Baby Binging My Way into Onederland!

So... seeing as how it's been ages since I've blogged... lots has happened since then.  The biggest being my phone interview... Wednesday I had a phone interview for a hospital chaplain position at the Cleveland Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio.  The interview went very well and they invited me up for a face-to-face interview on June 23rd.  I'm really nervous and really excited and I decided that this is exactly what I need to get me going on my weight loss journey again.  I have been stuck emotionally for several months... processing the frustration of road blocks in my job search as personal rejection and I let this emotion dig me into a deep, muddy hole of depression .  I was functioning out of this false sense of reality that if I work hard, I can achieve anything... I can attain anything... because that has always "worked" for me before.  Now that I'm graduated and ordained, and putting myself out into the world as "Rev. Megan Elizabeth Lilburn, M.Div" for the first time, it's not working anymore... and that disrupted my worldview.  Recently I've reframed this difficult battle to accept that while it's disappointing not to get offers on these jobs I have applied to, it's not a personal rejection, just a reflection of the competitive and highly saturated job market for chaplains. Thursday in my CPE unit evals I explained this new reframing as allowing me to get unstuck...  I finally sat down, put down the shovel and let things dry up a little... I know I'm not out of my hole yet, but I'm not stuck anymore either.  It's still going to take some work to climb out of the hole I dug for myself... but at least I put away my shovel, gave myself time to grieve, and started the work of climbing out.  So... as I make my way out of my emotional hole, I know that it is time to get out of my weight-loss hole too and get my butt in full gear again.... and so I set a new goal of dropping into Onederland before my interview... that means losing about nine pounds in about 4 weeks... which really should not be that hard if I can stay focused....
And watching The Biggest Loser Finale helped too... I totally want to be Hannah!
So Onderland, here I come... but of course... I set this goal just in time to go on vacation!
And... stereotypically speaking... vacations carry with them the fear of putting on extra pounds.
I'm spending the week in Roswell, New Mexico with my best friend Jen and her family... and part of the deal is that I get to keep her baby Reece at home with me while Jen and Matt work.  So... I'm mostly sitting "at home" all day playing with Reece... but when he's sleeping... prime snack time, right?  You would think... but I've been rocking the plan this week!
I'm not sure if it's because I'm not at my own home so I'm not as comfortable snacking or if it's because I am feeling committed to my new goal... but so far, it's been a really great week.  And it helps that Jen is committed to eating healthy too so she is a really good influence on me and a great buddy for eating right!

So Friday night Matt grilled Steak and Zuchini.  Saturday Jen and I drove to Ruidoso and went to the horse races and lost our whole $10 a piece... we each bet $5 a piece on different horses to show in 2 races and we both lost both races... pretty lame!  Then she took me out to dinner at Casa Blanca... for some excellent Chile Rellenos.  So yeah, Chile Rellenos aren't exactly "being good" but it was the first day of my Weight Watchers week, because I usually weigh-in on Saturdays, so I had all my "weekly points plus" and I had only used 14 "daily points plus" for breakfast and dinner... so I am still on track with more than enough "weekly points plus" points left.  That is part of the beauty of Weight Watchers!
For breakfast I've been having Bagel sandwiches with Bagel Thins, 1/3 less fat Cream Cheese and Deli Fresh turkey slices with an orange or a grapefruit (for a 6 point breakfast).  For Lunch I've been making sandwiches with Bagel Thins, Weight Watchers spreadable Swiss Cheese wedges, Avocado and a Boca burger pattie (for an 8 point lunch).  Last night Matt grilled chicken and veggie kabobs.  Tonight Jen is making Poblanos stuffed with lean ground turkey, brown rice, reduced fat cheese and rotel (an 8 point dinner).  Tomorrow night I am making Chicken Amore.  Wednesday night I'm making turkey burgers stuffed with reduced fat string cheese and steamed broccoli.  Thursday night I'm cooking Soy Glazed Salmon and Soy Glazed Green Beans.
I've been snacking on fruit and resisting Matt's Doritos, even though they are tempting... so  I got some Quaker Quakes Rice Cake Snacks instead. 
I've gone for at least a 30 minute walk every day.  This morning I woke up and ate my breakfast, then Reece woke up and I fed him and we went for a long walk.  He fell asleep by the time we got home and I took a shower while he napped.  Then we played some more until he went down for another nap at noon.  Jen and Matt came home at lunch and we ate lunch and then Reece woke up and I seasoned the chicken and ground turkey while they played with him.  It's been lots of fun... truly the good life!  I joked earlier today with Caitlin that I was Baby Binging... instead of food binging... eating up all the baby time I can while I can!  Quality baby time is a supreme substitute for food... I'll take it any day!
I fully expect that I will be right on target this week and look forward to weighing in when I get back in town... and until then... I am having lots of fun!

If the truth be told...

"If the truth be told..."

It's a phrase you use to start a sentence when you're are trying to get at the elephant in the room, particularly the elephant you can't see... The purpose is to extend and invitation to be honest with one's self and with God... to be vulnerable enough to be authentic, even if it means speaking out loud a though or idea or fear that seems "wrong" or scary.  Being authentic means being vulnerable and being vulnerable means taking a risk... a risk that people will honor the sacredness of what you are offering them and provide a safe space to wrestle with your own demons and sometimes with God.  The thing about it is, how do you know who to trust?  How do you know when and where you will be safe?  Well, if the truth be told, you don't.  You don't ever know for sure that your honesty and authenticity will be honored... that's why it's a risk... that is precisely what makes it such a vulnerable place to be... and why so often, we miss out on opportunities to be in authentic relationship with one another... either because we don't want to risk being authentic with another or because we can't figure out how to be open to another in a way that invites them to be authentic with us... and most of the time, these two go hand in hand.

About a month ago I got an email from an old classmate.  I really enjoyed hearing from her and what she had to share with me, but it got me to thinking about the "me" she knew.  I thought back to that time in my life and the only thing I could remember was how self-absorbed I was back then.  I was really ashamed of myself when I thought of who I was back then, despite the fact that I was only 12 or 13 years old, and I when I responded to her email I mentioned this and asked for her forgiveness if I had ever been mean.  This week I received another email from her and she told me that what she remembered about me was not the "hateful me" but a different me... a version of me that resonates more with the me that I strive to be today.  It was really powerful for me... and brought me to tears actually. It reminded me that sometimes what counts, is who we are when nobody is looking... that doesn't mean that we are excused of oppressive or hateful behaviors that are public... but the reality is that who we are when we think that no one is looking, is probably as authentic as it gets.  It was also a reminder to me that everyone has a choice of how they choose to go through life... we can choose to remember the bad, the pain and the hatefulness or we can choose to remember the good in others and and ourselves and to let that fuel us to continue to work towards peace and liberation. This correspondence with her has also made me wish that my own inability to be authentic and provide a safe space for others to be authentic with me hadn't caused me to miss the opportunity to know her back then... and thankful for the opportunity to begin doing that now. 

At the end of the day, if the truth be told, how do I choose to engage the world this day and how do I plan to engage it tomorrow?

On another note, I lost another 2.2 pounds this week!  It's coming off slow, but at least it's still coming off.  I won't be weighing in this week because I will be in Oklahoma for my Ordination this weekend.  I am still putting the finishing touches on the bulletin but the worship liturgy is done.  I am pretty excited but so incredibly freaked out... I know that as soon as I send it off, it's final... and why that scares me, I don't know... but it does.  It's such a big deal!  I don't even really know how to explain...  It's going to be a big day!
Hope to see lots of you there, but for those of you who won't be there... Have a good week... I have a feeling I won't have much time to blog between now and then!

So fresh and so clean

I woke up this morning, before my alarm went off at 5am... but because I hadn't gone to bed until much later than I'd planned last night, I let myself go back to sleep until I woke up a few minutes before my alarm went off at 6am...
I went through my morning ritual and was at the hospital by 7am... Strawberry protein smoothie in tow...
I visited with my friend Kathy for a bit before heading up to the office... she's my weight loss buddy at work... then I went to Cai Cai's Lay Training Committee...
In CPE seminar, I presented Jonah and the Whale for Godly Play and then had an annoying IPR (Interpersonal Relations Seminar)... After lunch, we had a meaningful IPR (part 2) with my colleagues in the privacy of our office... And then, I finally had the first truly meaningful supervision, (sort of like professional therapy, but not... I just don't know how else to explain it in a way that someone outside the CPE world can even fathom) in two units, because I met with both supervisors and was finally actually heard, for the first time... I apparently scared the crap out of a patient by walking into the room and introducing myself as a patient... to an extreme that I had never experienced before... talk about a prescription for a power trip (if I were that sort of chaplain)!
After work I had a fun, invigorating workout... truly... I am pretty sure I danced through half of it, without any regard to those around me... which was made easier by the fact that I wasn't wearing my glasses!
I stopped by Target on the way home and got some kitty litter, toothpaste, and fish... exciting huh?
At Target, I saw a dear friend from ages past in between the seafood and the bread aisle and it was so good to catch up. It's strange how you don't realize how much you've missed someone until you're hugging them after a long separation...
It reminded me of other relationships that I also value deeply that I have been unable to kindle over the past several years, that I miss deeply... and how important it is to me to find a way to re-kindle those relationships now that school no longer swallows me whole.
Speaking of being swallowed whole... that's a pretty reasonable segue into explaining why I changed the name of yesterday's blog...
The "belly of the whale" is a reference to the Godly Play story that I have been engaging the past couple of weeks... Most of the time, we read the story of Jonah and think of being swallowed up by the whale as a bad thing... (or at least I had) but the way that it's resonated with me lately, through Jerome Barryman's creative approach to telling the story, I have recognized the belly of the whale as being God's deliverance... The whale swallows Jonah up while he's sinking in an ocean of despair, after he jumped overboard rather than listen to and speak for God... In the belly of the whale he is alone with the messy goo of his own thoughts echoing in his ears, while the rest of the noise of the world is blocked out... That is exactly where I found myself Tuesday night when the "rescuer" me told the "victim" me... "you're on your own this time!"
I was forced to sit with myself in a cold, dark, emotionally vulnerable space, which forced me to lean on God instead of myself and hear God over my own abusive voice... and trust that God would not let me drown in my own proverbial "suicide attempt"... that God would swallow me up and hold me while I wrestled with myself and spit me back out onto the shore where I needed to be...
Which he did... and today I felt good... I felt motivated... I felt bold enough to be honest in the face of two supervisors, in a way that I knew would result in some painful engagement... which is what I was asking for... because, growth IS what it IS... it's painful and brilliant and necessary... and I am not one to be complacent or content with a static existence...
Then, instead of asking my colleagues to meet me for Happy Hour, I rocked out at the gym... where I encountered a woman I have fostered a pastoral relationship with in the hospital, who acknowledged my weight loss and sought out direction from me, and I was energized by encouraging her with her battle as we exchanged high fives...
Today I felt like I had purged myself of the toxins that were infecting my immune system and I felt physically, emotionally and mentally refreshed and renewed...
I pray I can keep clinging to that and that when I weigh-in again, there will be a tangible reflection of that. Time for bed!
Peace Out!