Staying the Course

These are my "Before" and "After losing 40 pounds" pictures that I got from Medi.  I was really supposed to take one after 30 and just kept putting it off... so I guess my "-50" won't really be all that different, but hopefully it will be soon.  I hit a significant goal this week (according to my scale at home) and so I have a feeling that Friday will not be near the disappointment that the past three weeks were.  I'm looking forward to weighing in this week... how deluded is that?

I've enjoyed really good food this week, all of which was healthy... shrimp, salmon, extra lean ground turkey, "portabello pizza," and today I made an awesome pizza... 

High Fiber, Carb Smart whole wheat tortilla (50 cal; 4 net carbs; 5g protein)

pizza sauce made with extra sauteed garlic and habanero 

sauteed onion, garlic, baby bell mushrooms and poblano peppers

1 oz extra lean ground turkey

skim shredded mozzarella cheese

...tonight it's spicy chicken soup from chicken breast, onion, poblano pepper, broth and seasonings... I hope it's good!

All that aside, I guess it's a good thing I already switched my weigh-in days to Fridays because I'm pretty sure Medi is closed today, like half of north Texas... I have to admit, the roads really are bad... and they were worse this afternoon on the way home than they were early early when I went to let Lillie out and go back to work... so I hope that everyone is being careful, staying warm, and enjoying the snow/ice day!

So fresh and so clean

I woke up this morning, before my alarm went off at 5am... but because I hadn't gone to bed until much later than I'd planned last night, I let myself go back to sleep until I woke up a few minutes before my alarm went off at 6am...
I went through my morning ritual and was at the hospital by 7am... Strawberry protein smoothie in tow...
I visited with my friend Kathy for a bit before heading up to the office... she's my weight loss buddy at work... then I went to Cai Cai's Lay Training Committee...
In CPE seminar, I presented Jonah and the Whale for Godly Play and then had an annoying IPR (Interpersonal Relations Seminar)... After lunch, we had a meaningful IPR (part 2) with my colleagues in the privacy of our office... And then, I finally had the first truly meaningful supervision, (sort of like professional therapy, but not... I just don't know how else to explain it in a way that someone outside the CPE world can even fathom) in two units, because I met with both supervisors and was finally actually heard, for the first time... I apparently scared the crap out of a patient by walking into the room and introducing myself as a patient... to an extreme that I had never experienced before... talk about a prescription for a power trip (if I were that sort of chaplain)!
After work I had a fun, invigorating workout... truly... I am pretty sure I danced through half of it, without any regard to those around me... which was made easier by the fact that I wasn't wearing my glasses!
I stopped by Target on the way home and got some kitty litter, toothpaste, and fish... exciting huh?
At Target, I saw a dear friend from ages past in between the seafood and the bread aisle and it was so good to catch up. It's strange how you don't realize how much you've missed someone until you're hugging them after a long separation...
It reminded me of other relationships that I also value deeply that I have been unable to kindle over the past several years, that I miss deeply... and how important it is to me to find a way to re-kindle those relationships now that school no longer swallows me whole.
Speaking of being swallowed whole... that's a pretty reasonable segue into explaining why I changed the name of yesterday's blog...
The "belly of the whale" is a reference to the Godly Play story that I have been engaging the past couple of weeks... Most of the time, we read the story of Jonah and think of being swallowed up by the whale as a bad thing... (or at least I had) but the way that it's resonated with me lately, through Jerome Barryman's creative approach to telling the story, I have recognized the belly of the whale as being God's deliverance... The whale swallows Jonah up while he's sinking in an ocean of despair, after he jumped overboard rather than listen to and speak for God... In the belly of the whale he is alone with the messy goo of his own thoughts echoing in his ears, while the rest of the noise of the world is blocked out... That is exactly where I found myself Tuesday night when the "rescuer" me told the "victim" me... "you're on your own this time!"
I was forced to sit with myself in a cold, dark, emotionally vulnerable space, which forced me to lean on God instead of myself and hear God over my own abusive voice... and trust that God would not let me drown in my own proverbial "suicide attempt"... that God would swallow me up and hold me while I wrestled with myself and spit me back out onto the shore where I needed to be...
Which he did... and today I felt good... I felt motivated... I felt bold enough to be honest in the face of two supervisors, in a way that I knew would result in some painful engagement... which is what I was asking for... because, growth IS what it IS... it's painful and brilliant and necessary... and I am not one to be complacent or content with a static existence...
Then, instead of asking my colleagues to meet me for Happy Hour, I rocked out at the gym... where I encountered a woman I have fostered a pastoral relationship with in the hospital, who acknowledged my weight loss and sought out direction from me, and I was energized by encouraging her with her battle as we exchanged high fives...
Today I felt like I had purged myself of the toxins that were infecting my immune system and I felt physically, emotionally and mentally refreshed and renewed...
I pray I can keep clinging to that and that when I weigh-in again, there will be a tangible reflection of that. Time for bed!
Peace Out!

Revelations from the Belly of the Whale

So this afternoon, while sitting in Systems Seminar (based on the work of Edwin Friedman) in CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education), I had a mind-blowing independent study session...
Our first seminar focused on the transition between the "Conformist" and the "Conscientious" layers of ego development in Jane Loevinger's Ego Development theory... and our second seminar sprang out of a discussion of Edwin Friedman's fable, "Raising Cane."  Somewhere in there my supervisor was using the imagery of viruses to explain the way that fusion between individuals in a  system functions... in that, a virus is a cell that cannot survive in and of itself, and therefore needs another cell to feed on.  The virus attaches itself to the other cell and they become fused... the virus consuming the other cell, sucking it dry and then finding another cell to feed on...
So, this got me to thinking about abusive relationships... because that's essentially how an abuser fuses itself to another individual in a way that produces a relationship where the individual becomes so fused to that abuser that they don't know they can live without the abuser, even to the point that they begin to believe that they cannot get out... I remember thinking, "This is never going to end until one of us dies."
Soooo, this got me thinking about how we fight off viruses... our immune system uses antibodies and antioxidants to fight off viruses, but when our immune system is down, our body can't do that effectively... So, using that imagery, if an abuser is a virus, what is our immune system that either recognizes that virus and rejects it, or that gets compromised and can't see that it's being attacked until it's "too late"?
As I thought about that, I became very aware that Paul wasn't the first abusive relationship I was sucked into... or the last... because for years, I have been in a perpetually abusive relationship with myself....
WOW!
That was huge for me... I almost felt like a light bulb actually turned on above my head... and while the rest of my peers and supervisors were engaged in a completely different conversation, I could tell that whatever reaction I had to my new revelation, my supervisor and at least one of my peers could see the light bulb too... I was writing like a crazy person... it was like this crazy flow sheet starting with viruses, moving to abusive relationships... and on to Karpman's drama triangle...
(Bear with me, for a minute, because this all comes together in the end... I swear)
So... in Karpman's drama triangle, there are three roles... the persecutor, the victim, and the rescuer... Each role functions in a way that perpetuates whatever chronic condition is driving the unhealthy relationship that exists in the system... and the roles are perceived differently depending on whose perspective you're viewing the situation through, within the triangle... for me... in my own relationship with Me, Myself and I... I play all three roles...
As the rescuer, I eat to feel good... to alleviate my own suffering, caused by the persecutor within me that convinces myself that I failed...
So, figuring out these two was easy... but I sat with the last one for awhile... how do I understand myself as "victim"?
I realize that I don't always allow myself to play into that cycle - so what is going on when I do allow myself to hear "you're a failure"...
It's the same thing that allows me to hear others in a way that makes me feel victimized... when I am exhausted, worn out, burned out, drained...
So, of course the key to breaking the cycle is elementary knowledge that anyone in the world can tell you... I need to make sure that I'm getting enough sleep, making time for myself, eating healthy food and exercising so that I keep my emotional immune system healthy so that my "rescuer me" stays the heck out of it and forces me to sit in the proverbial "shit pit" of my emotions until I work it out, rather than eating my way to happy!
Which, by the way, is what I did last night... and THAT is encouraging... that without having consciously identified the abusive cycle yet, I navigated a different way of existing with myself... successfully!
SO... this may be super boring for everyone but me... and maybe confusing for anyone who hasn't been seeped in CPE, chewing on systems theory and ego development theories until they've lost all their flavor... but for me it was helpful to process...
So that's that... Goodnight!


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

All Cried Out (Part II)

So after reading last night's post, I am very aware of how pitiful and pathetic I sounded... and I wanted to reflect more on where I was, and where I am today...
The people at Medi are really great.  And I feel so bad for my weight loss counselor because she tried so hard to encourage me and to explain to me (again, because they have to remind me of this every time I have a water gain) that when the body sheds large amounts of fat at a time it leaves air pockets that fill up with water, and the body holds onto that water until it flushes out too... (yada yada yada)... but that really doesn't compute when I feel like a failure...
I know that I don't handle "failure" well... because I'm not used to it... as arrogant as that sounds.  But there has rarely been something that I have put my mind to that I was unable to accomplish.
Excluding history and physics, I have never gotten a bad grade on an assignment or test when I actually applied myself or studied (and I admit, I didn't always apply myself completely because I did well without having to)...
I was voted into leadership positions in my state youth group my junior and senior years of high school, my senior year serving as the President...
I got into all of the schools I applied to with significant scholarships to each...
I have never been turned down for a job that I interviewed for...
I have graduated three times now and am planning an ordination into ministry that required an intense approval process...
But there have been two things in life that I have been "unsuccessful" at... being "good enough" to change my ex, and maintaining a healthy weight... Of course, both of these perceived failures where just that... skewed perceptions... because I haven't always been fat (even though I always thought I was) and I was always way too good for him to begin with - and that's real talk not hatefulness or snideness!  I know that this week's weigh-in is no different than those two perceived failures, but in the middle of the emotions it's hard to compute that in a way that is real... and nothing that anyone can say can change that...
I feel so bad for my Grammy, Cedric and Lisa at Medi... because all three of them tried so hard to encourage me and support me... but I was inconsolable... I almost had to pull over on the way home because I was crying so hard I could hardly breathe and I couldn't see through the tears.  It was a rough day, I'm not gonna lie... and I watched The Biggest Loser hoping that Don (or Dan - whichever one stayed on the ranch) would have a big loss after his 9 lb gain last week... but they didn't show the weigh-in because of the State of the Union Address... which I'm not complaining, but I could have used some inspiration last night!
Anyway, despite my feelings of failure and defeat, I stayed the course... I maintained my rituals and preparations to set myself up for success... I cooked some chicken breasts that I'd marinated in fajita seasoning and weighed out my portions and made my meals for the week.  I packed my gym bag and went to bed early so that I could wake up at 5am to be at the gym at 5:30 when it opened - and actually followed through.  I got my morning workout in and I feel good... I made a protein and strawberry smoothie for breakfast and had a helping of scrambled eggs.  I had my chicken fajita for lunch and I'm drinking my water...  I'm cooking Turkey bratwurst sauteed with apple and onions for Jake (my brother) and I tonight... and I'm putting yesterday behind me... but if I weigh-in next week, and have another week like this week... they're going to have to scrape me off the floor because I can't handle another disappointment. I'm just saying!   

PS... On my scale at home I weighed 7 lbs lighter this morning than I did on the same scale last night before I went to bed... (which really just makes me mad, more than anything). If my weight can fluctuate that drastically in less than a 10 hr period, how can I have any sense of reality?
Anyway, peace out!

All Cried Out

I'm starting to feel like the "Boy who cried wolf" with this "I lost fat but I gained water" routine... this is the third week in a row that I have been majorly disappointed and today it was too much.  According to the (stupid) scale, over the last two weeks, I have LOST 10.8 lbs of FAT, GAINED 7.2 lbs of WATER, and GAINED 2.6 lbs of lean body mass... which nets out at only a 1 lb loss in 3 weeks, when I was used to 3, 4 and 5 lb a week losses... This week I lost 2 lbs of fat, gained 2 lbs of water, and gained 0.6 lbs of muscle mass... which means... a net gain of 0.6.  It's hard to explain what it feels like, to look at the scale and see a number that doesn't reflect the work you've done or the way you feel... My weight loss counselor could see and hear my disappointment and she tried everything to get me to hear that I had really lost... but I held it together... until I got in my car... and then I lost it... I cried harder than I've cried in quite a while... I don't even believe that stupid machine anymore... they swear up and down that its accurate and that I should be excited and feel good that I'm losing fat... but how can I ignore the total?
It was embarassing to make my weekly phone call to report that I gained and try to explain a magic scale that claims I actually lost what counts... I bawled all the way home and have just had a pity party all day long... Cedric was waiting for me at my house when I got home, and he tried his hardest to encourage me and remind me of the success I have already made... I know that he knows how hard I work and how important it is to me... and I know he was frustrated that I couldn't be comforted... but today I'm just sad!  Hopefully tomorrow I will pick myself up, wipe the tears and start over... but for tonight... I am learning how to have a non-indulgent pity party... no diet-cheating... no wine... just curled up on the couch with my Lillie watching The Biggest Loser... and trying to trust that tomorrow I will believe them and next week I will have a massive loss because I'll lose all this water and some...
I certainly cried enough today to lose at least a few pounds of water... I guess that's one way to "fix the problem."
I also made my appointment for 1:45 next week (the latest appt on Tues) so that I have time to go to the gym and sweat it out before I weigh in... I know that I set myself up at a disadvantage because I weigh-in right in the middle of the day, instead of first thing in the morning, but after my 28 hr shift on Tues is really the only time I can go - unless I switch to Friday mornings when i usually go in for my mid-week injection.  Maybe I should try that... then I would have a more true and consistent read.
Whatever... I'm just rambling now so I guess I ought to shut up.
Have a good night!

Refine Me

Well... I had a good week.  I stayed on top of my calories... I worked out... I got my body back into ketosis after a bad week... which I am pretty sure I can now chalk up to the cravings of Mother Nature!  I've felt better... I've had more energy... but my head has been killing me... I had what felt like a tension headache from last Tuesday through Thursday when I went to bed, and Friday woke up with my second migraine since I started Medi (which is an improvement to a minimum of one a month).  I had thought that maybe I had cured myself of the migraines... contributing it to the cayenne pepper in one of the supplements I take... but alas... I was wrong!  It took two Relpax to cure me Friday but after that I was good to go.  (Thinking back - it probably had something to do with the combination of Mother Nature and donating blood that day!)  Saturday morning I got up and went to the gym... and you've all read that blog.  I did great Sunday and yesterday as far as drinking water, eating well, and working out.  Yesterday I spent my lunch in the gym since I worked a 28 hour shift, making sure not to miss a day of getting some physical exercise beyond the regular running around the hospital that I usually do.  But all day yesterday, no matter what I took or how much water I drank, I still had a "tension headache" right in the base of my neck... Now I know my body and I know that particular headache is the result of one or both of two things.... stress and dehydration... but I was drinking plenty of fluids and there was no more stress than usual, and I could tell I was dehydrated.
Well, if the "magic scale" is right... I gotta find some way to hydrate myself more efficiently because I am retianing water but still dehydrated...  I can understand it last week, but it should be better now.
According to the scale, I lost 6 whole pounds of fat this week... but gained 3 more pounds of water and 1.2 pounds of lean body mass (which makes sense with the time I spent working out).... which means that I only lost a net of 1.8 pounds this week.  So I have now lost a total of 41 pounds in 15 weeks.  I know it's good and my counselors at Medi keep telling me that when you lose that much fat it leaves pockets that fill up with water and so supposedly, as long as I stay on the bandwagon this week, I should have a pretty significant water loss next week... but it feels like I am slowing down and that is not ok... I want to keep losing an average of 3 lbs a week.  I know that eventually it won't come off that fast, but I'm not even half-way done yet, so I'm not really trying to do this forever. 
On another note, I just wanted to say thank you for all of the emails and comments that I have gotten after my last blog.  I have had more responses to that one than probably all the others combined.  It was hard to write, because I was afraid that it would be misunderstood as angry or bitter, or the ten thousand other ways that it could have been misunderstood... but the emails have assured me that I wasn't lost in translation, and not only that, but that there are others who have been through similar experiences who appreciated my honesty.  I realize that living out loud the way I have chosen to do in this blog is risky, but I feel like I owe myself that... For the last three years of college, through that dreaded relationship I deprived myself of really living at all, and the years since then have been trying to heal and rebuild and basically stay afloat between work and school and attempting to engage my friends and family.  I am now at a place in my life where I deserve to shine a little and really embrace the transformations and accomplishments and blessings that I am claiming for myself.  It's like polishing silver... you gotta get messy and rub out all the spots that have developed over time from being neglected...
So, thanks for assuring me that it's safe to be authentic and for engaging me in this journey.

Living Out Loud!

Today I got a pretty loud reminder what it means to blog... what it means to put my life out there for... literally... the whole world to see.  I have always thought it neat that you can see how many people are reading your blog and from where in the world... I have people in Russia, Denmark, Mexico, France, Canada, Croatia, Germany and all over the US reading... people that I don't know... and people that I do know... and apparently people that I used to know...
Even though this journey in uncovering me is a good one... it's a hard one... because my weight is just as much an emotional battle as physical... And it's hard to process through all the reasons why I let myself get to that state... including acknowledging that I allowed myself to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship for so long that nobody, including me, could recognize me anymore... I lost my fire... I lost myself!
It's painful to acknowledge that for all these years, a part of me was hiding behind all that extra weight in some sick deluded effort to protect myself from experiencing that kind of pain ever again... and in a destructive effort to try and prove that I am good enough, no matter what I weigh!
Today that person made it known that he still checks in on me... and that he reads my blog.  At first it really pissed me off that he would have the nerve to contact me at all... especially so publicly... but I talked it out with some good friends and processed it on my own a bit... and leaned into the love of my life...  and I realized... who cares!
I am not the same person I used to be... my life is not the same life it used to be... and whether he keeps track of me or not is really irrelevant...
I know that I have healed! I know that I have recovered that beautiful, powerful, spirit-filled, full-of-life woman that God created me to be! I know that the love that I share with Cedric is the healing kind... the life-giving kind... the kind that makes me a better me... a whole me!  I know that I love myself enough to never give my power away again!  I know that I am blessed beyond measure... and I know that the past is the past!
So... read on... knock yourself out... and know that the best decision I made back then was getting on a plane to Paris and knowing I was starting over!  And life keeps getting sweeter!

Looking out over Paris from atop the Eiffel Tower...

ready for the start of a new future... 

reclaiming my independence!

 :)