Confessions of a Grieving Pastor

Blogging has been on my mind a lot lately... because I am acutely aware that it is yet another thing in my world that I feel I am failing at lately... and ultimately it ties into the running theme of this season in my life... While those of us who are Christians just celebrated Easter yesterday, and the resurrection and promise of new life that it means to us, I find myself still stuck in Holy Saturday... stuck in grief and sadness and a heaviness that won't lift.
Now, I know this blog has been set up as primarily a blog of my weight loss journey, but the reality is, it's called "Uncovering Me: Shedding my Hide" and there is a whole lot more involved in the vulnerability and humility that requires than specifically weight loss related exploration, and of course, what I know about my journey is that, directly or indirectly, because of the nature of addictions, regardless of the substance of choice, there is nothing that isn't tied to my weight and my relationship with myself, and with my substance of choice.
A few weeks ago, my parents came to visit us in Fort Worth and on the last day, while we were at lunch, Mom shared with me that she could see the absence of peace within me.  She was right.  I am living in turmoil and anxiety and fear and shame and... ultimately grief. 
Part of my Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) Residency involves having weekly "Individual Supervision" for one hour with just me and my supervisor, as well as a weekly "Interpersonal Relations" seminary with the rest of my CPE peers and our supervisors.  The past couple of weeks have been difficult as I have poured myself out and allowed myself to be vulnerable in these places, but apparently not vulnerable enough, because my shame and my pride prevent me from being completely exposed... and ultimately that deadly pair are my worst enemy. 
In IPR one of my peers called me a spoiled brat... that was tough to hear!  I just said thank you when she was finished yelling at me... and then continued to figure out what it meant throughout the rest of the day... I didn't cry... I kept a face solid as stone... but of course, that can't last forever... and the tears that came later that day poured out like a fountain flooding over...  Somewhere in there, after the berading and before the flood, I received an email through facebook in response to a posting I had made on a FB group called "Sisters of the Cloth" where I asked for prayers in my search for a ministry position.  The email was from a woman who had been a Peace Intern at my church camp my senior year of high school, when I was president of the state youth group.  She just wanted to let me know that she remembered me and my leadership fondly... It was humbling and affirming, but frustrating at the same time... because I know I'm a good leader... I know I'm a good minister... but somehow that doesn't matter... it's not good enough! 
Later that day I asked my supervisor for some supervision time and he got in my face too... He has been beating his head against a wall the past weeks trying to open my eyes and help me out... He has repeatedly challenged me to acknowledge that something is dying... and I am not going to be able to move forward until I honor what is dying and allow myself to grieve... only I can't for the life of me figure out what it is that's dying.  He has hinted that it might have something to do with my dysfunctional set of standards for myself that are ultimately crippling me... this idea that my success is measured by a timeline of my accomplishments (or lack thereof) and the reality that life hasn't played out the way I imagined... not that it ever does for anyone... and I guess that does make me a "spoiled brat" to think that I would be different or special... but as my future charges at me like a fast-moving train, with my current residency position coming to a jolting halt in September... and, as much as I'm ashamed to admit that I care, the fact that my 30th birthday is creeping up... I guess maybe I'm grieving that I'm not where I'd hoped I would be... and that due to my own human limitations... I have no earthly clue what my future holds... my desires and passions are on hold and there's nothing I can do... and I'm searching for peace... and I feel sometimes as though I have found it... and I can feel myself just allowing myself to be in the present and not worry about the future... I find myself laughing with loved ones, singing in the car at the top of my lungs with the windows down and the wind blowing in my hair... but ultimately I keep coming back to this dark place where I feel alone and ashamed and trapped, suffocated and paralyzed by my own lack of faith and I wonder, how in the world can I be a spiritual leader with such a fleeting faith?  How can I expect the patients, families and staff in my hospital to feel safe with me when they are exposed and vulnerable if I can't allow myself to do the same with the people who love me and know me... The problem is, that in order to be fully loved... we have to be fully known, otherwise we're only loved as much as we're known... and in order to be fully known... we have to be transparent and vulnerable... and that requires putting away shame and pride in order to be real with people... Shame and pride can lead to deep loneliness... surrounded by people who want to love you... but can't unless you let them in.
So in the spirit of "uncovering myself" and "shedding my hide" I am trying to challenge myself to be more humble and transparent and less driven by shame and pride...
I am grieving... so I hope that you can be patient with me... I'm not asking to be coddled... In fact, call me out if you feel I need it... just don't give up on me... I promise I am trying...

Feel Good Friday

Wow! I seriously am the worst blogger of the century... I keep telling myself that I will do better and then realize that I am just getting worse!  I know that part of my absence in the blogging world has been a manifestation of my absence from the world in general lately... the past several weeks I have been battling a great deal of anxiety... as I alluded to in my last blog, but didn't really explore in great deal with you... but I am going through a challenging time right now... since I have been ordained I guess I have been aiming for the next mark... you know once you reach the bar, you set the bar higher and reach that bar... and it's always been something... from graduating high school, to graduating college, to graduating seminary, to ordination... now it's getting a full-time job as a staff chaplain and working towards Board Certification... and those are just my own personal goals... there are also the goals that Cedric and I are working on together for us and for our future family... Over the past several weeks it has been more real how scarce the job market is for chaplain positions... not only in the DFW area, but really all over the states... I know people that have been searching for a year and still been unable to find something and that is scary... Since I entered the work force, I have never been without a job, and even more than that... I've never been without a job that offers full benefits.  To think that I may be slinging coffee again just to get benefits after 11 years of school, a B.A. and a Masters really blows my mind.  (Not that there is anything wrong with working for Starbucks... because I did love it and I am sure I would enjoy it again for a while... but that is not what I invested my time and money in an education to do eleven years later...) So... without completing unloading the entirety of my anxieties on you, I think it's pretty clear where my anxiety comes from... and one of my responses to that has been to retreat into myself.  To spend more time alone doing mindless things and throw myself into my work when I'm at work.  My peers at work have been an excellent support group as well as seeking some outside help... and I do think that I am functioning at a more normal level... but I know that the train coming at me cannot be stopped, and I don't know yet what that train is carrying.   
Despite my anxieties and stresses, instead of throwing myself into food (especially with as much time as I spend home alone during these low times), I have been throwing myself into my new Weight Watchers Points Plus plan and learning as much as I can about how to make it work for me, and I am pleased to report that I weighed in again this week at Weight Watchers and I lost another 2.4 pounds... so now I have officially lost a total of 58.2 since the beginning of this journey that began back on the 5th of October at Medi Weight Loss!  That is almost 60 lbs in 6 months... I am really glad that it's starting to come off more easily again... and I am back in that 2-3 lbs a week range.  I really think that the change in food options and incorporating new foods back into my diet has been a tremendous factor in getting back on track.
Some of my new treats that were pretty much off limits before and now some are even considered *power foods

*Banana with Chocolate PB2
*Baked potato
English muffin with PB2
Smart Pop Popcorn in the 100 calorie bags

Triscuits with Laughing Cow cheese wedges
*SALADS loaded with veggies!
Weight Watchers ice cream bars... there's a toffee crunch one and a snickers one that are AWESOME!
Whole Wheat Pasta (in moderation)

It's so nice to not be limited by what I CAN or CAN'T have but what I CHOOSE instead... (Yes Mom, you can totally say "I told you so!")  Like last night I got to have enchiladas at Tres Jose's because I had the points and I chose not to get a margarita so that I didn't eat into my weekly points.
I am still excited about the transition... It doesn't hurt that I fit into a smokin' hot dress last night that I bought for Ordination but didn't feel comfortable wearing yet... and I don't mean to toot my own horn... but I was smokin'!  And it felt good... It felt good to feel good about myself... to play dress up and not feel like I was trying to hide behind glitter and glam but instead be accentuating my natural beauty and not hiding.
It's been a long and winding road with hills and valleys and I know it's never going to end... but at least now I am rolling down the windows... letting my hair down and soaking up the sun... singing at the top of my lungs...
I really think it's helping bring me out of this funk I've been in too!  I hope I can lean into those moments more and not let myself sink into the other moments for quite so long, but still honoring all the emotions that are real and valid and part of my journey.  I think another thing that has been helpful has been good friendships that are supportive and life giving... and spending time with people who are life giving... those that are tried and true and those that are somewhat new! 
Peace Out for now!

Wake Up Wednesday

So I went to Medi yesterday to get what I thought would be my last mid-week injection and to "break up" with them, and I was very sad about it!  Medi has transformed me and the women there have been so supportive and encouraging along the way.  I have experienced not only a physical transformation but emotional and mental transformation as well and I think that while I have been playing with the idea of transitioning to Weight Watchers, I was resistant because I was battling anticipatory grief and I felt like i wasn't being faithful... But as I should have known, the women there were so incredibly wonderful.  They totally understood what I needed and why I need a change and agreed that it would be a healthy change right now and it affirmed for me that not only do I know my body and can I trust myself to know what its telling me, but also it affirmed how invested they really are in me and in my weight loss journey.  So, we talked about the "Wellness Phase" which is generally for people who have reached their goal and are ready for maintenance... of which I have not and am not... but they are still going to allow me to transition into that phase, which means I can still come in once a week for my shots, and once a month for my weigh-ins and vitals... and instead of costing me $80 a week, it will only cost $35 a month.  So between this, in tandem with my transition onto the Weight Watchers plan and my weekly meetings/weigh-ins there, I really believe that I will be taking this journey to the next level.  I got myself back to the gym yesterday... and rode my bicycle there and around the neighborhood also... I feel better and I am getting OCD about planning and tracking my meals.
This morning I had a Whole Grain English Muffin with one serving of PB2 and a dash of honey, and a Strawberry Banana Protein Smoothie, for a total of 7 points. It was so delicious, so filling and so satisfying! I feel like a new person today. 
Last night I had 4 oz Barilla Plus pasta and 6 oz of shrimp for dinner for a total of 15 points but it was totally worth it!  I have so missed pasta!
The best part is... I saw a number on the scale this morning that I have never seen... or at least not in the past 5 years.  So I know this is already a good thing!
The most interesting piece of this is how much I have noticed a difference in my level of anxiety... I recognize that I have made a few life changes that are probably affecting that... I do believe that this is refreshing me and giving me some new life and some peace.  I think I finally feel like I have control over my body again instead of it controlling me, so I am celebrating that today!  I have felt a little like a zombie the past several weeks and today, I really feel awake and it feels good...

Change Is Good

So, it's been a while since I posted... and I know I haven't been very regular about it... it's just another one of those things in my life, sort of like everything else right now, that I feel like I am doing a half-a**ed job at!  And seeing as how stress and anxiety are definitely triggers for me when it comes to eating... I am amazed that I haven't blown up like a balloon... I am happy to report, though, that I have continued to lose... not very rapidly of course but last week I lost another 2 lbs and total I have lost 56.2 pounds as of last Fri... which feels really good. 
I did however make a pretty difficult decision this weekend... A few weeks ago I joined Weight Watchers at Work, but I didn't commit to it... basically I was cheating on Medi with WW meetings and not committing to either plan very well... but Friday sort of sealed the deal for me.  I have been craving foods lately that I cannot have... not just bad food... but good food too... I want to eat more fruits and veggies.  I want to have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast or a piece of toast.  And I am the type of person who likes control, who likes to be independent and self-directing and when I feel like I am being told no... I rebel... so Friday... I went out with some of my minister women friends to my favorite restaurant, Gloria's, and got my favorite dish, the Pollo con Champiniones... and I ate the whole dang thing plus a margarita swirl... I know, disgusting right!  But once upon a time, I would eat that and not think twice about it... but OH MY GOD!  Apparently my stomach has shrunk DRASTICALLY since then, because I have never been in so much pain... I am pretty sure I will never eat that dish again because by the time I got over to my brother's house where my family was, I was ready to either throw up or slice my guts open I was in so much pain. 
Luckily, Mom and Dad were in town this weekend and they do Weight Watchers and have been encouraging me to make the switch from the beginning and I realized that at this point in time, it really is probably the best way for me to keep going, because now I can have those things that I want, and I am learning a lifestyle instead of dieting... I will forever be grateful for Medi and how far I was able to go, and for what I did learn on that program, but I needed a little more freedom in my life right now...
So much of the rest of my world is just so chaotic and limiting... I literally feel stuck and walk around with a huge ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach and my muscles are so stiff... I am grasping for ways that I can get some control.  So, I switched over to Weight Watchers, I spent a bunch of time on the e-tools yesterday planning out some simple meals for the first week and cooking and portioning.  I had popcorn yesterday and it was delicious!  I had a baked potato for lunch today and it's a "power food"... such a switch from it being completely off-limits before.  I am looking forward to cooking new things and enjoying more diverse foods... foods that are healthy that have been off-limits since October.
I really think that this will be a good change... and a change that will give me some grasp on something right now when I feel like I am loosing my footing.  I think that I am seeking changes on such a huge scale right now, that being able to make changes in small ways is bringing me some anxiety relief... from changing my diet plan to painting my fingernails a new color every day, I am trying to live in the present when I am yearning for the future.  I am so grateful for my family, for Cedric and for my friends who are keeping me sane, right now - I don't know what I would do without them. 
I am excited about starting WW because I have a much larger support system who are already doing Weight Watchers, because I do Weight Watchers at work and my friend Kathy has already been very successful with it, Mom and Dad have been very successful with it... and the best part is... it's free... or at least the meetings are.  So... here comes a new chapter in my Weight Loss Journey Book.  I look forward to discovering new recipes and posting those... and telling you about my new adventures on my bicycle that Jake and Ashley got me... I'm not gonna lie... it's pretty cute.  I will post a picture of me on it soon!
Anyway,  maybe all this change will get me re-motivated with my blogging... hopefully so!