So after reading last night's post, I am very aware of how pitiful and pathetic I sounded... and I wanted to reflect more on where I was, and where I am today...
The people at Medi are really great. And I feel so bad for my weight loss counselor because she tried so hard to encourage me and to explain to me (again, because they have to remind me of this every time I have a water gain) that when the body sheds large amounts of fat at a time it leaves air pockets that fill up with water, and the body holds onto that water until it flushes out too... (yada yada yada)... but that really doesn't compute when I feel like a failure...
I know that I don't handle "failure" well... because I'm not used to it... as arrogant as that sounds. But there has rarely been something that I have put my mind to that I was unable to accomplish.
Excluding history and physics, I have never gotten a bad grade on an assignment or test when I actually applied myself or studied (and I admit, I didn't always apply myself completely because I did well without having to)...
I was voted into leadership positions in my state youth group my junior and senior years of high school, my senior year serving as the President...
I got into all of the schools I applied to with significant scholarships to each...
I have never been turned down for a job that I interviewed for...
I have graduated three times now and am planning an ordination into ministry that required an intense approval process...
But there have been two things in life that I have been "unsuccessful" at... being "good enough" to change my ex, and maintaining a healthy weight... Of course, both of these perceived failures where just that... skewed perceptions... because I haven't always been fat (even though I always thought I was) and I was always way too good for him to begin with - and that's real talk not hatefulness or snideness! I know that this week's weigh-in is no different than those two perceived failures, but in the middle of the emotions it's hard to compute that in a way that is real... and nothing that anyone can say can change that...
I feel so bad for my Grammy, Cedric and Lisa at Medi... because all three of them tried so hard to encourage me and support me... but I was inconsolable... I almost had to pull over on the way home because I was crying so hard I could hardly breathe and I couldn't see through the tears. It was a rough day, I'm not gonna lie... and I watched The Biggest Loser hoping that Don (or Dan - whichever one stayed on the ranch) would have a big loss after his 9 lb gain last week... but they didn't show the weigh-in because of the State of the Union Address... which I'm not complaining, but I could have used some inspiration last night!
Anyway, despite my feelings of failure and defeat, I stayed the course... I maintained my rituals and preparations to set myself up for success... I cooked some chicken breasts that I'd marinated in fajita seasoning and weighed out my portions and made my meals for the week. I packed my gym bag and went to bed early so that I could wake up at 5am to be at the gym at 5:30 when it opened - and actually followed through. I got my morning workout in and I feel good... I made a protein and strawberry smoothie for breakfast and had a helping of scrambled eggs. I had my chicken fajita for lunch and I'm drinking my water... I'm cooking Turkey bratwurst sauteed with apple and onions for Jake (my brother) and I tonight... and I'm putting yesterday behind me... but if I weigh-in next week, and have another week like this week... they're going to have to scrape me off the floor because I can't handle another disappointment. I'm just saying!
PS... On my scale at home I weighed 7 lbs lighter this morning than I did on the same scale last night before I went to bed... (which really just makes me mad, more than anything). If my weight can fluctuate that drastically in less than a 10 hr period, how can I have any sense of reality?
Anyway, peace out!
I've always heard you should weight yourself in the morning after you've used the restroom. Weighing yourself at night hasn't allowed what you've taken in as far as goes to have run the process of working its way through your digestive system. I've heard weigh yourself at the same time each morning and go with that weight as a base. I don't know but I find it to be more accurate.
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