Baby Steps

Today I was feeling good about myself as I made rounds through the hospital and multiple people commented that they didn't recognize me... It made me smile... not only because I like that the change is beginning to be noticeable, but also because I know that means people are going to get a chance to know the me that I know... the me that has been hidden behind the excess baggage that I have been carrying around for so long.  The me that laughs a lot more and gets silly a lot more... that lets down my guard instead of trying to bury my head in the sand... that isn't afraid to bloom in the sunlight.
I got silly today and took some pictures of myself to see if I could really tell... to try to see myself the way other people see me... I could tell and it made me giggle!
Watch out! This me... the one under the hide... is not the awkward girl in the corner... I'm still an introvert but I'm not scared anymore.  I hope the people who have only known the old me will give the new me a chance... but I know it will take some bravery and initiative on my part. 

Catch Up!

It's been a long time since I've written.  I guess I have been a little busy.  Since I last wrote, a lot has happened that I won't even try to catch up on... so I will just skip the previous week and go straight for this week...
Thursday afternoon, during my noon-time workout, after getting off my 28 hr shift at the hospital, I lost my step on the treadmill, sprained my ankle, and went soaring off the back of the treadmill.  It was very attractive I can assure you... but it definitely complicated my plans for finishing moving furniture around the house and cleaning... of course I did finish... because we all know how hard-headed I am... but it hurt like crazy!  I did, however, save the curtain-hanging for my helpful brother and sister-in-law, because I decided that I would really like to be able to walk on stage for my hooding Saturday.
Friday, Alicia and Jack and Grammy and Mom and Dad all came to town.  I picked up Grammy from the train station Friday at noon and we went to lunch, checked her in to her Bed and Breakfast and then went shopping for some smaller clothes... I wanted something nice (that fits) for graduation.  I got a cute new sweater/dress, a purple lacy "dress", a jean jacket, a perfect little black dress, and a few colorful camis!  It was very exciting.  Then I took her back to the B&B for a nap and I went home to finish getting things picked up and get some things ready for Saturday's party.  Jacob and Ashley came over and hung the last of the curtains before anyone saw my newly "refurbished" home!  Mom and Dad picked Grammy up and came over to the house.  Jack and Alicia arrived later in the evening.  It was so great to have so many of the people I love there in my home!
Saturday, I woke up early with Alicia and Jack and we got to play... and then I celebrated my graduation from seminary... finally... with my family and friends and mentors and one wise supervisor present at the hooding.  It was a refreshing feeling to be there, to know that it was the culmination of six and half years of sleepless paper-writing nights, and tearful breakdowns in the basement bathroom at Brite upon hearing another "no" to scheduling debacles of perpetual ridiculosity (like my made up word?)!  No more day trips to Tulsa. No more frustrating battles with curriculum criteria.

The weekend was full of family excitement and joyful laughter and tears.  We had a small get-together at my house where I whipped up some of my killer chili and some fat-free-tastic dips with veggies and crackers.  Jack was the hit of the party and the ice cream on the cake... the best kind... calorie free!

It was wonderful and perfect and only could have been better if everyone that wanted to be there could have been there... but it isn't the last celebration... and I look forward to the next big celebration.  I guess it's time to start planning for that one!  Ordination!
Sunday, everyone went home... and life went back to normal... and Monday came around and it was time to go back to work... Tues I woke up in the sleep room and didn't feel quite right as I got ready to run home and let Lillie out before pre-op rounds and before I could get all the way down the parking garage I was puking... I made it home and continued with the sickness and had to call Candace, balled up on my couch, and tell her I wasn't going to make it back.  Needless to say, Tuesday was not fun.  After sleeping a bit, I got up around noon and thought I would make it through my weigh-in... I lost another 3 lbs this week... and then by the time I got home, I'm pretty sure I lost another couple.
Wednesday I slept it off in the morning and then by evening I was feeling ok again... and now I'm back to my normal clumsy, limping self.
So... after two more weeks... the current total weight loss is 35.2!
Not bad for 11 weeks, I guess.  Let's see how I do this week... I'm already out of ketosis because all my body would tolerate Tuesday and Wednesday was Gatorade and saltines (thanks to Jake and Ashley)... so I have been working to get back into ketosis today.  Cedric's mom was so good to me tonight and baked me fish that was delicious and let me steal some sauteed shrimp before she added the rest to the Shrimp Alfredo!  Hopefully if I stick to protein only tomorrow too, I can get back into ketosis so I can enjoy some vegetables  and fruit on Christmas...
Peace Out for now... and if I don't get to write before Saturday... Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight!

Determination!

SO... I weighed in today, thinking that today was the day I'd hit my 30 lb loss... and I was 0.6 lbs short... Here I'd lost 3.7 lbs, which is really pretty good for one week, (especially since we celebrated my birthday Friday night and I did allow myself to enjoy a margarita... and a birthday shot of Patron... and Cai Cai's shot of Patron... sending my body not only into a tipsy spell but also somewhat of carb shock that kept me out of ketosis for two days)... but as I stood on the scale, and saw the numbers... instead of being happy with a 3.7 loss, I was disappointed because I was so close to that target, but not close enough!
As I was sitting in the parking lot at the pharmacy, after my appointment, I was looking through my calendar and realized that I had actually set next week as the target date for losing 30 lbs.... so I was sort of ahead of the game... and in true Megan fashion... instead of offering myself a little grace... I raised the bar and decided that I would set another goal for next week...
Ironic enough, my weight loss counselor and I engaged in a 30 min conversation (pastoral care conversation) where I extended to her an invitation to accept some grace and forgiveness for herself and set boundaries... It was a pretty powerful conversation, actually... that started out as girl talk, took a turn when she asked me, out of curiosity, "Do you go to church?" and I responded with "yeah... actually I'm a minister"... and got rather deep, theologically and spiritually, rather quick.  It was actually refreshing to have such a receptive response to my announcement of my profession.... a lot of times I get that deer in the headlights look, followed by an awkward silence, that can mean anything from "Oh shit, what have I said in front of her?" to "Ok, so is she gonna preach at me?"  Instead she lit up and smiled and I could see a sense of relief that she could be authentic with me instead of talking in some PC code because she was at work and I am a "customer."  She is a beautiful woman with a beautiful spirit and a beautiful heart and I was blessed to have been let inside.
Anyway... I think there is a healthy balance between grace and forgiveness and self-respecting determination and strong will.  I guess that's where boundaries come in!  ...and so it comes full circle...
Soooooo... Watch out!  I'm on a serious mission this week! I am determined to lose at least 5.6 lbs in the next 10 days... which means that I will have lost 35 lbs (in 10 weeks) before graduation!

Honestly, I'm just feeling so incredibly blessed lately... graduation... ordination... weight loss... all monumental milestones/goals/battles won that have required a great deal of determination.
I love my job and have gotten a great deal of external affirmation that I do it well, lately...
Cedric and I doing better than we ever have... from where I stand... in that, we are communicating... and even when we have a scuffle... we stay engaged... I think we've learned how to lean in to each other... and it feels good!
I think my reflection on all of this today is the common theme of determination... there have been valleys and mountaintops in each of these ventures... and while two of these ventures are coming to an end on a mountaintop, I know that they are only paths to other ventures that will come with their own valleys... and while this particular leg of the weight loss race has been smooth sailing... this isn't the first time I have lost weight or tried to lose weight... and it's not always going to fall off like taking off layers of clothes.... and when its all gone... that won't be the end either, because the new battle will be staying committed to being healthy!  And while Cedric and I are enjoying the view from another honeymoon stay, we havea  lifetime of trials and tribulations to conquer together and it we won't always feel as seamlessly connected as we do right now...
Determination... I am so thankful our parents taught us what it means... because all three of us (my siblings and I... and our significant others too) have been blessed because of it!  We watched our parents model what it means to meet God in the middle... We are certainly blessed to swim in an ocean of lemonade... and we're all determined to make more of it because God has an endless supply of straws!

Speaking of determination... I think I need to work on the balance between determination and hard-headed foolishness as Lillie (in her cute little pink sweater) and I sit, curled up in a ball, toes freezing, wrapped in a blanket on the couch because my house is 60 degrees and I refuse to turn on the heater because I'm not ready to start paying those ridiculous winter electric bills!

 On another note... I am so excited... THE SING OFF is back and I am watching last night's episode! YAY! If you haven't seen this show... you SHOULD! It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside!

And last but not least... tomorrow will be my LAST middle of the week, one day trip to Tulsa for my LAST class of Seminary! Get it!

Week 9
Total weight loss... 29.4 lbs

Hallelujah!

SO... I have officially turned in my last assignment for my last class.... and 17 days from now...
I WILL GRADUATE!
Yes... I am done... I have ordered my transcript... I have spoken to my professor about what else she needs from me... and she said over and over and over again... "You're done.  BREATHE!  YOU ARE DONE!"
I'M DONE!
IT'S OVER!
and I am going to be 35 lbs lighter at my graduation than I was when I started... and by the time Ordination gets here I will have lost 65 lbs... Those are my goals... I have 2 1/2 weeks to lose 9.5 lbs which I know I can do!
And then I have 13 weeks to lose the next 30 lbs...  I will be a new me... I'm already a new me...

I can't believe this is over... it's such a huge weight off my shoulders... maybe having it gone will help with the physical weight!
I can't wait until Dec 18, when I go to my hooding ceremony and know that it's all real...
Then I will take a little break for the holidays... from stressing not from dieting... and start planning Ordination first thing in January... I don't even know where to begin... but I am pretty sure that the opening hymn is going to be the Hallelujah chorus....
Ordination may be the most sacred and holy time of my whole life... but, there is room for joyful and playful rejoicing... if I have learned anything at the hospital, it's that there is always room for joyful, playful rejoicing!
So, I'll shout it form the mountaintop, the tabletop, the mall, the airport...
Hallelujah... I'm DONE!