Healthy Body, Mind and Soul

So I haven't been as faithful a blogger this time around as I was last... not because I haven't been successful or because I am less committed, but because I am so rarely sitting in front of a computer where I can... and my personal computer is now out of commission, at least temporarily.
So... to catch you up on this journey... I weighed in for my week four appointment today and I have lost a total of 16.5 lbs and lost 3 inches in my waist so far... which is good and exciting.  In addition to doing Medi, I have also been on another journey... I started a 60 day challenge with Bikram Yoga, which has been really perfect for me. I have to do 60 classes in 60 days, and who wants to exercise in a 105 degree room for 90 min at a time more than once in a day... which makes me even more motivated to go every day. I can feel a change in my body... and in my spirit... My practice (overall) has improved (even though, of course, I still have bad days)... so today will be 18 days in a row... and I really LOVE it. My biggest challenge is staying hydrated though... because you sweat like nobody's business and I can't drink the coconut water or normal sports drinks because of the carbs (because of Medi) so, it has been a challenge... one that has resulted in 2 migraines during the 18 days... But the reality is, I need to stay hydrated anyway... so I just have to keep working at it.
Anyway... in addition to Medi, and Yoga, I have also been doing Spiritual Direction which was exactly what I needed to jumpstart my whole balancing act... helping me to balance my emotional and spiritual life and practice spiritual discipline. During my first session... before I started back to Medi or Bikram... she invited me to remember what it felt like to be the authentic Megan i have known in the past... and I remembered that there were times when I was Brave, Bold, Balanced, and Healthy and so that became my mantra... and my drive to be those things again...
Life long practices to keep balanced and healthy...

Medi: Part II

So I went back to Medi yesterday and I'm starting all over again... since I know that it works, as long as I follow the program... it seemed like the best way to tackle this demon.
It's expenisve and I am not sure how long I will be able to afford it, but I figure if that isn't motivation to make it work, then I am in trouble anyway.
So far, today, I am doing well.  I'm drinking my water. I had a protein shake and a hard boiled egg for breakfast; a protein shake and a mini baby bell for lunch; and I plan on having tilapia for dinner.  I am hungry and have a but of a headache but I knew that would be the case... and at least for the first week, it will only get worse.  Then next week, it will start to get better until I start to feel good.
Last Friday I went to my first Spiritual Direction session, and I am excited about beginning a new journey to wholeness, which means spiritual, emotional and pysical health. My jounrey is to rediscover the authentic Megan... who is Brave, Bold, Healthy, Joyful and Trusting.  There are so many goals that I want in life and I need to be Brave, Bold, Healthy, Joyful and Trusting in order to reach them.
So I am looking forward to this new journey and will need a lot of accountability!

Self-Definition

So... for the sake of stating the obvious... It has been a long time since I've posted... Alot has happened since I last wrote and my body feels it.  Several months ago... I had an interview in Cleveland, Ohio with a highly regarded hospital for a position as a full-time chaplain.  Needless to say, that interview process left much to be desired... not including the fact that I was not offered the position, because after that process, I was certain it was not a good fit for me...
That experience, however, set into motion a downward spiral of emotional, physical and mental destructiveness as I allowed the feedback of one individual to steal my own authority, self-definition and ultimately my power.  One of my biggest regrets that resulted from that interview, and there are many, is that I discontinued my blog... believing that somehow it was crippling me on the job front. Looking back, I realize that the feedback I recieved from that individual revealed more about her than it did about me, but the way I reacted to it (instead of responding) revealed some significant areas of opportunity in my growth, and was worth processing and reflecting on. 
The past several months have encompassed a great deal of heart-ache, stress, despair, hope, transition, healing, future planning, relationship cut-offs and re-building... however painful it may feel, and ultimately... self-definition.  I have been reflecting on, and processing who I am, what I want and what I need.... re-defining what it means to be me... and be me most fully. 
This is a difficult and painful process... not only for me, but also for those in relationship with me as I begin to re-claim what i need in those relationships in ways that feel like me pushing away, distancing or even cutting-off... but ultimately I believe that it is a life-giving process for me, for those I am in relationship with and for the relationships themselves... I have experienced newness and blossoming in my relationships as they take shape in new ways...
So of course... all of that is well and good... but the most important relationship for any of us, is the one we have with ourself, because this relationship is the one that determines the health and vitality of all other relationships we maintain.  And so the time has come for me to recommit myself to me... to revive my relationship with myself... to listen to my inner being and start tending to my own needs with a more intentional and disciplined focus...
When I listen to myself, I hear my body telling me, it's time to pay attention to it... I have gained some weight back... enough that I feel uncomfortable in my own skin again... and I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to allow myself to gain the weight back after I lost it...
So... I renewed my subscription to Weight Watchers Online today and I started tracking again... I already have a membership to 24 Hr fitness, so there's no excuse not to be active...
I start my new job next week and the office (not that I will ever really be in the office) is literally across the street from one of the gyms I go to... so... It's on!
And in the spirit of that recommital... I recommit myself to my blog as well... this blog has been one of the keys to my success, not only because it holds me accountable, but because it is a way for me to share myself and my story with others who are going through the same struggles... not neccessarily only weight struggles, but the battles with our inner selves that cause us to live in less than life-giving ways.  When sharing my story results in other people sharing their stories with me as well, I feel that sense of community and trust that builds mutality and support.  That is why I blog... it is a positive, life-giving form of self-care... one of multiple forms of self-care that I practice... but one that I have found to meet my needs... and I will not make apologies for it.

Real Talk

So... today I realized that my old theological framework is getting in the way of my weight loss... and since I don't have room for that theological framework in my ministry anymore, it doesn't make sense to function out of it in my personal life... so here's some real talk...
Old framework... grace & compassion = niceness... forgiveness... warm fuzzies
New framework... sometimes grace and compassion is messy and raw... for example, you don't coddle and continue to bail out an addict over and over and over again who is self destructing... you confront them about their addiction and acknowledge the destruction around them and refuse to participate in it anymore...
And... since food is my addiction... it's time I have an intervention... for the past several months I have been lurking in this 10 pound rut and every time I get close to this holy threshold of Onederland, I start back into this binge eating frenzy (justifying it with excuses that its healthy food or that I can start over again tomorrow...)  I keep telling myself it's ok, because that's what "we" tell each other... this proverbial "we" of food junkies... but all that does is keep us stuck where we are...
This brand of grace and compassion doesn't work when it comes to destructive behavior... that's why I'm still right where I was three months ago... because I keep telling myself its ok to have this or that... or "it's just a little bit"... and "I'm really stressed this week"... etc etc etc... IT'S NOT WORKING!
And this weight loss thing isn't about looking good in a swimsuit for me... if it were, maybe that dismissive "grace" would be fine... but weight loss for me... for someone my size is about life and about life lived more fully....
I saw a friend of mine today that I haven't seen in probably a year and she was literally in tears when she saw me... and it wasn't because she wants my body... it's because she loves me and she was celebrating my life being lived more fully!  It was convicting... along side the "Muscle Blast" class she drug me to that totally delivered on it's name, leaving my muscles feeling like jello.  So thank you Sarah Pharr for lovingly participating in my intervention today.
I value the relationships that hold me accountable to my weight loss journey... that call me out when I am tumbling off the wagon head first... and remind me that I am worth it to love myself better than I do... those who will eat healthy with me an work out with me and get excited about healthy choices.
SO... The intervention is in full force...
It's time to get in my own face and stay there.... put down the after dinner Weight Watcher's snacks and the fruit and all the other healthy snacks that defeat their purpose in large quantities.... pop a piece of sugar free gum... and walk away from the kitchen.

Because being morbidly obese is not an acceptable fashion statement... it's not a funny joke to laugh about with one another or a bonding point to perpetuate one another's unhealthy lifestyles by being cohorts in feeding each other's addictions... it's a personal statement of self-worth and self-respect.. and I am tired of communicating that I don't care about myself without having to say a word...

When it comes to weight loss, grace is only effective when it's the exception, not the rule!

Headed back to the gym tomorrow and I'm pumped!