Medi: Part II

So I went back to Medi yesterday and I'm starting all over again... since I know that it works, as long as I follow the program... it seemed like the best way to tackle this demon.
It's expenisve and I am not sure how long I will be able to afford it, but I figure if that isn't motivation to make it work, then I am in trouble anyway.
So far, today, I am doing well.  I'm drinking my water. I had a protein shake and a hard boiled egg for breakfast; a protein shake and a mini baby bell for lunch; and I plan on having tilapia for dinner.  I am hungry and have a but of a headache but I knew that would be the case... and at least for the first week, it will only get worse.  Then next week, it will start to get better until I start to feel good.
Last Friday I went to my first Spiritual Direction session, and I am excited about beginning a new journey to wholeness, which means spiritual, emotional and pysical health. My jounrey is to rediscover the authentic Megan... who is Brave, Bold, Healthy, Joyful and Trusting.  There are so many goals that I want in life and I need to be Brave, Bold, Healthy, Joyful and Trusting in order to reach them.
So I am looking forward to this new journey and will need a lot of accountability!

Real Talk

So... today I realized that my old theological framework is getting in the way of my weight loss... and since I don't have room for that theological framework in my ministry anymore, it doesn't make sense to function out of it in my personal life... so here's some real talk...
Old framework... grace & compassion = niceness... forgiveness... warm fuzzies
New framework... sometimes grace and compassion is messy and raw... for example, you don't coddle and continue to bail out an addict over and over and over again who is self destructing... you confront them about their addiction and acknowledge the destruction around them and refuse to participate in it anymore...
And... since food is my addiction... it's time I have an intervention... for the past several months I have been lurking in this 10 pound rut and every time I get close to this holy threshold of Onederland, I start back into this binge eating frenzy (justifying it with excuses that its healthy food or that I can start over again tomorrow...)  I keep telling myself it's ok, because that's what "we" tell each other... this proverbial "we" of food junkies... but all that does is keep us stuck where we are...
This brand of grace and compassion doesn't work when it comes to destructive behavior... that's why I'm still right where I was three months ago... because I keep telling myself its ok to have this or that... or "it's just a little bit"... and "I'm really stressed this week"... etc etc etc... IT'S NOT WORKING!
And this weight loss thing isn't about looking good in a swimsuit for me... if it were, maybe that dismissive "grace" would be fine... but weight loss for me... for someone my size is about life and about life lived more fully....
I saw a friend of mine today that I haven't seen in probably a year and she was literally in tears when she saw me... and it wasn't because she wants my body... it's because she loves me and she was celebrating my life being lived more fully!  It was convicting... along side the "Muscle Blast" class she drug me to that totally delivered on it's name, leaving my muscles feeling like jello.  So thank you Sarah Pharr for lovingly participating in my intervention today.
I value the relationships that hold me accountable to my weight loss journey... that call me out when I am tumbling off the wagon head first... and remind me that I am worth it to love myself better than I do... those who will eat healthy with me an work out with me and get excited about healthy choices.
SO... The intervention is in full force...
It's time to get in my own face and stay there.... put down the after dinner Weight Watcher's snacks and the fruit and all the other healthy snacks that defeat their purpose in large quantities.... pop a piece of sugar free gum... and walk away from the kitchen.

Because being morbidly obese is not an acceptable fashion statement... it's not a funny joke to laugh about with one another or a bonding point to perpetuate one another's unhealthy lifestyles by being cohorts in feeding each other's addictions... it's a personal statement of self-worth and self-respect.. and I am tired of communicating that I don't care about myself without having to say a word...

When it comes to weight loss, grace is only effective when it's the exception, not the rule!

Headed back to the gym tomorrow and I'm pumped!

If the truth be told...

"If the truth be told..."

It's a phrase you use to start a sentence when you're are trying to get at the elephant in the room, particularly the elephant you can't see... The purpose is to extend and invitation to be honest with one's self and with God... to be vulnerable enough to be authentic, even if it means speaking out loud a though or idea or fear that seems "wrong" or scary.  Being authentic means being vulnerable and being vulnerable means taking a risk... a risk that people will honor the sacredness of what you are offering them and provide a safe space to wrestle with your own demons and sometimes with God.  The thing about it is, how do you know who to trust?  How do you know when and where you will be safe?  Well, if the truth be told, you don't.  You don't ever know for sure that your honesty and authenticity will be honored... that's why it's a risk... that is precisely what makes it such a vulnerable place to be... and why so often, we miss out on opportunities to be in authentic relationship with one another... either because we don't want to risk being authentic with another or because we can't figure out how to be open to another in a way that invites them to be authentic with us... and most of the time, these two go hand in hand.

About a month ago I got an email from an old classmate.  I really enjoyed hearing from her and what she had to share with me, but it got me to thinking about the "me" she knew.  I thought back to that time in my life and the only thing I could remember was how self-absorbed I was back then.  I was really ashamed of myself when I thought of who I was back then, despite the fact that I was only 12 or 13 years old, and I when I responded to her email I mentioned this and asked for her forgiveness if I had ever been mean.  This week I received another email from her and she told me that what she remembered about me was not the "hateful me" but a different me... a version of me that resonates more with the me that I strive to be today.  It was really powerful for me... and brought me to tears actually. It reminded me that sometimes what counts, is who we are when nobody is looking... that doesn't mean that we are excused of oppressive or hateful behaviors that are public... but the reality is that who we are when we think that no one is looking, is probably as authentic as it gets.  It was also a reminder to me that everyone has a choice of how they choose to go through life... we can choose to remember the bad, the pain and the hatefulness or we can choose to remember the good in others and and ourselves and to let that fuel us to continue to work towards peace and liberation. This correspondence with her has also made me wish that my own inability to be authentic and provide a safe space for others to be authentic with me hadn't caused me to miss the opportunity to know her back then... and thankful for the opportunity to begin doing that now. 

At the end of the day, if the truth be told, how do I choose to engage the world this day and how do I plan to engage it tomorrow?

On another note, I lost another 2.2 pounds this week!  It's coming off slow, but at least it's still coming off.  I won't be weighing in this week because I will be in Oklahoma for my Ordination this weekend.  I am still putting the finishing touches on the bulletin but the worship liturgy is done.  I am pretty excited but so incredibly freaked out... I know that as soon as I send it off, it's final... and why that scares me, I don't know... but it does.  It's such a big deal!  I don't even really know how to explain...  It's going to be a big day!
Hope to see lots of you there, but for those of you who won't be there... Have a good week... I have a feeling I won't have much time to blog between now and then!