Momming is HARD

Today was one of those hard Mom days... Our hard is different on different days... And my hard is different from your hard, but it's hard work nonetheless... Today was a hard "working mom" day. I scurried around the house getting two girls and myself ready, starting with my early morning pump session to keep up my supply and trying to get us out the door on time with lunches and bottles and extra diapers and clothes for the little, my three giant water cups and pink drinks for the day, pink drinks and vitamins set out for my husband... And big sister wanted me to hold her while she ate breakfast, and her hair was a mess, and little sister was sleeping until it was time to go, so I grabbed her to change her diaper before we ran out the door... And she woke up happy and giggling and wanting to play...and my mama heart broke. Because I wanted to stay and play and enjoy those giggles... I wanted to get to make her giggle and just be... Just be with her... But we were already late and I had to scoop her up and put her in her car seat and off we went. 

So we got to school and dropped off big sister and of course she was happy to be with her friends. I took little sister to her room, got her bottles in the fridge and sat down to nurse her before I left (like I always do). When she was done, she needed a diaper change. I wanted to change her diaper, but I'd spent too much time talking to another mommy in between dropping the two girls off, and now another mommy was using the changing table, and I was soooo late for work... I had to hand her off to her teacher and kiss her goodbye and it just broke me. What kind of Mom am I that I don't have enough time to giggle with my  baby first thing in the morning? What kind of Mom am I that I don't have enough time to change her diaper so I can enjoy one last moment of giggles? (She loves having her diaper changed.)

What kind of mom am I that my baby spends more time with strangers than she does with her family? It was especially painful after arriving to pick her up yesterday to find her crying huge crocodile tears on the floor by herself, while one of her teachers was just watching the older babies play across the room. What kind of Mom am I that I can't find a way to be with her instead of leaving her all day with people who can't love her like I can?

So I spent the day on the verge of tears all day, and they came a few times for sure. 

It's hard being a mommy. It's hard knowing what the right thing is and figuring out how to make the next best thing work when the best thing isn't an option. It's hard to be away from your baby more than you're with her, and trust that she is in good hands. 

I'm working hard every day to make a better life for our family... To make it so that I can be home with them and give them my attention... The attention they deserve. But until then, it's hard!

So when I get home, this is the only thing I know to do...

  Hold her and pray!