So... for the sake of stating the obvious... It has been a long time since I've posted... Alot has happened since I last wrote and my body feels it. Several months ago... I had an interview in Cleveland, Ohio with a highly regarded hospital for a position as a full-time chaplain. Needless to say, that interview process left much to be desired... not including the fact that I was not offered the position, because after that process, I was certain it was not a good fit for me...
That experience, however, set into motion a downward spiral of emotional, physical and mental destructiveness as I allowed the feedback of one individual to steal my own authority, self-definition and ultimately my power. One of my biggest regrets that resulted from that interview, and there are many, is that I discontinued my blog... believing that somehow it was crippling me on the job front. Looking back, I realize that the feedback I recieved from that individual revealed more about her than it did about me, but the way I reacted to it (instead of responding) revealed some significant areas of opportunity in my growth, and was worth processing and reflecting on.
The past several months have encompassed a great deal of heart-ache, stress, despair, hope, transition, healing, future planning, relationship cut-offs and re-building... however painful it may feel, and ultimately... self-definition. I have been reflecting on, and processing who I am, what I want and what I need.... re-defining what it means to be me... and be me most fully.
This is a difficult and painful process... not only for me, but also for those in relationship with me as I begin to re-claim what i need in those relationships in ways that feel like me pushing away, distancing or even cutting-off... but ultimately I believe that it is a life-giving process for me, for those I am in relationship with and for the relationships themselves... I have experienced newness and blossoming in my relationships as they take shape in new ways...
So of course... all of that is well and good... but the most important relationship for any of us, is the one we have with ourself, because this relationship is the one that determines the health and vitality of all other relationships we maintain. And so the time has come for me to recommit myself to me... to revive my relationship with myself... to listen to my inner being and start tending to my own needs with a more intentional and disciplined focus...
When I listen to myself, I hear my body telling me, it's time to pay attention to it... I have gained some weight back... enough that I feel uncomfortable in my own skin again... and I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to allow myself to gain the weight back after I lost it...
So... I renewed my subscription to Weight Watchers Online today and I started tracking again... I already have a membership to 24 Hr fitness, so there's no excuse not to be active...
I start my new job next week and the office (not that I will ever really be in the office) is literally across the street from one of the gyms I go to... so... It's on!
And in the spirit of that recommital... I recommit myself to my blog as well... this blog has been one of the keys to my success, not only because it holds me accountable, but because it is a way for me to share myself and my story with others who are going through the same struggles... not neccessarily only weight struggles, but the battles with our inner selves that cause us to live in less than life-giving ways. When sharing my story results in other people sharing their stories with me as well, I feel that sense of community and trust that builds mutality and support. That is why I blog... it is a positive, life-giving form of self-care... one of multiple forms of self-care that I practice... but one that I have found to meet my needs... and I will not make apologies for it.
Today I'm thankful for my the worship service at my church... today's service exemplified the reasons why I chose to make FW1st my home.
