So this afternoon, while sitting in Systems Seminar (based on the work of Edwin Friedman) in CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education), I had a mind-blowing independent study session...
Our first seminar focused on the transition between the "Conformist" and the "Conscientious" layers of ego development in Jane Loevinger's Ego Development theory... and our second seminar sprang out of a discussion of Edwin Friedman's fable, "Raising Cane." Somewhere in there my supervisor was using the imagery of viruses to explain the way that fusion between individuals in a system functions... in that, a virus is a cell that cannot survive in and of itself, and therefore needs another cell to feed on. The virus attaches itself to the other cell and they become fused... the virus consuming the other cell, sucking it dry and then finding another cell to feed on...
So, this got me to thinking about abusive relationships... because that's essentially how an abuser fuses itself to another individual in a way that produces a relationship where the individual becomes so fused to that abuser that they don't know they can live without the abuser, even to the point that they begin to believe that they cannot get out... I remember thinking, "This is never going to end until one of us dies."
Soooo, this got me thinking about how we fight off viruses... our immune system uses antibodies and antioxidants to fight off viruses, but when our immune system is down, our body can't do that effectively... So, using that imagery, if an abuser is a virus, what is our immune system that either recognizes that virus and rejects it, or that gets compromised and can't see that it's being attacked until it's "too late"?
As I thought about that, I became very aware that Paul wasn't the first abusive relationship I was sucked into... or the last... because for years, I have been in a perpetually abusive relationship with myself....
WOW!
That was huge for me... I almost felt like a light bulb actually turned on above my head... and while the rest of my peers and supervisors were engaged in a completely different conversation, I could tell that whatever reaction I had to my new revelation, my supervisor and at least one of my peers could see the light bulb too... I was writing like a crazy person... it was like this crazy flow sheet starting with viruses, moving to abusive relationships... and on to Karpman's drama triangle...
(Bear with me, for a minute, because this all comes together in the end... I swear)
So... in Karpman's drama triangle, there are three roles... the persecutor, the victim, and the rescuer... Each role functions in a way that perpetuates whatever chronic condition is driving the unhealthy relationship that exists in the system... and the roles are perceived differently depending on whose perspective you're viewing the situation through, within the triangle... for me... in my own relationship with Me, Myself and I... I play all three roles...
As the rescuer, I eat to feel good... to alleviate my own suffering, caused by the persecutor within me that convinces myself that I failed...
So, figuring out these two was easy... but I sat with the last one for awhile... how do I understand myself as "victim"?
I realize that I don't always allow myself to play into that cycle - so what is going on when I do allow myself to hear "you're a failure"...
It's the same thing that allows me to hear others in a way that makes me feel victimized... when I am exhausted, worn out, burned out, drained...
So, of course the key to breaking the cycle is elementary knowledge that anyone in the world can tell you... I need to make sure that I'm getting enough sleep, making time for myself, eating healthy food and exercising so that I keep my emotional immune system healthy so that my "rescuer me" stays the heck out of it and forces me to sit in the proverbial "shit pit" of my emotions until I work it out, rather than eating my way to happy!
Which, by the way, is what I did last night... and THAT is encouraging... that without having consciously identified the abusive cycle yet, I navigated a different way of existing with myself... successfully!
SO... this may be super boring for everyone but me... and maybe confusing for anyone who hasn't been seeped in CPE, chewing on systems theory and ego development theories until they've lost all their flavor... but for me it was helpful to process...
So that's that... Goodnight!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle
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