I woke up this morning, before my alarm went off at 5am... but because I hadn't gone to bed until much later than I'd planned last night, I let myself go back to sleep until I woke up a few minutes before my alarm went off at 6am...
I went through my morning ritual and was at the hospital by 7am... Strawberry protein smoothie in tow...
I visited with my friend Kathy for a bit before heading up to the office... she's my weight loss buddy at work... then I went to Cai Cai's Lay Training Committee...
In CPE seminar, I presented Jonah and the Whale for Godly Play and then had an annoying IPR (Interpersonal Relations Seminar)... After lunch, we had a meaningful IPR (part 2) with my colleagues in the privacy of our office... And then, I finally had the first truly meaningful supervision, (sort of like professional therapy, but not... I just don't know how else to explain it in a way that someone outside the CPE world can even fathom) in two units, because I met with both supervisors and was finally actually heard, for the first time... I apparently scared the crap out of a patient by walking into the room and introducing myself as a patient... to an extreme that I had never experienced before... talk about a prescription for a power trip (if I were that sort of chaplain)!
After work I had a fun, invigorating workout... truly... I am pretty sure I danced through half of it, without any regard to those around me... which was made easier by the fact that I wasn't wearing my glasses!
I stopped by Target on the way home and got some kitty litter, toothpaste, and fish... exciting huh?
At Target, I saw a dear friend from ages past in between the seafood and the bread aisle and it was so good to catch up. It's strange how you don't realize how much you've missed someone until you're hugging them after a long separation...
It reminded me of other relationships that I also value deeply that I have been unable to kindle over the past several years, that I miss deeply... and how important it is to me to find a way to re-kindle those relationships now that school no longer swallows me whole.
Speaking of being swallowed whole... that's a pretty reasonable segue into explaining why I changed the name of yesterday's blog...
The "belly of the whale" is a reference to the Godly Play story that I have been engaging the past couple of weeks... Most of the time, we read the story of Jonah and think of being swallowed up by the whale as a bad thing... (or at least I had) but the way that it's resonated with me lately, through Jerome Barryman's creative approach to telling the story, I have recognized the belly of the whale as being God's deliverance... The whale swallows Jonah up while he's sinking in an ocean of despair, after he jumped overboard rather than listen to and speak for God... In the belly of the whale he is alone with the messy goo of his own thoughts echoing in his ears, while the rest of the noise of the world is blocked out... That is exactly where I found myself Tuesday night when the "rescuer" me told the "victim" me... "you're on your own this time!"
I was forced to sit with myself in a cold, dark, emotionally vulnerable space, which forced me to lean on God instead of myself and hear God over my own abusive voice... and trust that God would not let me drown in my own proverbial "suicide attempt"... that God would swallow me up and hold me while I wrestled with myself and spit me back out onto the shore where I needed to be...
Which he did... and today I felt good... I felt motivated... I felt bold enough to be honest in the face of two supervisors, in a way that I knew would result in some painful engagement... which is what I was asking for... because, growth IS what it IS... it's painful and brilliant and necessary... and I am not one to be complacent or content with a static existence...
Then, instead of asking my colleagues to meet me for Happy Hour, I rocked out at the gym... where I encountered a woman I have fostered a pastoral relationship with in the hospital, who acknowledged my weight loss and sought out direction from me, and I was energized by encouraging her with her battle as we exchanged high fives...
Today I felt like I had purged myself of the toxins that were infecting my immune system and I felt physically, emotionally and mentally refreshed and renewed...
I pray I can keep clinging to that and that when I weigh-in again, there will be a tangible reflection of that. Time for bed!
Peace Out!
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