I watched Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition and Jacqui was crying b she had to look at herself and it made me face it... It was time to get on the scale.
So I got on the scale today and immediately felt nauseous. I'm recommitted. My body has been telling me that I need to pay attention. I have cankles for the first time in my life and they hurt so bad when I walk. I'm never hungry and food doesn't even taste good anymore but I keep eating. I'm so done. It starts right now!
30 June 2012
06 November 2011
Thanksgivings
The past several days have been wonderfully relaxing... I have been "unemployed" for 3 days... tomorrow will make 4... before I start my new job on Tuesday. I am very excited and still somewhat anxious... it's like a part of me doesn't believe it's real until I get there... but I have been trying to just relax and enjoy a few days of doing whatever I want... even if that is nothing... and I did a lot of that... But yesterday I got out and rode my bicycle which felt great. Today I got in the gym and pushed myself on the treadmill... doing sprints faster than I've done before... and It felt amazing that I could do it... I just need to work through my fear of jumping on and off the sides onto a fast moving treadmill so that I can go a little faster. I just push the button to speed up and slow down while i run which isn't extremely effective. I'll get there though.... Anyway, to catch up on the things I'm thankful for...
Friday, 4 November - Spending time with my old friend Sarah (Meadows) Perez... it had been too long and it felt so good to hang out like old times.
Today I'm thankful for my the worship service at my church... today's service exemplified the reasons why I chose to make FW1st my home.
Looking forward to my first week at my new job! Hope you all have a wonderful week too!
Thursday, 3 November - The wonderful people at United Way of Tarrant County, the blessing of having the opportunity to work with them during the campaign this year, and for Happy Hour fellowship with them to celebrate Cory's and my entrance into the 9-5 world of stability and consistency.
(an old pic but a good one)
Saturday, 5 November - For my amazing family that continues to grow...
Today I'm thankful for my the worship service at my church... today's service exemplified the reasons why I chose to make FW1st my home.Looking forward to my first week at my new job! Hope you all have a wonderful week too!
02 November 2011
Successes, Opportunties for Growth and Thanksgivings
Today was an overall successful day. I finished the day with 6 Pts+ points left. I resisted a second chicken enchilada at lunch (which were really good), I resisted pizza and candy and pumpkin pie at the office, I enjoyed sushi/sashimi with a friend for a healthy dinner, and I feel good.
Like any day... there were Opportunities for growth... like the fact that I didn't make it to the gym... I could give you an excuse, but the reality is that I was resistant and just didn't want to go...
But, today I am thankful for grace... because in between the successes and the opportunities for growth is a new-found grace that has taught me that I haven't failed.
Like any day... there were Opportunities for growth... like the fact that I didn't make it to the gym... I could give you an excuse, but the reality is that I was resistant and just didn't want to go...
But, today I am thankful for grace... because in between the successes and the opportunities for growth is a new-found grace that has taught me that I haven't failed.
01 November 2011
11-1-11
On this day of "1's"... Being 11-1-11... I found myself at Day 1 all over again... and it went great!
I came in 5 Pts+ points less than goal and I feel fulfilled.
I also returned to another key ritual in my weight loss success... watching the Biggest Loser... I am three weeks behind but I have them all on my DVR so I started playing catch up tonight... starting with the one where Hannah returns... which was just the inspiration I needed... Thanks Hannah!
In the spirit of the 11th month of the year... the month of my birth as well as the month of Thanksgiving... I will try to post about something I am thankful for every day...
Today I am thankful for hope.
I came in 5 Pts+ points less than goal and I feel fulfilled.
I also returned to another key ritual in my weight loss success... watching the Biggest Loser... I am three weeks behind but I have them all on my DVR so I started playing catch up tonight... starting with the one where Hannah returns... which was just the inspiration I needed... Thanks Hannah!
In the spirit of the 11th month of the year... the month of my birth as well as the month of Thanksgiving... I will try to post about something I am thankful for every day...
Today I am thankful for hope.
Self-Definition
So... for the sake of stating the obvious... It has been a long time since I've posted... Alot has happened since I last wrote and my body feels it. Several months ago... I had an interview in Cleveland, Ohio with a highly regarded hospital for a position as a full-time chaplain. Needless to say, that interview process left much to be desired... not including the fact that I was not offered the position, because after that process, I was certain it was not a good fit for me...
That experience, however, set into motion a downward spiral of emotional, physical and mental destructiveness as I allowed the feedback of one individual to steal my own authority, self-definition and ultimately my power. One of my biggest regrets that resulted from that interview, and there are many, is that I discontinued my blog... believing that somehow it was crippling me on the job front. Looking back, I realize that the feedback I recieved from that individual revealed more about her than it did about me, but the way I reacted to it (instead of responding) revealed some significant areas of opportunity in my growth, and was worth processing and reflecting on.
The past several months have encompassed a great deal of heart-ache, stress, despair, hope, transition, healing, future planning, relationship cut-offs and re-building... however painful it may feel, and ultimately... self-definition. I have been reflecting on, and processing who I am, what I want and what I need.... re-defining what it means to be me... and be me most fully.
This is a difficult and painful process... not only for me, but also for those in relationship with me as I begin to re-claim what i need in those relationships in ways that feel like me pushing away, distancing or even cutting-off... but ultimately I believe that it is a life-giving process for me, for those I am in relationship with and for the relationships themselves... I have experienced newness and blossoming in my relationships as they take shape in new ways...
So of course... all of that is well and good... but the most important relationship for any of us, is the one we have with ourself, because this relationship is the one that determines the health and vitality of all other relationships we maintain. And so the time has come for me to recommit myself to me... to revive my relationship with myself... to listen to my inner being and start tending to my own needs with a more intentional and disciplined focus...
When I listen to myself, I hear my body telling me, it's time to pay attention to it... I have gained some weight back... enough that I feel uncomfortable in my own skin again... and I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to allow myself to gain the weight back after I lost it...
So... I renewed my subscription to Weight Watchers Online today and I started tracking again... I already have a membership to 24 Hr fitness, so there's no excuse not to be active...
I start my new job next week and the office (not that I will ever really be in the office) is literally across the street from one of the gyms I go to... so... It's on!
And in the spirit of that recommital... I recommit myself to my blog as well... this blog has been one of the keys to my success, not only because it holds me accountable, but because it is a way for me to share myself and my story with others who are going through the same struggles... not neccessarily only weight struggles, but the battles with our inner selves that cause us to live in less than life-giving ways. When sharing my story results in other people sharing their stories with me as well, I feel that sense of community and trust that builds mutality and support. That is why I blog... it is a positive, life-giving form of self-care... one of multiple forms of self-care that I practice... but one that I have found to meet my needs... and I will not make apologies for it.
That experience, however, set into motion a downward spiral of emotional, physical and mental destructiveness as I allowed the feedback of one individual to steal my own authority, self-definition and ultimately my power. One of my biggest regrets that resulted from that interview, and there are many, is that I discontinued my blog... believing that somehow it was crippling me on the job front. Looking back, I realize that the feedback I recieved from that individual revealed more about her than it did about me, but the way I reacted to it (instead of responding) revealed some significant areas of opportunity in my growth, and was worth processing and reflecting on.
The past several months have encompassed a great deal of heart-ache, stress, despair, hope, transition, healing, future planning, relationship cut-offs and re-building... however painful it may feel, and ultimately... self-definition. I have been reflecting on, and processing who I am, what I want and what I need.... re-defining what it means to be me... and be me most fully.
This is a difficult and painful process... not only for me, but also for those in relationship with me as I begin to re-claim what i need in those relationships in ways that feel like me pushing away, distancing or even cutting-off... but ultimately I believe that it is a life-giving process for me, for those I am in relationship with and for the relationships themselves... I have experienced newness and blossoming in my relationships as they take shape in new ways...
So of course... all of that is well and good... but the most important relationship for any of us, is the one we have with ourself, because this relationship is the one that determines the health and vitality of all other relationships we maintain. And so the time has come for me to recommit myself to me... to revive my relationship with myself... to listen to my inner being and start tending to my own needs with a more intentional and disciplined focus...
When I listen to myself, I hear my body telling me, it's time to pay attention to it... I have gained some weight back... enough that I feel uncomfortable in my own skin again... and I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to allow myself to gain the weight back after I lost it...
So... I renewed my subscription to Weight Watchers Online today and I started tracking again... I already have a membership to 24 Hr fitness, so there's no excuse not to be active...
I start my new job next week and the office (not that I will ever really be in the office) is literally across the street from one of the gyms I go to... so... It's on!
And in the spirit of that recommital... I recommit myself to my blog as well... this blog has been one of the keys to my success, not only because it holds me accountable, but because it is a way for me to share myself and my story with others who are going through the same struggles... not neccessarily only weight struggles, but the battles with our inner selves that cause us to live in less than life-giving ways. When sharing my story results in other people sharing their stories with me as well, I feel that sense of community and trust that builds mutality and support. That is why I blog... it is a positive, life-giving form of self-care... one of multiple forms of self-care that I practice... but one that I have found to meet my needs... and I will not make apologies for it.
16 June 2011
Real Talk
So... today I realized that my old theological framework is getting in the way of my weight loss... and since I don't have room for that theological framework in my ministry anymore, it doesn't make sense to function out of it in my personal life... so here's some real talk...
Old framework... grace & compassion = niceness... forgiveness... warm fuzzies
New framework... sometimes grace and compassion is messy and raw... for example, you don't coddle and continue to bail out an addict over and over and over again who is self destructing... you confront them about their addiction and acknowledge the destruction around them and refuse to participate in it anymore...
And... since food is my addiction... it's time I have an intervention... for the past several months I have been lurking in this 10 pound rut and every time I get close to this holy threshold of Onederland, I start back into this binge eating frenzy (justifying it with excuses that its healthy food or that I can start over again tomorrow...) I keep telling myself it's ok, because that's what "we" tell each other... this proverbial "we" of food junkies... but all that does is keep us stuck where we are...
This brand of grace and compassion doesn't work when it comes to destructive behavior... that's why I'm still right where I was three months ago... because I keep telling myself its ok to have this or that... or "it's just a little bit"... and "I'm really stressed this week"... etc etc etc... IT'S NOT WORKING!
And this weight loss thing isn't about looking good in a swimsuit for me... if it were, maybe that dismissive "grace" would be fine... but weight loss for me... for someone my size is about life and about life lived more fully....
I saw a friend of mine today that I haven't seen in probably a year and she was literally in tears when she saw me... and it wasn't because she wants my body... it's because she loves me and she was celebrating my life being lived more fully! It was convicting... along side the "Muscle Blast" class she drug me to that totally delivered on it's name, leaving my muscles feeling like jello. So thank you Sarah Pharr for lovingly participating in my intervention today.
I value the relationships that hold me accountable to my weight loss journey... that call me out when I am tumbling off the wagon head first... and remind me that I am worth it to love myself better than I do... those who will eat healthy with me an work out with me and get excited about healthy choices.
SO... The intervention is in full force...
It's time to get in my own face and stay there.... put down the after dinner Weight Watcher's snacks and the fruit and all the other healthy snacks that defeat their purpose in large quantities.... pop a piece of sugar free gum... and walk away from the kitchen.
Because being morbidly obese is not an acceptable fashion statement... it's not a funny joke to laugh about with one another or a bonding point to perpetuate one another's unhealthy lifestyles by being cohorts in feeding each other's addictions... it's a personal statement of self-worth and self-respect.. and I am tired of communicating that I don't care about myself without having to say a word...
When it comes to weight loss, grace is only effective when it's the exception, not the rule!
Headed back to the gym tomorrow and I'm pumped!
Old framework... grace & compassion = niceness... forgiveness... warm fuzzies
New framework... sometimes grace and compassion is messy and raw... for example, you don't coddle and continue to bail out an addict over and over and over again who is self destructing... you confront them about their addiction and acknowledge the destruction around them and refuse to participate in it anymore...
And... since food is my addiction... it's time I have an intervention... for the past several months I have been lurking in this 10 pound rut and every time I get close to this holy threshold of Onederland, I start back into this binge eating frenzy (justifying it with excuses that its healthy food or that I can start over again tomorrow...) I keep telling myself it's ok, because that's what "we" tell each other... this proverbial "we" of food junkies... but all that does is keep us stuck where we are...
This brand of grace and compassion doesn't work when it comes to destructive behavior... that's why I'm still right where I was three months ago... because I keep telling myself its ok to have this or that... or "it's just a little bit"... and "I'm really stressed this week"... etc etc etc... IT'S NOT WORKING!
And this weight loss thing isn't about looking good in a swimsuit for me... if it were, maybe that dismissive "grace" would be fine... but weight loss for me... for someone my size is about life and about life lived more fully....
I saw a friend of mine today that I haven't seen in probably a year and she was literally in tears when she saw me... and it wasn't because she wants my body... it's because she loves me and she was celebrating my life being lived more fully! It was convicting... along side the "Muscle Blast" class she drug me to that totally delivered on it's name, leaving my muscles feeling like jello. So thank you Sarah Pharr for lovingly participating in my intervention today.
I value the relationships that hold me accountable to my weight loss journey... that call me out when I am tumbling off the wagon head first... and remind me that I am worth it to love myself better than I do... those who will eat healthy with me an work out with me and get excited about healthy choices.
SO... The intervention is in full force...
It's time to get in my own face and stay there.... put down the after dinner Weight Watcher's snacks and the fruit and all the other healthy snacks that defeat their purpose in large quantities.... pop a piece of sugar free gum... and walk away from the kitchen.
Because being morbidly obese is not an acceptable fashion statement... it's not a funny joke to laugh about with one another or a bonding point to perpetuate one another's unhealthy lifestyles by being cohorts in feeding each other's addictions... it's a personal statement of self-worth and self-respect.. and I am tired of communicating that I don't care about myself without having to say a word...
When it comes to weight loss, grace is only effective when it's the exception, not the rule!
Headed back to the gym tomorrow and I'm pumped!
03 June 2011
R&R
Well, it's the last day of my vacation and it has truly been refreshing. I have spent my days hanging out with Reece and my evenings giggling and laughing with Jen. Baby's and laughter are certainly therapeutic. I've also been staying active. Saturday, Sunday and Monday I took at least 30 minute walks... then Tuesday I decided to earn my WW 5k charm... so I walked 3.1 miles... Wednesday I walked 3.3 mi... Thursday I walked 3.5 mi... and today I walked 4.25 mi.
It's been fun pushing myself each day. I am looking forward to getting on my bike again when I get back home... and back in the gym. If I can keep this up I will have no problems reaching my goal before my interview and I believe that breaking into Onederland will be breaking through this wall that has me stuck. I know that the weight will not come off as fast as it did in the beginning, but I believe that I will be able to get out of this 10 lb yo-yo and start losing consistently again.
I am so grateful for the opportunity to take a vacation! It came at just the right time! YAY for PTO... I haven't even checked my work email! :)
It's been fun pushing myself each day. I am looking forward to getting on my bike again when I get back home... and back in the gym. If I can keep this up I will have no problems reaching my goal before my interview and I believe that breaking into Onederland will be breaking through this wall that has me stuck. I know that the weight will not come off as fast as it did in the beginning, but I believe that I will be able to get out of this 10 lb yo-yo and start losing consistently again.
I am so grateful for the opportunity to take a vacation! It came at just the right time! YAY for PTO... I haven't even checked my work email! :)
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