Healthy Body, Mind and Soul

So I haven't been as faithful a blogger this time around as I was last... not because I haven't been successful or because I am less committed, but because I am so rarely sitting in front of a computer where I can... and my personal computer is now out of commission, at least temporarily.
So... to catch you up on this journey... I weighed in for my week four appointment today and I have lost a total of 16.5 lbs and lost 3 inches in my waist so far... which is good and exciting.  In addition to doing Medi, I have also been on another journey... I started a 60 day challenge with Bikram Yoga, which has been really perfect for me. I have to do 60 classes in 60 days, and who wants to exercise in a 105 degree room for 90 min at a time more than once in a day... which makes me even more motivated to go every day. I can feel a change in my body... and in my spirit... My practice (overall) has improved (even though, of course, I still have bad days)... so today will be 18 days in a row... and I really LOVE it. My biggest challenge is staying hydrated though... because you sweat like nobody's business and I can't drink the coconut water or normal sports drinks because of the carbs (because of Medi) so, it has been a challenge... one that has resulted in 2 migraines during the 18 days... But the reality is, I need to stay hydrated anyway... so I just have to keep working at it.
Anyway... in addition to Medi, and Yoga, I have also been doing Spiritual Direction which was exactly what I needed to jumpstart my whole balancing act... helping me to balance my emotional and spiritual life and practice spiritual discipline. During my first session... before I started back to Medi or Bikram... she invited me to remember what it felt like to be the authentic Megan i have known in the past... and I remembered that there were times when I was Brave, Bold, Balanced, and Healthy and so that became my mantra... and my drive to be those things again...
Life long practices to keep balanced and healthy...

8.9

So today was my week 1 weigh-in and I lost 8.9.
I'll admit, it was a bad week to start because, months ago, we made reservations for restaurant week at Del Frisco's with Sarah and Adrian... And I've never been to Del Frisco's so we weren't about to cancel and you can't not have the full experience. I didn't overdo it, but I didn't eat only protein either, so I fell out of ketosis. And Saturday I walked 3+ miles with Dory and didn't increase my caloric intake so (apparently) my body went into starvation mode... And they saw that in my numbers before i even told her about the walk... but 8.9 is good. And I'll do week 1 again this week and get off to a better start. I feel good about my week and the 8.9 lb loss! This week will be even better!

Medi: Part II

So I went back to Medi yesterday and I'm starting all over again... since I know that it works, as long as I follow the program... it seemed like the best way to tackle this demon.
It's expenisve and I am not sure how long I will be able to afford it, but I figure if that isn't motivation to make it work, then I am in trouble anyway.
So far, today, I am doing well.  I'm drinking my water. I had a protein shake and a hard boiled egg for breakfast; a protein shake and a mini baby bell for lunch; and I plan on having tilapia for dinner.  I am hungry and have a but of a headache but I knew that would be the case... and at least for the first week, it will only get worse.  Then next week, it will start to get better until I start to feel good.
Last Friday I went to my first Spiritual Direction session, and I am excited about beginning a new journey to wholeness, which means spiritual, emotional and pysical health. My jounrey is to rediscover the authentic Megan... who is Brave, Bold, Healthy, Joyful and Trusting.  There are so many goals that I want in life and I need to be Brave, Bold, Healthy, Joyful and Trusting in order to reach them.
So I am looking forward to this new journey and will need a lot of accountability!

Self-disgust

I watched Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition and Jacqui was crying b she had to look at herself and it made me face it... It was time to get on the scale.
So I got on the scale today and immediately felt nauseous. I'm recommitted. My body has been telling me that I need to pay attention. I have cankles for the first time in my life and they hurt so bad when I walk. I'm never hungry and food doesn't even taste good anymore but I keep eating. I'm so done. It starts right now!

Successes, Opportunties for Growth and Thanksgivings

Today was an overall successful day. I finished the day with 6 Pts+ points left. I resisted a second chicken enchilada at lunch (which were really good), I resisted pizza and candy and pumpkin pie at the office, I enjoyed sushi/sashimi with a friend for a healthy dinner, and I feel good.
Like any day... there were Opportunities for growth... like the fact that I didn't make it to the gym... I could give you an excuse, but the reality is that I was resistant and just didn't want to go...
But, today I am thankful for grace... because in between the successes and the opportunities for growth is a new-found grace that has taught me that I haven't failed.

Self-Definition

So... for the sake of stating the obvious... It has been a long time since I've posted... Alot has happened since I last wrote and my body feels it.  Several months ago... I had an interview in Cleveland, Ohio with a highly regarded hospital for a position as a full-time chaplain.  Needless to say, that interview process left much to be desired... not including the fact that I was not offered the position, because after that process, I was certain it was not a good fit for me...
That experience, however, set into motion a downward spiral of emotional, physical and mental destructiveness as I allowed the feedback of one individual to steal my own authority, self-definition and ultimately my power.  One of my biggest regrets that resulted from that interview, and there are many, is that I discontinued my blog... believing that somehow it was crippling me on the job front. Looking back, I realize that the feedback I recieved from that individual revealed more about her than it did about me, but the way I reacted to it (instead of responding) revealed some significant areas of opportunity in my growth, and was worth processing and reflecting on. 
The past several months have encompassed a great deal of heart-ache, stress, despair, hope, transition, healing, future planning, relationship cut-offs and re-building... however painful it may feel, and ultimately... self-definition.  I have been reflecting on, and processing who I am, what I want and what I need.... re-defining what it means to be me... and be me most fully. 
This is a difficult and painful process... not only for me, but also for those in relationship with me as I begin to re-claim what i need in those relationships in ways that feel like me pushing away, distancing or even cutting-off... but ultimately I believe that it is a life-giving process for me, for those I am in relationship with and for the relationships themselves... I have experienced newness and blossoming in my relationships as they take shape in new ways...
So of course... all of that is well and good... but the most important relationship for any of us, is the one we have with ourself, because this relationship is the one that determines the health and vitality of all other relationships we maintain.  And so the time has come for me to recommit myself to me... to revive my relationship with myself... to listen to my inner being and start tending to my own needs with a more intentional and disciplined focus...
When I listen to myself, I hear my body telling me, it's time to pay attention to it... I have gained some weight back... enough that I feel uncomfortable in my own skin again... and I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to allow myself to gain the weight back after I lost it...
So... I renewed my subscription to Weight Watchers Online today and I started tracking again... I already have a membership to 24 Hr fitness, so there's no excuse not to be active...
I start my new job next week and the office (not that I will ever really be in the office) is literally across the street from one of the gyms I go to... so... It's on!
And in the spirit of that recommital... I recommit myself to my blog as well... this blog has been one of the keys to my success, not only because it holds me accountable, but because it is a way for me to share myself and my story with others who are going through the same struggles... not neccessarily only weight struggles, but the battles with our inner selves that cause us to live in less than life-giving ways.  When sharing my story results in other people sharing their stories with me as well, I feel that sense of community and trust that builds mutality and support.  That is why I blog... it is a positive, life-giving form of self-care... one of multiple forms of self-care that I practice... but one that I have found to meet my needs... and I will not make apologies for it.

Real Talk

So... today I realized that my old theological framework is getting in the way of my weight loss... and since I don't have room for that theological framework in my ministry anymore, it doesn't make sense to function out of it in my personal life... so here's some real talk...
Old framework... grace & compassion = niceness... forgiveness... warm fuzzies
New framework... sometimes grace and compassion is messy and raw... for example, you don't coddle and continue to bail out an addict over and over and over again who is self destructing... you confront them about their addiction and acknowledge the destruction around them and refuse to participate in it anymore...
And... since food is my addiction... it's time I have an intervention... for the past several months I have been lurking in this 10 pound rut and every time I get close to this holy threshold of Onederland, I start back into this binge eating frenzy (justifying it with excuses that its healthy food or that I can start over again tomorrow...)  I keep telling myself it's ok, because that's what "we" tell each other... this proverbial "we" of food junkies... but all that does is keep us stuck where we are...
This brand of grace and compassion doesn't work when it comes to destructive behavior... that's why I'm still right where I was three months ago... because I keep telling myself its ok to have this or that... or "it's just a little bit"... and "I'm really stressed this week"... etc etc etc... IT'S NOT WORKING!
And this weight loss thing isn't about looking good in a swimsuit for me... if it were, maybe that dismissive "grace" would be fine... but weight loss for me... for someone my size is about life and about life lived more fully....
I saw a friend of mine today that I haven't seen in probably a year and she was literally in tears when she saw me... and it wasn't because she wants my body... it's because she loves me and she was celebrating my life being lived more fully!  It was convicting... along side the "Muscle Blast" class she drug me to that totally delivered on it's name, leaving my muscles feeling like jello.  So thank you Sarah Pharr for lovingly participating in my intervention today.
I value the relationships that hold me accountable to my weight loss journey... that call me out when I am tumbling off the wagon head first... and remind me that I am worth it to love myself better than I do... those who will eat healthy with me an work out with me and get excited about healthy choices.
SO... The intervention is in full force...
It's time to get in my own face and stay there.... put down the after dinner Weight Watcher's snacks and the fruit and all the other healthy snacks that defeat their purpose in large quantities.... pop a piece of sugar free gum... and walk away from the kitchen.

Because being morbidly obese is not an acceptable fashion statement... it's not a funny joke to laugh about with one another or a bonding point to perpetuate one another's unhealthy lifestyles by being cohorts in feeding each other's addictions... it's a personal statement of self-worth and self-respect.. and I am tired of communicating that I don't care about myself without having to say a word...

When it comes to weight loss, grace is only effective when it's the exception, not the rule!

Headed back to the gym tomorrow and I'm pumped!

R&R

Well, it's the last day of my vacation and it has truly been refreshing.  I have spent my days hanging out with Reece and my evenings giggling and laughing with Jen.  Baby's and laughter are certainly therapeutic.  I've also been staying active.  Saturday, Sunday and Monday I took at least 30 minute walks... then Tuesday I decided to earn my WW 5k charm... so I walked 3.1 miles...  Wednesday I walked 3.3 mi...  Thursday I walked 3.5 mi... and today I walked 4.25 mi.
It's been fun pushing myself each day.  I am looking forward to getting on my bike again when I get back home... and back in the gym.  If I can keep this up I will have no problems reaching my goal before my interview and I believe that breaking into Onederland will be breaking through this wall that has me stuck.  I know that the weight will not come off as fast as it did in the beginning, but I believe that I will be able to get out of this 10 lb yo-yo and start losing consistently again.
I am so grateful for the opportunity to take a vacation!  It came at just the right time!  YAY for PTO... I haven't even checked my work email!  :)

Feel Good Friday

Wow! I seriously am the worst blogger of the century... I keep telling myself that I will do better and then realize that I am just getting worse!  I know that part of my absence in the blogging world has been a manifestation of my absence from the world in general lately... the past several weeks I have been battling a great deal of anxiety... as I alluded to in my last blog, but didn't really explore in great deal with you... but I am going through a challenging time right now... since I have been ordained I guess I have been aiming for the next mark... you know once you reach the bar, you set the bar higher and reach that bar... and it's always been something... from graduating high school, to graduating college, to graduating seminary, to ordination... now it's getting a full-time job as a staff chaplain and working towards Board Certification... and those are just my own personal goals... there are also the goals that Cedric and I are working on together for us and for our future family... Over the past several weeks it has been more real how scarce the job market is for chaplain positions... not only in the DFW area, but really all over the states... I know people that have been searching for a year and still been unable to find something and that is scary... Since I entered the work force, I have never been without a job, and even more than that... I've never been without a job that offers full benefits.  To think that I may be slinging coffee again just to get benefits after 11 years of school, a B.A. and a Masters really blows my mind.  (Not that there is anything wrong with working for Starbucks... because I did love it and I am sure I would enjoy it again for a while... but that is not what I invested my time and money in an education to do eleven years later...) So... without completing unloading the entirety of my anxieties on you, I think it's pretty clear where my anxiety comes from... and one of my responses to that has been to retreat into myself.  To spend more time alone doing mindless things and throw myself into my work when I'm at work.  My peers at work have been an excellent support group as well as seeking some outside help... and I do think that I am functioning at a more normal level... but I know that the train coming at me cannot be stopped, and I don't know yet what that train is carrying.   
Despite my anxieties and stresses, instead of throwing myself into food (especially with as much time as I spend home alone during these low times), I have been throwing myself into my new Weight Watchers Points Plus plan and learning as much as I can about how to make it work for me, and I am pleased to report that I weighed in again this week at Weight Watchers and I lost another 2.4 pounds... so now I have officially lost a total of 58.2 since the beginning of this journey that began back on the 5th of October at Medi Weight Loss!  That is almost 60 lbs in 6 months... I am really glad that it's starting to come off more easily again... and I am back in that 2-3 lbs a week range.  I really think that the change in food options and incorporating new foods back into my diet has been a tremendous factor in getting back on track.
Some of my new treats that were pretty much off limits before and now some are even considered *power foods

*Banana with Chocolate PB2
*Baked potato
English muffin with PB2
Smart Pop Popcorn in the 100 calorie bags

Triscuits with Laughing Cow cheese wedges
*SALADS loaded with veggies!
Weight Watchers ice cream bars... there's a toffee crunch one and a snickers one that are AWESOME!
Whole Wheat Pasta (in moderation)

It's so nice to not be limited by what I CAN or CAN'T have but what I CHOOSE instead... (Yes Mom, you can totally say "I told you so!")  Like last night I got to have enchiladas at Tres Jose's because I had the points and I chose not to get a margarita so that I didn't eat into my weekly points.
I am still excited about the transition... It doesn't hurt that I fit into a smokin' hot dress last night that I bought for Ordination but didn't feel comfortable wearing yet... and I don't mean to toot my own horn... but I was smokin'!  And it felt good... It felt good to feel good about myself... to play dress up and not feel like I was trying to hide behind glitter and glam but instead be accentuating my natural beauty and not hiding.
It's been a long and winding road with hills and valleys and I know it's never going to end... but at least now I am rolling down the windows... letting my hair down and soaking up the sun... singing at the top of my lungs...
I really think it's helping bring me out of this funk I've been in too!  I hope I can lean into those moments more and not let myself sink into the other moments for quite so long, but still honoring all the emotions that are real and valid and part of my journey.  I think another thing that has been helpful has been good friendships that are supportive and life giving... and spending time with people who are life giving... those that are tried and true and those that are somewhat new! 
Peace Out for now!

Change Is Good

So, it's been a while since I posted... and I know I haven't been very regular about it... it's just another one of those things in my life, sort of like everything else right now, that I feel like I am doing a half-a**ed job at!  And seeing as how stress and anxiety are definitely triggers for me when it comes to eating... I am amazed that I haven't blown up like a balloon... I am happy to report, though, that I have continued to lose... not very rapidly of course but last week I lost another 2 lbs and total I have lost 56.2 pounds as of last Fri... which feels really good. 
I did however make a pretty difficult decision this weekend... A few weeks ago I joined Weight Watchers at Work, but I didn't commit to it... basically I was cheating on Medi with WW meetings and not committing to either plan very well... but Friday sort of sealed the deal for me.  I have been craving foods lately that I cannot have... not just bad food... but good food too... I want to eat more fruits and veggies.  I want to have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast or a piece of toast.  And I am the type of person who likes control, who likes to be independent and self-directing and when I feel like I am being told no... I rebel... so Friday... I went out with some of my minister women friends to my favorite restaurant, Gloria's, and got my favorite dish, the Pollo con Champiniones... and I ate the whole dang thing plus a margarita swirl... I know, disgusting right!  But once upon a time, I would eat that and not think twice about it... but OH MY GOD!  Apparently my stomach has shrunk DRASTICALLY since then, because I have never been in so much pain... I am pretty sure I will never eat that dish again because by the time I got over to my brother's house where my family was, I was ready to either throw up or slice my guts open I was in so much pain. 
Luckily, Mom and Dad were in town this weekend and they do Weight Watchers and have been encouraging me to make the switch from the beginning and I realized that at this point in time, it really is probably the best way for me to keep going, because now I can have those things that I want, and I am learning a lifestyle instead of dieting... I will forever be grateful for Medi and how far I was able to go, and for what I did learn on that program, but I needed a little more freedom in my life right now...
So much of the rest of my world is just so chaotic and limiting... I literally feel stuck and walk around with a huge ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach and my muscles are so stiff... I am grasping for ways that I can get some control.  So, I switched over to Weight Watchers, I spent a bunch of time on the e-tools yesterday planning out some simple meals for the first week and cooking and portioning.  I had popcorn yesterday and it was delicious!  I had a baked potato for lunch today and it's a "power food"... such a switch from it being completely off-limits before.  I am looking forward to cooking new things and enjoying more diverse foods... foods that are healthy that have been off-limits since October.
I really think that this will be a good change... and a change that will give me some grasp on something right now when I feel like I am loosing my footing.  I think that I am seeking changes on such a huge scale right now, that being able to make changes in small ways is bringing me some anxiety relief... from changing my diet plan to painting my fingernails a new color every day, I am trying to live in the present when I am yearning for the future.  I am so grateful for my family, for Cedric and for my friends who are keeping me sane, right now - I don't know what I would do without them. 
I am excited about starting WW because I have a much larger support system who are already doing Weight Watchers, because I do Weight Watchers at work and my friend Kathy has already been very successful with it, Mom and Dad have been very successful with it... and the best part is... it's free... or at least the meetings are.  So... here comes a new chapter in my Weight Loss Journey Book.  I look forward to discovering new recipes and posting those... and telling you about my new adventures on my bicycle that Jake and Ashley got me... I'm not gonna lie... it's pretty cute.  I will post a picture of me on it soon!
Anyway,  maybe all this change will get me re-motivated with my blogging... hopefully so!

If the truth be told...

"If the truth be told..."

It's a phrase you use to start a sentence when you're are trying to get at the elephant in the room, particularly the elephant you can't see... The purpose is to extend and invitation to be honest with one's self and with God... to be vulnerable enough to be authentic, even if it means speaking out loud a though or idea or fear that seems "wrong" or scary.  Being authentic means being vulnerable and being vulnerable means taking a risk... a risk that people will honor the sacredness of what you are offering them and provide a safe space to wrestle with your own demons and sometimes with God.  The thing about it is, how do you know who to trust?  How do you know when and where you will be safe?  Well, if the truth be told, you don't.  You don't ever know for sure that your honesty and authenticity will be honored... that's why it's a risk... that is precisely what makes it such a vulnerable place to be... and why so often, we miss out on opportunities to be in authentic relationship with one another... either because we don't want to risk being authentic with another or because we can't figure out how to be open to another in a way that invites them to be authentic with us... and most of the time, these two go hand in hand.

About a month ago I got an email from an old classmate.  I really enjoyed hearing from her and what she had to share with me, but it got me to thinking about the "me" she knew.  I thought back to that time in my life and the only thing I could remember was how self-absorbed I was back then.  I was really ashamed of myself when I thought of who I was back then, despite the fact that I was only 12 or 13 years old, and I when I responded to her email I mentioned this and asked for her forgiveness if I had ever been mean.  This week I received another email from her and she told me that what she remembered about me was not the "hateful me" but a different me... a version of me that resonates more with the me that I strive to be today.  It was really powerful for me... and brought me to tears actually. It reminded me that sometimes what counts, is who we are when nobody is looking... that doesn't mean that we are excused of oppressive or hateful behaviors that are public... but the reality is that who we are when we think that no one is looking, is probably as authentic as it gets.  It was also a reminder to me that everyone has a choice of how they choose to go through life... we can choose to remember the bad, the pain and the hatefulness or we can choose to remember the good in others and and ourselves and to let that fuel us to continue to work towards peace and liberation. This correspondence with her has also made me wish that my own inability to be authentic and provide a safe space for others to be authentic with me hadn't caused me to miss the opportunity to know her back then... and thankful for the opportunity to begin doing that now. 

At the end of the day, if the truth be told, how do I choose to engage the world this day and how do I plan to engage it tomorrow?

On another note, I lost another 2.2 pounds this week!  It's coming off slow, but at least it's still coming off.  I won't be weighing in this week because I will be in Oklahoma for my Ordination this weekend.  I am still putting the finishing touches on the bulletin but the worship liturgy is done.  I am pretty excited but so incredibly freaked out... I know that as soon as I send it off, it's final... and why that scares me, I don't know... but it does.  It's such a big deal!  I don't even really know how to explain...  It's going to be a big day!
Hope to see lots of you there, but for those of you who won't be there... Have a good week... I have a feeling I won't have much time to blog between now and then!

Where's your Sanctuary?

So I was supposed to weigh-in Friday, but I woke up at 4:45am with a debilitating migraine and by the time I woke up, I really had to go to work... so, I will have to wait until this Friday.  Then, the next Friday I will be out of town so I guess I am in an "every 2 weeks" pattern... this has the potential to be very good or very bad...  On the one hand, if I lose like I did last week, it could be very encouraging to see the double digit losses, which could fuel me to keep on my grind!  On the other hand, it gives me more time in between each weigh-in, which can be dangerous.  

Today, I choose to make it work for my health... 

This past week, the Pastoral Care Department of Texas Health Harris Methodist Fort Worth hosted a Faith Community Leadership Summit.  We brought in Terry Hershey as our keynote speaker.  There were many meaningful truths that were powerful for me, one of which being a neat realization for me... 

See, one of the hardest things for people to do is to give our self permission to care for our self... and ministers are the worst.  Terry invited us to really think about the ways that we honor the Sabbath... the way that Jesus modeled throughout his entire ministry... honoring the Spirit of the Sabbath, not the Law...  Even in His ministry, he had to say, "No" to others so that he could say "Yes" to restoring His soul, and after teaching and healing in large crowds of people, he would go away by himself to be alone.  He was modeling for each of us what it means to care for our self so that we have something left to give to the world, and it is something that we all have to be intentional about.... 

Now, this concept is not new to me... it's something that I practice, not all the time of course, but what was a realization for me was realizing what that means to me these days... He asked us to take a moment to think about where our Sanctuary is... that place where we find rest and feed our souls... and that Sanctuary is different for each and every person... my realization was that, for me, that place is at the gym... Never in my life have I ever thought that if someone asked me how I restore my soul, my first thought would be "working out."  It was an exciting realization, made even more exciting yesterday as I was running on the treadmill and kept running... I was thoroughly amazed with myself as I just kept running longer than I have ever been able to do before and didn't get short of breath.  

When I'm doing cardio I try to keep my heart rate upwards of the 70% - 80% range of my resting heart rate... which is supposed to be the "Fat Burning Zone"...  and I have noticed lately that I have had to increase the incline to get to that zone.  (Since my little accident where I sprained my ankle and flew off the back of the treadmill, I have been scared to increase the speed, but yesterday I thought I would give it a try.)  I had "Girl Talk" going on my headphones which really keeps me focused... and I started jogging... I felt so good that I upped the speed a little more and started running... not very fast of course, but running none the less, and I kept waiting for the shortness of breath... but it didn't come... so I just kept going and got a little embarrassed when I realized I was grinning from ear to ear as I ran.  What can I say, it felt really good... and it hit me... this is what it feels like to "let my body catch up with my soul."

Of course, that is not the only way I know to restore my soul... 

spending time with my family restores my soul...  

Skyping with Alicia and Jack Jack...  

A hug from Cedric... 

Talking to Jen... 

Happy Hour with close friends... 

Sitting on my couch on Tuesday evenings with a  healthy meal, watching The Biggest Loser...

...all restore my soul!

So, as I leave you this Sabbath Day, I wonder... where is your Sanctuary?  

Where do you go to find rest and restore your soul? 
Today, I am going to honor it using my creativity to cook... the first creation is this delicious salad...

salmon, avocado, baby bella mushrooms, and Walden Farms Raspberry Vinaigrette

 

Chicken Amore!

I got this recipe from my friend Kathy, who got it from HungryGirl.com and then I amended it for myself.

So, the way that I made it, it's...

2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, tenderized until flat (approx 4 oz)

salt, pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, basil

1 portobella mushroom, sliced

2 Laughing Cow Light Swiss Wedges

1 cup Amy's Organic Chunky Tomato Bisque (Light in Sodium if you can find it)

1/2 cup of Fage Fat Free Greek Yogurt

1/4 tsp Italian Seasoning

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

After the chicken has been beaten flat/tenderized, season to taste with the salt, pepper, garlic, and onion.

Cook the portabello slices in a pan on med-high heat for about 4 min on each side, until soft, (using non-stick spray).

Spread 1 Laughing Cow wedge a piece on the underside of each chicken breast and sprinkle with basil, then lay slices of cooked portabello over the top.

Tightly roll the chicken breasts, with the filling inside and fasten with toothpicks. 

Place rolled chicken breasts in casserole dish and cover with foil, cooking for 15 minutes.

Remove foil and continue cooking for another 15 minutes.

While the chicken is cooking, combine the Tomato Bisque, Fat Free Greek Yogurt and italian seasonings and place in microwave safe bowl.  

When chicken is done and removed from oven, cook sauce until warm (1-3 minutes depending on your microwave, in 1 min increments, stirring in between)

This recipe is absolutely to die for...

Kathy put spinach in the filling as well and said it was great that way.

The HG recipe included roast red peppers in the filling but I skipped on those.  

It truly is delicious and made this way, it has

261 cal

6.3 g fat

14 net carbs

34 g protein
If I had the calories to spend, I would have paired this with Shiratake Tofu Spaghetti noodles for only an extra 40 cal... and for Cedric, it will top a bed of Barilla Plus Spaghetti noodles!

10.6

Heck yeah!

I finally weighed in this morning, after 2 1/2 weeks and dang it felt good...

I lost 10.6 lbs for a total loss now of 51 pounds in 18 weeks!

I lost DOUBLE DIGITS DUDE!

I mean, I know that it was over 2 1/2 weeks and not just one week, but I still feel like I finally know what the Biggest Loser contestants feel when they lose double digits.

To be honest, I don't really know what else to say.... I think the scale said it all this morning!

Hope you have a great Friday!  

I am excited about the sun and praying that it warms up!

Shiratake Tofu Noodles saved my diet tonight

I was too hungry and it looked too good to take the time to grab the good camera... 

so I snapped a shot with my iPhone....

This is Shiratake Fettuccine Alfredo... and it is what saved me... 

I have been craving Fettuccine Alfredo like nobody's business, and I pass an Italian restaurant every day on my way to and from work... and every day I have to say NO.

So, yesterday, on the way home from the doctor, I stopped at the new Sprouts and got some Shiratake Tofu Noodles (Thank you Kathy) and on the back it had a recipe for this Alfredo... 

and I looked forward to it all day... 

It has...

98 cal

2 g fat

6.6 net carbs

8.3 g protein

And... it tastes good!  

I'm sure that if you've had real Italian recently, it wouldn't compare to the richness of a real Alfredo sauce, but since I haven't, it felt like I was cheating... sort of!

Anyway, I also went to the gym today after work... sinus/upper respiratory infection not stopping me. It felt good to get back in the gym.  I am hoping I can make it tomorrow too, but with the Impending Inclement Weather, I may be out of luck.  Good thing I have what I need at home to stay on top of it!

So, while I don't weigh in on Tuesday anymore, I am staying true to my Tuesday night Biggest Loser watching!  And as they ate their chocolates in their temptation, I finished off dinner with a Sugar Free Toffee Square!  AMEN and thank God for Russell Stover Sugar Free Toffee Squares!

Snowpalooza

Well, It's snowing again... and this time it's real snow... not that icy mess!  It is absolutely beautiful!

Problem is, that I didn't know about the winter wonderland waiting for me this morning, so I got up early, took a shower, did my make-up, fixed my hair, and got all prettied up for my weigh-in... I decided I wanted to feel pretty as I watched the numbers drop on the scale today... so I bundled up and opened the back door to take Lillie out, right before I was getting ready to leave... and here is what I found...

The funniest part is that I still walked out the front door to find my car covered in beautiful powder...

 and what did I do?

I took my tennis racket, brushed off the snow, got in my car and started driving to Medi...

It didn't really occur to me that nobody else was on the road, or that it was still snowing pretty heavily... I just kept driving.  Cedric told me to turn around and go home, because they wouldn't be open, but I was adamant.  Silly me... He talked me into calling... of course nobody answered... why would they?  We're in the middle of Snowpalooza!

But I was so excited to weigh-in, nothing was going to stop me...

When they didn't answer the phone, I turned onto University (from Granbury, because I may have been dumb enough to try to go but I wasn't dumb enough to try the interstate) stopped at the grocery store for toilet paper, and headed home with hummus and a chicken, and no toilet paper!

So... I'm in for my first snow day... since I was one of the few North Texans that actually still has to work on snow days... I just happened to be off today!  

Hoping that the snow will clear up eventually so Cedric can come snuggle with me soon... electric blankets don't have anything on the body warmth of cuddling with someone you love...

For now... I guess Lillie, Puma and Tigre will have to do!

Next weigh-in scheduled for next Friday morning at 7am... after 2 1/2 weeks, I should have a really encouraging loss!  

Even with the horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day I had yesterday, I didn't overeat or have a glass of wine (In fact, now that I think about it, I didn't eat at all last night... oops!)

I was tempted to go straight from work and enjoy my favorite margarita from Gloria's but my friend and mentor caught me before I got down the escalator and let me debrief with her, and reminded me to think about what healthy choices I was going to make to cope with my grief and disappointment.  The gym was closed so I went home and used the balance ball and kettle bell... I talked to Cedric and cried about it (after starting a fight instead of using my words effectively) and he heard me.  Then I watched half of Grey's Anatomy before heading to bed.  

So, I am still on my game... even with the wintry weather that screams eat pizza, chili, cinnamon rolls and everything else in sight!

So, for now... I am using my self-control and enjoying making healthy decisions away from any temptations to eat things I shouldn't and enjoying the snow!

Staying the Course

These are my "Before" and "After losing 40 pounds" pictures that I got from Medi.  I was really supposed to take one after 30 and just kept putting it off... so I guess my "-50" won't really be all that different, but hopefully it will be soon.  I hit a significant goal this week (according to my scale at home) and so I have a feeling that Friday will not be near the disappointment that the past three weeks were.  I'm looking forward to weighing in this week... how deluded is that?

I've enjoyed really good food this week, all of which was healthy... shrimp, salmon, extra lean ground turkey, "portabello pizza," and today I made an awesome pizza... 

High Fiber, Carb Smart whole wheat tortilla (50 cal; 4 net carbs; 5g protein)

pizza sauce made with extra sauteed garlic and habanero 

sauteed onion, garlic, baby bell mushrooms and poblano peppers

1 oz extra lean ground turkey

skim shredded mozzarella cheese

...tonight it's spicy chicken soup from chicken breast, onion, poblano pepper, broth and seasonings... I hope it's good!

All that aside, I guess it's a good thing I already switched my weigh-in days to Fridays because I'm pretty sure Medi is closed today, like half of north Texas... I have to admit, the roads really are bad... and they were worse this afternoon on the way home than they were early early when I went to let Lillie out and go back to work... so I hope that everyone is being careful, staying warm, and enjoying the snow/ice day!

So fresh and so clean

I woke up this morning, before my alarm went off at 5am... but because I hadn't gone to bed until much later than I'd planned last night, I let myself go back to sleep until I woke up a few minutes before my alarm went off at 6am...
I went through my morning ritual and was at the hospital by 7am... Strawberry protein smoothie in tow...
I visited with my friend Kathy for a bit before heading up to the office... she's my weight loss buddy at work... then I went to Cai Cai's Lay Training Committee...
In CPE seminar, I presented Jonah and the Whale for Godly Play and then had an annoying IPR (Interpersonal Relations Seminar)... After lunch, we had a meaningful IPR (part 2) with my colleagues in the privacy of our office... And then, I finally had the first truly meaningful supervision, (sort of like professional therapy, but not... I just don't know how else to explain it in a way that someone outside the CPE world can even fathom) in two units, because I met with both supervisors and was finally actually heard, for the first time... I apparently scared the crap out of a patient by walking into the room and introducing myself as a patient... to an extreme that I had never experienced before... talk about a prescription for a power trip (if I were that sort of chaplain)!
After work I had a fun, invigorating workout... truly... I am pretty sure I danced through half of it, without any regard to those around me... which was made easier by the fact that I wasn't wearing my glasses!
I stopped by Target on the way home and got some kitty litter, toothpaste, and fish... exciting huh?
At Target, I saw a dear friend from ages past in between the seafood and the bread aisle and it was so good to catch up. It's strange how you don't realize how much you've missed someone until you're hugging them after a long separation...
It reminded me of other relationships that I also value deeply that I have been unable to kindle over the past several years, that I miss deeply... and how important it is to me to find a way to re-kindle those relationships now that school no longer swallows me whole.
Speaking of being swallowed whole... that's a pretty reasonable segue into explaining why I changed the name of yesterday's blog...
The "belly of the whale" is a reference to the Godly Play story that I have been engaging the past couple of weeks... Most of the time, we read the story of Jonah and think of being swallowed up by the whale as a bad thing... (or at least I had) but the way that it's resonated with me lately, through Jerome Barryman's creative approach to telling the story, I have recognized the belly of the whale as being God's deliverance... The whale swallows Jonah up while he's sinking in an ocean of despair, after he jumped overboard rather than listen to and speak for God... In the belly of the whale he is alone with the messy goo of his own thoughts echoing in his ears, while the rest of the noise of the world is blocked out... That is exactly where I found myself Tuesday night when the "rescuer" me told the "victim" me... "you're on your own this time!"
I was forced to sit with myself in a cold, dark, emotionally vulnerable space, which forced me to lean on God instead of myself and hear God over my own abusive voice... and trust that God would not let me drown in my own proverbial "suicide attempt"... that God would swallow me up and hold me while I wrestled with myself and spit me back out onto the shore where I needed to be...
Which he did... and today I felt good... I felt motivated... I felt bold enough to be honest in the face of two supervisors, in a way that I knew would result in some painful engagement... which is what I was asking for... because, growth IS what it IS... it's painful and brilliant and necessary... and I am not one to be complacent or content with a static existence...
Then, instead of asking my colleagues to meet me for Happy Hour, I rocked out at the gym... where I encountered a woman I have fostered a pastoral relationship with in the hospital, who acknowledged my weight loss and sought out direction from me, and I was energized by encouraging her with her battle as we exchanged high fives...
Today I felt like I had purged myself of the toxins that were infecting my immune system and I felt physically, emotionally and mentally refreshed and renewed...
I pray I can keep clinging to that and that when I weigh-in again, there will be a tangible reflection of that. Time for bed!
Peace Out!

Living Out Loud!

Today I got a pretty loud reminder what it means to blog... what it means to put my life out there for... literally... the whole world to see.  I have always thought it neat that you can see how many people are reading your blog and from where in the world... I have people in Russia, Denmark, Mexico, France, Canada, Croatia, Germany and all over the US reading... people that I don't know... and people that I do know... and apparently people that I used to know...
Even though this journey in uncovering me is a good one... it's a hard one... because my weight is just as much an emotional battle as physical... And it's hard to process through all the reasons why I let myself get to that state... including acknowledging that I allowed myself to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship for so long that nobody, including me, could recognize me anymore... I lost my fire... I lost myself!
It's painful to acknowledge that for all these years, a part of me was hiding behind all that extra weight in some sick deluded effort to protect myself from experiencing that kind of pain ever again... and in a destructive effort to try and prove that I am good enough, no matter what I weigh!
Today that person made it known that he still checks in on me... and that he reads my blog.  At first it really pissed me off that he would have the nerve to contact me at all... especially so publicly... but I talked it out with some good friends and processed it on my own a bit... and leaned into the love of my life...  and I realized... who cares!
I am not the same person I used to be... my life is not the same life it used to be... and whether he keeps track of me or not is really irrelevant...
I know that I have healed! I know that I have recovered that beautiful, powerful, spirit-filled, full-of-life woman that God created me to be! I know that the love that I share with Cedric is the healing kind... the life-giving kind... the kind that makes me a better me... a whole me!  I know that I love myself enough to never give my power away again!  I know that I am blessed beyond measure... and I know that the past is the past!
So... read on... knock yourself out... and know that the best decision I made back then was getting on a plane to Paris and knowing I was starting over!  And life keeps getting sweeter!

Looking out over Paris from atop the Eiffel Tower...

ready for the start of a new future... 

reclaiming my independence!

 :)

3..... 2..... 1....

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Today is the last day of my old life… I went to Medi Weight Loss Clinic today.  They took my blood, did an EKG, measured my waist, and put me on this scale that tells you your weight, your BMI, and a bunch of other stuff, but the neatest thing it does is tell you how many lbs of fat you are composed of and how many pounds is water weight, which if you subtract that from your total weight, it also tells you how much the rest of your body weighs… the weight of your body composition of skin, muscles, bones, etc… For as long as I can remember I have been told that my ideal weight is 121-130 and so that is what I believed.  When I did LA Weight Loss I got down to 170 and I hit a plateau.  I was going through so much other stuff at the time that between being “stuck” and being in the worst relationship ever, I gave up and I let myself gain it all back, plus some.  I felt good… looking back, I looked good… but I had it in my mind that I was supposed to lose another 30 lbs and I let that overwhelm me….
Today I learned that my body... bones, skin, muscle tissues and water... without any fat at all, would weigh 130 lbs, so it is not realistic that I should weigh 130 lbs.  My goal weight range is 163-172 which doesn’t feel like a big difference but it is…  It helps to know that the people who are helping me lose my weight want me to be healthy, not waste away.  It helps to know that I was once where I need to be and I know that I can get there again, because I did it!  And this time I won’t feel defeated when I get to where I should be, because nobody else will try to tell me that I should lose more.  I am looking forward to this journey to wellness!

BEFORE: