers of clothes.... and when its all gone... that won't be the end either, because the new battle will be staying committed to being healthy!  And while Cedric and I are enjoying the view from another honeymoon stay, we havea  lifetime of trials and tribulations to conquer together and it we won't always feel as seamlessly connected as we do right now...
Determination... I am so thankful our parents taught us what it means... because all three of us (my siblings and I... and our significant others too) have been blessed because of it!  We watched our parents model what it means to meet God in the middle... We are certainly blessed to swim in an ocean of lemonade... and we're all determined to make more of it because God has an endless supply of straws!

Speaking of determination... I think I need to work on the balance between determination and hard-headed foolishness as Lillie (in her cute little pink sweater) and I sit, curled up in a ball, toes freezing, wrapped in a blanket on the couch because my house is 60 degrees and I refuse to turn on the heater because I'm not ready to start paying those ridiculous winter electric bills!

 On another note... I am so excited... THE SING OFF is back and I am watching last night's episode! YAY! If you haven't seen this show... you SHOULD! It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside!

And last but not least... tomorrow will be my LAST middle of the week, one day trip to Tulsa for my LAST class of Seminary! Get it!

Week 9
Total weight loss... 29.4 lbs

Hallelujah!

SO... I have officially turned in my last assignment for my last class.... and 17 days from now...
I WILL GRADUATE!
Yes... I am done... I have ordered my transcript... I have spoken to my professor about what else she needs from me... and she said over and over and over again... "You're done.  BREATHE!  YOU ARE DONE!"
I'M DONE!
IT'S OVER!
and I am going to be 35 lbs lighter at my graduation than I was when I started... and by the time Ordination gets here I will have lost 65 lbs... Those are my goals... I have 2 1/2 weeks to lose 9.5 lbs which I know I can do!
And then I have 13 weeks to lose the next 30 lbs...  I will be a new me... I'm already a new me...

I can't believe this is over... it's such a huge weight off my shoulders... maybe having it gone will help with the physical weight!
I can't wait until Dec 18, when I go to my hooding ceremony and know that it's all real...
Then I will take a little break for the holidays... from stressing not from dieting... and start planning Ordination first thing in January... I don't even know where to begin... but I am pretty sure that the opening hymn is going to be the Hallelujah chorus....
Ordination may be the most sacred and holy time of my whole life... but, there is room for joyful and playful rejoicing... if I have learned anything at the hospital, it's that there is always room for joyful, playful rejoicing!
So, I'll shout it form the mountaintop, the tabletop, the mall, the airport...
Hallelujah... I'm DONE!

Happy Holidays!

So it's been a wonderful holiday week.  Mom came in Tuesday night.  Dad came in Wed.  We got to video chat with the Kitterlin's until Jack shut us down... literally - we were saying goodbye and he closed the laptop... it was hilarious!
Thursday I worked my little tail off from 8a to noon and then picked up Grammy and Charlie at the train station, Cedric from his house... and headed over to Jake and Ashley's.  We had a full house of friends and family... and celebrated with good for you food and lots of laughter.  I made Mashed cauliflower instead of potatoes and Mom made a delicious turkey.  There was mashed sweet potatoes made with Greek yogurt and fat free cream cheese (which I had a few spoons of).  There was Mom's famous stuffing (which I also had a spoonful of)!  There were our traditional fruit salad and green salad (which I had a miniature taste of each).  Jake made homemade ice cream which I also tasted... as I write this, I feel like it sounds like I was really bad... but I didn't go over my calorie limit or my carb limit and I was still in ketosis Fri morning, so it really wasn't as horrible as it sounds... not to mention the ridiculous amounts of calories I worked off that morning running around that hospital in high heel boots... DUMB!   ...oh and I'm sure hide and seek with Darren burned some too...
So... anyway... it was lots of fun!  We took Grammy and Charlie back to the train station... then Cedric and I headed over to his parents so he could get all his traditional goodness!  We watched the Dallas Cowboys play the Saints and then Mom and Dad came over for the first time.  It was great fun!
Friday was my birthday and we had a nice laid back day... Mom and Ashley and I walked to the grocery store to buy groceries for my birthday dinner... I chose home cooked fajitas, rather than going out because then I could have my Carb Smart tortilla and sub Greek Yogurt for Sour Cream!  We got to video chat with the Kitterlin's again which was the next best thing to having them there...
Cedric's parents and my parents and Ashley and Jake were all there for dinner and then we went bowling and had a blast... I can't bowl to save my life... apparently... but it was still great fun!  We played boys against girls and I am pretty sure that in the end... we tied... I feel like it's probably safe to say that, since I don't think any of the boys read this :-)
Anyway.. it was healthy food... active fun... lots of laughing, which is the best exercises their is... and I feel so incredibly blessed!  I am thankful for the love in my life and that I am feeling well enough to enjoy it more fully than in the best... Last year I had a pretty serious meltdown over Happy Hour Margaritas because I was so disappointed with my life and where I felt stuck... but this year I feel like life is coming together... graduation is in less than a month... ordination is in a little over 3 months.  Last night I had my first and only dream that Cedric proposed and I woke up unsure of whether it was real or a dream... which to me is a testament that we are closer to that jump than we've ever been before, because I know inside and out that it's a goal we're both aiming for...
and most of all... I feel healthier... I have more energy... I feel happier...
the past two mornings I have woken up and watched this week's Biggest Loser episodes while mom and dad got ready... which I usually do Tues evenings after my weekly weigh-in and realized how serious I really am about this revolutionary transformation of my life... I'm cleaning up and purging... a few weeks ago it was the living room... bit by bit it's the clothes in my closet that are too big... Sat morning it was the kitchen... Sunday it was rearranging furniture and cleaning out the guest room... which was dusted with kitty litter dust... but ultimately it's my insides... and it feels damn good!
I figured out what I want for Christmas... A balance ball... a weighted ball to use for my core training... and one of those ball weights with a handle on it that you do squats with... see I'm super technical - I gotta a long ways to go... anyway, those are all things I use at the gym for my strength training and toning that I could use at home while I'm watching tv, instead of moving my elliptical back in the living room.
Now that I feel like I have a handle on the eating routine... it's time to get a little more serious about the exercise routine... and with this dumb class over (in 2 1/2 weeks) my schedule will be so much more conducive!
So Saturday we talked to Alicia and Jack again on iChat... cleaned the heck out of my kitchen and rearranged some things... Mom and I went to Ced's car wash and had our cars washed... we went to Hobby Lobby with Ashley... helped (a little) Dad and Jake with Ashley's chicken coop... hung out with Cai Cai... and then we watched the OU vs OSU game... which is a BIG DEAL!  Sun was cleaning day... and I broke my pinky toe... but my house is CLEAN!
Hope you've all had a blessed week too!
Oh yeah... and to top it off... I lost 2.5 lbs this week... Thanksgiving and Birthday week... the week most people gain 2.5 lbs!  I feel super good!  And thanks to my brother and sister-in-law... I have a fancy new haircut so my hair is as healthy as my body is getting!

One Day at a Time

The past week has been a difficult week... it would take way too long to explain the extent of the stressors I've had this week... so for your sake and my sanity, I won't rehash it... but needless to say it was tough... It got so bad last Thursday that I broke my diet... I ate some popcorn and some Reese's Pieces at the movie theatre... it's not like I ate a ton of either... but I ate some... and I was so miserable... I was so disgusted with myself... not only afterwards, but while I was eating it... but I ate it anyway thinking it would make me feel better... IT DIDN'T... I literally hated myself and eventually it made me quit... but
I was still convinced that I had ruined my whole week and it just stressed me out even more... on top of the ridiculousness that is my job!
But instead of throwing my hands up in the air and giving up for the week, I pulled it together and got back to my proteins for the rest of the week.  I even went to a Birthday dinner Saturday night and instead of eating at the restaurant, where I wasn't sure I could maintain my self-control, and where it's harder to calculate calories, I just enjoyed myself and ate dinner when I got home, where I could measure out my food and knew what I was putting into my body.
And... it paid off... I lost another 6 lbs of fat this week... my water went up of course, so my net loss for the week was 3.4, but I lost 6 lbs of fat...
My counselors at Medi reminded me that one day is just one day, and the point is just that... days that I don't eat right are the minimal exception... not the habit... I take it one day at a time... just like the families I work with every day...
They weren't the only ones to tell me that of course.... Christi and Cai Cai tried to tell me that Thursday night when I was considering gagging myself to throw it all up... but I couldn't hear it that night!  It's like I can't accept any weakness at all, because it may lead to more and more giving into temptation...
I didn't make myself throw up by the way... as much as I considered it!
Anyway... we're two days away from Thanksgiving... the biggest food holiday of the year... and I am thankful for my family who values healthy eating too and who supports each others food weirdness...
My sister-in-law is virtually vegan (except fish), her mom is gluten intolerant. I am on a low cal, practically carb free diet and Splenda's my new best friend... but Splenda gives my dad migraines... so we work together and are sensitive to each other's diets and all contribute.  I'm making almond cookies from almonds, egg whites, vanilla extract and Stevia which everyone will be able to eat!  I'm making Mashed Cauliflour (instead of potatoes).  Jake and Ashley are making the Turkey.  Mom's making some of our traditional holiday favorites!  I'm looking forward to it and am thankful that I don't have to feel pressured or worried to "go-off" my diet for the day.
After the past 32 hours, I am thankful for a whole lot... words can't express how much I'm thankful for today... guilty... but grateful!

Fill My Cup...

So, I went to church this morning and the experience was...
interesting...
the scripture was Luke 23:33-43, where Jesus has been nailed to the cross with the two thieves and he prays to God...
"God, forgive them, for they know not what they do."
And as the thieves banter back and forth, one of them pleads to Jesus
"Jesus, remember me, when you come into our kin-dom"
and Jesus says,
"Today you will be with me in paradise."
A scripture that I love and has so much meaning and can really go anywhere, so I was interested with where the preacher would go with it...
and he walks away from the pulpit and pulls out a box for a visual demonstration...
the visual demonstration he did was very powerful, but I had a hard time following what it had to do with the scripture...
and as he continued...
I had a hard time following what the rest of the sermon had to do with the scripture or the visual...
But it did spark something for me and I took off in a totally different direction...
and this is where I went with it...

So, imagine with me, if you will, a jar...
it can be any jar, as long as it's empty...
and now imagine that this jar is a vessel of a a life...

Now imagine with me a pitcher of water...
and that the water represents the needs, values, priorities of others.

Now, I want to tell you a story....

There once a woman who was committed to caring for the needs of others.
She had been taught that it was good to think of others and not to be selfish...
and it was extremely important that she please others so that they would know she was good and kind and loving and compassionate...
and so she filled her jar full of water until it was running over...

 

And all was well...

until it wasn't...

Things at home began to get a little hectic and her family needed her...

she tried to focus her attention on her family without letting go of anything else and realized that as she tried, the water began to spill out and made a huge mess, and she spent more time cleaning up the mess than actually caring for anyone... 

She realized this was not working and that if she was going to make room for the needs of her loved ones, she was going to have to empty her jar and start all over...

So now, imagine with me, that the needs of her loved ones are represented by sand... 

and so she filled up her jar full of sand... 

and began to nurture the needs of her loved ones... 

and as things began to get better with her loved ones, she still longed to reach out to others, and wondered... 

"Can I still serve others, even though it seems as though my jar is full?"

and so she reached out to see if things would fall apart... 

and she began to add a little water at a time to her sand filled jar... 

and to her amazement... she found that she still had room to love others... 

and so, all was well...

until it wasn't...

She began to feel heavy... and began to realize that everyone around her seemed to have their needs met and to be happier than she felt, and she felt like something was missing... 

even though she was able to take care of her loved ones, and others, she still didn't feel fulfilled...

She realized that while she was busy taking care of everyone else's needs, she had neglected her own... She had always thought that if everyone cared for the needs for other's than everyone's needs would be met...

The problem with that was, that not everyone operates that way... 

and that even those who do, can't care for your needs, if you don't communicate them... 

and you can't communicate them, if you don't take them time to figure out what they are.... 

So as she began to solidify what her needs were she realized they were solid and concrete needs... 

they were important and demanded space...

like rocks... 

and as she tried to fit them into her jar... 

she realized that the water had filled every crevice of space in between the grains of sand and the two were so compacted that as she tried to fit her needs into her jar that was already full of the needs of others and her loved ones it didn't just make a mess... 

it caused her jar to crack from the pressure as she tried to force them in...

and everything came spilling out...

 

Now, her life was shattered and she couldn't hold anyone's needs... 

and in the brokenness, something happened... 

someone reached out to help her pick up the pieces and put herself back together...
and as she began to transform into this new being, other's joined in...
and she realized that love was what was holding her together...
and when all the pieces were joined together, she realized that she didn't look the same as she did before...

 

but somehow, she found she was more beautiful than before... 

and that the cracks added character and that the love showed through with even more brilliance... 

and somehow she was even more open than before... 

and she realized... 

that she didn't have to do everything on her own... 

and that she could no longer neglect her own needs... 

but she didn't want to become selfish... 

After all that she'd been through, she knew she had to do things differently...

that she had to honor the new life she had been given and the love she was being offered...

and she found that if she put her rocks in first, she would still have room...

and if she put her sand in next... 

she would still have room for water...

Because it's true... 

The needs of the world are as deep and wide as the waters of the ocean...

and the needs of the ones we love span as great as the sands of the beaches and deserts of the earth...

and our own needs can at times feel like mountains...

and somehow, God's love holds it all together in perfect balance...

But we aren't God...

We can only hold so much at a time... 

and if we try to take on the needs of the world alone, their waves will smash over our own needs and suck us under...

 So, we must accept our limits...

know our own needs...

and embrace the love of those around us when we need a little reinforcement...

This is what this journey of losing weight has been like for me...

I neglected my core needs and realized I had cracked under the pressure and all of my insides were spilling out around me... 

and I wasn't effective at holding the needs and pain of others I was ministering to... 

and I am realizing that the more I take care of myself, the more I have to offer the ones I love... 

and if I offer myself to them first... 

I still have room to hold the needs and pains of the ones I minster to in the hospital...

and those needs... 
as water... 

evaporate as they move on... 
creating more room for those who come behind.

So as the song my mama taught me, as a little girl, goes

Fill my cup

let it overflow

fill my cup 

let it overflow

fill my cup

let it overflow

let it overflow with love...

and then and only then, can I hold it all together!

So, I am still not sure if the preacher pulled it all together in the end...
but I did!

Wardrobe Conundrum

So... I am in quite a wardrobe conundrum... the best kind of conundrum... but a conundrum none the less... I only have 2 pairs of dress pants and one pair of jeans that aren't too big... and I had to drag those out of the depths of my closet...
I'm not going to lie... It's great to fit into pants two sizes smaller...
I found the jeans today... and I did a little dance when they slid on like a glove.  I also found another pair of pants and a cute skirt, both 2 sizes smaller than what I'm on now... so I look forward to getting into those soon too!
I don't want to go shopping because I don't want to stay in the same size long enough to warrant the money spent... so... I'll keep digging and trying to find old clothes to get me through!

Yay!

What What!

Ok, so I decided to bite the bullet and go in today for my weigh-in... and... I lost another 3 lbs... for a total of 19.8... ALMOST 20!
When I got to work and walked on to my favorite floor, one of them came up behind me and said "What's up skinny?" and so I got to share how much I've lost with them.  They were very encouraging and it made me feel great!  (No wonder they're my favorite floor, huh!)
:-)
Anyway, Today's blog is going to be nice and boring because I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote for school and work this weekend and I am pretty much done with writing or thinking very deeply... but I had to post how much I've lost because that's what I do!

Here's a pic from Cedric's and my date night Friday night, for the fun of it!