Baby Steps

Today I was feeling good about myself as I made rounds through the hospital and multiple people commented that they didn't recognize me... It made me smile... not only because I like that the change is beginning to be noticeable, but also because I know that means people are going to get a chance to know the me that I know... the me that has been hidden behind the excess baggage that I have been carrying around for so long.  The me that laughs a lot more and gets silly a lot more... that lets down my guard instead of trying to bury my head in the sand... that isn't afraid to bloom in the sunlight.
I got silly today and took some pictures of myself to see if I could really tell... to try to see myself the way other people see me... I could tell and it made me giggle!
Watch out! This me... the one under the hide... is not the awkward girl in the corner... I'm still an introvert but I'm not scared anymore.  I hope the people who have only known the old me will give the new me a chance... but I know it will take some bravery and initiative on my part. 

Catch Up!

It's been a long time since I've written.  I guess I have been a little busy.  Since I last wrote, a lot has happened that I won't even try to catch up on... so I will just skip the previous week and go straight for this week...
Thursday afternoon, during my noon-time workout, after getting off my 28 hr shift at the hospital, I lost my step on the treadmill, sprained my ankle, and went soaring off the back of the treadmill.  It was very attractive I can assure you... but it definitely complicated my plans for finishing moving furniture around the house and cleaning... of course I did finish... because we all know how hard-headed I am... but it hurt like crazy!  I did, however, save the curtain-hanging for my helpful brother and sister-in-law, because I decided that I would really like to be able to walk on stage for my hooding Saturday.
Friday, Alicia and Jack and Grammy and Mom and Dad all came to town.  I picked up Grammy from the train station Friday at noon and we went to lunch, checked her in to her Bed and Breakfast and then went shopping for some smaller clothes... I wanted something nice (that fits) for graduation.  I got a cute new sweater/dress, a purple lacy "dress", a jean jacket, a perfect little black dress, and a few colorful camis!  It was very exciting.  Then I took her back to the B&B for a nap and I went home to finish getting things picked up and get some things ready for Saturday's party.  Jacob and Ashley came over and hung the last of the curtains before anyone saw my newly "refurbished" home!  Mom and Dad picked Grammy up and came over to the house.  Jack and Alicia arrived later in the evening.  It was so great to have so many of the people I love there in my home!
Saturday, I woke up early with Alicia and Jack and we got to play... and then I celebrated my graduation from seminary... finally... with my family and friends and mentors and one wise supervisor present at the hooding.  It was a refreshing feeling to be there, to know that it was the culmination of six and half years of sleepless paper-writing nights, and tearful breakdowns in the basement bathroom at Brite upon hearing another "no" to scheduling debacles of perpetual ridiculosity (like my made up word?)!  No more day trips to Tulsa. No more frustrating battles with curriculum criteria.

The weekend was full of family excitement and joyful laughter and tears.  We had a small get-together at my house where I whipped up some of my killer chili and some fat-free-tastic dips with veggies and crackers.  Jack was the hit of the party and the ice cream on the cake... the best kind... calorie free!

It was wonderful and perfect and only could have been better if everyone that wanted to be there could have been there... but it isn't the last celebration... and I look forward to the next big celebration.  I guess it's time to start planning for that one!  Ordination!
Sunday, everyone went home... and life went back to normal... and Monday came around and it was time to go back to work... Tues I woke up in the sleep room and didn't feel quite right as I got ready to run home and let Lillie out before pre-op rounds and before I could get all the way down the parking garage I was puking... I made it home and continued with the sickness and had to call Candace, balled up on my couch, and tell her I wasn't going to make it back.  Needless to say, Tuesday was not fun.  After sleeping a bit, I got up around noon and thought I would make it through my weigh-in... I lost another 3 lbs this week... and then by the time I got home, I'm pretty sure I lost another couple.
Wednesday I slept it off in the morning and then by evening I was feeling ok again... and now I'm back to my normal clumsy, limping self.
So... after two more weeks... the current total weight loss is 35.2!
Not bad for 11 weeks, I guess.  Let's see how I do this week... I'm already out of ketosis because all my body would tolerate Tuesday and Wednesday was Gatorade and saltines (thanks to Jake and Ashley)... so I have been working to get back into ketosis today.  Cedric's mom was so good to me tonight and baked me fish that was delicious and let me steal some sauteed shrimp before she added the rest to the Shrimp Alfredo!  Hopefully if I stick to protein only tomorrow too, I can get back into ketosis so I can enjoy some vegetables  and fruit on Christmas...
Peace Out for now... and if I don't get to write before Saturday... Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight!

Determination!

SO... I weighed in today, thinking that today was the day I'd hit my 30 lb loss... and I was 0.6 lbs short... Here I'd lost 3.7 lbs, which is really pretty good for one week, (especially since we celebrated my birthday Friday night and I did allow myself to enjoy a margarita... and a birthday shot of Patron... and Cai Cai's shot of Patron... sending my body not only into a tipsy spell but also somewhat of carb shock that kept me out of ketosis for two days)... but as I stood on the scale, and saw the numbers... instead of being happy with a 3.7 loss, I was disappointed because I was so close to that target, but not close enough!
As I was sitting in the parking lot at the pharmacy, after my appointment, I was looking through my calendar and realized that I had actually set next week as the target date for losing 30 lbs.... so I was sort of ahead of the game... and in true Megan fashion... instead of offering myself a little grace... I raised the bar and decided that I would set another goal for next week...
Ironic enough, my weight loss counselor and I engaged in a 30 min conversation (pastoral care conversation) where I extended to her an invitation to accept some grace and forgiveness for herself and set boundaries... It was a pretty powerful conversation, actually... that started out as girl talk, took a turn when she asked me, out of curiosity, "Do you go to church?" and I responded with "yeah... actually I'm a minister"... and got rather deep, theologically and spiritually, rather quick.  It was actually refreshing to have such a receptive response to my announcement of my profession.... a lot of times I get that deer in the headlights look, followed by an awkward silence, that can mean anything from "Oh shit, what have I said in front of her?" to "Ok, so is she gonna preach at me?"  Instead she lit up and smiled and I could see a sense of relief that she could be authentic with me instead of talking in some PC code because she was at work and I am a "customer."  She is a beautiful woman with a beautiful spirit and a beautiful heart and I was blessed to have been let inside.
Anyway... I think there is a healthy balance between grace and forgiveness and self-respecting determination and strong will.  I guess that's where boundaries come in!  ...and so it comes full circle...
Soooooo... Watch out!  I'm on a serious mission this week! I am determined to lose at least 5.6 lbs in the next 10 days... which means that I will have lost 35 lbs (in 10 weeks) before graduation!

Honestly, I'm just feeling so incredibly blessed lately... graduation... ordination... weight loss... all monumental milestones/goals/battles won that have required a great deal of determination.
I love my job and have gotten a great deal of external affirmation that I do it well, lately...
Cedric and I doing better than we ever have... from where I stand... in that, we are communicating... and even when we have a scuffle... we stay engaged... I think we've learned how to lean in to each other... and it feels good!
I think my reflection on all of this today is the common theme of determination... there have been valleys and mountaintops in each of these ventures... and while two of these ventures are coming to an end on a mountaintop, I know that they are only paths to other ventures that will come with their own valleys... and while this particular leg of the weight loss race has been smooth sailing... this isn't the first time I have lost weight or tried to lose weight... and it's not always going to fall off like taking off layers of clothes.... and when its all gone... that won't be the end either, because the new battle will be staying committed to being healthy!  And while Cedric and I are enjoying the view from another honeymoon stay, we havea  lifetime of trials and tribulations to conquer together and it we won't always feel as seamlessly connected as we do right now...
Determination... I am so thankful our parents taught us what it means... because all three of us (my siblings and I... and our significant others too) have been blessed because of it!  We watched our parents model what it means to meet God in the middle... We are certainly blessed to swim in an ocean of lemonade... and we're all determined to make more of it because God has an endless supply of straws!

Speaking of determination... I think I need to work on the balance between determination and hard-headed foolishness as Lillie (in her cute little pink sweater) and I sit, curled up in a ball, toes freezing, wrapped in a blanket on the couch because my house is 60 degrees and I refuse to turn on the heater because I'm not ready to start paying those ridiculous winter electric bills!

 On another note... I am so excited... THE SING OFF is back and I am watching last night's episode! YAY! If you haven't seen this show... you SHOULD! It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside!

And last but not least... tomorrow will be my LAST middle of the week, one day trip to Tulsa for my LAST class of Seminary! Get it!

Week 9
Total weight loss... 29.4 lbs

Hallelujah!

SO... I have officially turned in my last assignment for my last class.... and 17 days from now...
I WILL GRADUATE!
Yes... I am done... I have ordered my transcript... I have spoken to my professor about what else she needs from me... and she said over and over and over again... "You're done.  BREATHE!  YOU ARE DONE!"
I'M DONE!
IT'S OVER!
and I am going to be 35 lbs lighter at my graduation than I was when I started... and by the time Ordination gets here I will have lost 65 lbs... Those are my goals... I have 2 1/2 weeks to lose 9.5 lbs which I know I can do!
And then I have 13 weeks to lose the next 30 lbs...  I will be a new me... I'm already a new me...

I can't believe this is over... it's such a huge weight off my shoulders... maybe having it gone will help with the physical weight!
I can't wait until Dec 18, when I go to my hooding ceremony and know that it's all real...
Then I will take a little break for the holidays... from stressing not from dieting... and start planning Ordination first thing in January... I don't even know where to begin... but I am pretty sure that the opening hymn is going to be the Hallelujah chorus....
Ordination may be the most sacred and holy time of my whole life... but, there is room for joyful and playful rejoicing... if I have learned anything at the hospital, it's that there is always room for joyful, playful rejoicing!
So, I'll shout it form the mountaintop, the tabletop, the mall, the airport...
Hallelujah... I'm DONE!

Happy Holidays!

So it's been a wonderful holiday week.  Mom came in Tuesday night.  Dad came in Wed.  We got to video chat with the Kitterlin's until Jack shut us down... literally - we were saying goodbye and he closed the laptop... it was hilarious!
Thursday I worked my little tail off from 8a to noon and then picked up Grammy and Charlie at the train station, Cedric from his house... and headed over to Jake and Ashley's.  We had a full house of friends and family... and celebrated with good for you food and lots of laughter.  I made Mashed cauliflower instead of potatoes and Mom made a delicious turkey.  There was mashed sweet potatoes made with Greek yogurt and fat free cream cheese (which I had a few spoons of).  There was Mom's famous stuffing (which I also had a spoonful of)!  There were our traditional fruit salad and green salad (which I had a miniature taste of each).  Jake made homemade ice cream which I also tasted... as I write this, I feel like it sounds like I was really bad... but I didn't go over my calorie limit or my carb limit and I was still in ketosis Fri morning, so it really wasn't as horrible as it sounds... not to mention the ridiculous amounts of calories I worked off that morning running around that hospital in high heel boots... DUMB!   ...oh and I'm sure hide and seek with Darren burned some too...
So... anyway... it was lots of fun!  We took Grammy and Charlie back to the train station... then Cedric and I headed over to his parents so he could get all his traditional goodness!  We watched the Dallas Cowboys play the Saints and then Mom and Dad came over for the first time.  It was great fun!
Friday was my birthday and we had a nice laid back day... Mom and Ashley and I walked to the grocery store to buy groceries for my birthday dinner... I chose home cooked fajitas, rather than going out because then I could have my Carb Smart tortilla and sub Greek Yogurt for Sour Cream!  We got to video chat with the Kitterlin's again which was the next best thing to having them there...
Cedric's parents and my parents and Ashley and Jake were all there for dinner and then we went bowling and had a blast... I can't bowl to save my life... apparently... but it was still great fun!  We played boys against girls and I am pretty sure that in the end... we tied... I feel like it's probably safe to say that, since I don't think any of the boys read this :-)
Anyway.. it was healthy food... active fun... lots of laughing, which is the best exercises their is... and I feel so incredibly blessed!  I am thankful for the love in my life and that I am feeling well enough to enjoy it more fully than in the best... Last year I had a pretty serious meltdown over Happy Hour Margaritas because I was so disappointed with my life and where I felt stuck... but this year I feel like life is coming together... graduation is in less than a month... ordination is in a little over 3 months.  Last night I had my first and only dream that Cedric proposed and I woke up unsure of whether it was real or a dream... which to me is a testament that we are closer to that jump than we've ever been before, because I know inside and out that it's a goal we're both aiming for...
and most of all... I feel healthier... I have more energy... I feel happier...
the past two mornings I have woken up and watched this week's Biggest Loser episodes while mom and dad got ready... which I usually do Tues evenings after my weekly weigh-in and realized how serious I really am about this revolutionary transformation of my life... I'm cleaning up and purging... a few weeks ago it was the living room... bit by bit it's the clothes in my closet that are too big... Sat morning it was the kitchen... Sunday it was rearranging furniture and cleaning out the guest room... which was dusted with kitty litter dust... but ultimately it's my insides... and it feels damn good!
I figured out what I want for Christmas... A balance ball... a weighted ball to use for my core training... and one of those ball weights with a handle on it that you do squats with... see I'm super technical - I gotta a long ways to go... anyway, those are all things I use at the gym for my strength training and toning that I could use at home while I'm watching tv, instead of moving my elliptical back in the living room.
Now that I feel like I have a handle on the eating routine... it's time to get a little more serious about the exercise routine... and with this dumb class over (in 2 1/2 weeks) my schedule will be so much more conducive!
So Saturday we talked to Alicia and Jack again on iChat... cleaned the heck out of my kitchen and rearranged some things... Mom and I went to Ced's car wash and had our cars washed... we went to Hobby Lobby with Ashley... helped (a little) Dad and Jake with Ashley's chicken coop... hung out with Cai Cai... and then we watched the OU vs OSU game... which is a BIG DEAL!  Sun was cleaning day... and I broke my pinky toe... but my house is CLEAN!
Hope you've all had a blessed week too!
Oh yeah... and to top it off... I lost 2.5 lbs this week... Thanksgiving and Birthday week... the week most people gain 2.5 lbs!  I feel super good!  And thanks to my brother and sister-in-law... I have a fancy new haircut so my hair is as healthy as my body is getting!

One Day at a Time

The past week has been a difficult week... it would take way too long to explain the extent of the stressors I've had this week... so for your sake and my sanity, I won't rehash it... but needless to say it was tough... It got so bad last Thursday that I broke my diet... I ate some popcorn and some Reese's Pieces at the movie theatre... it's not like I ate a ton of either... but I ate some... and I was so miserable... I was so disgusted with myself... not only afterwards, but while I was eating it... but I ate it anyway thinking it would make me feel better... IT DIDN'T... I literally hated myself and eventually it made me quit... but
I was still convinced that I had ruined my whole week and it just stressed me out even more... on top of the ridiculousness that is my job!
But instead of throwing my hands up in the air and giving up for the week, I pulled it together and got back to my proteins for the rest of the week.  I even went to a Birthday dinner Saturday night and instead of eating at the restaurant, where I wasn't sure I could maintain my self-control, and where it's harder to calculate calories, I just enjoyed myself and ate dinner when I got home, where I could measure out my food and knew what I was putting into my body.
And... it paid off... I lost another 6 lbs of fat this week... my water went up of course, so my net loss for the week was 3.4, but I lost 6 lbs of fat...
My counselors at Medi reminded me that one day is just one day, and the point is just that... days that I don't eat right are the minimal exception... not the habit... I take it one day at a time... just like the families I work with every day...
They weren't the only ones to tell me that of course.... Christi and Cai Cai tried to tell me that Thursday night when I was considering gagging myself to throw it all up... but I couldn't hear it that night!  It's like I can't accept any weakness at all, because it may lead to more and more giving into temptation...
I didn't make myself throw up by the way... as much as I considered it!
Anyway... we're two days away from Thanksgiving... the biggest food holiday of the year... and I am thankful for my family who values healthy eating too and who supports each others food weirdness...
My sister-in-law is virtually vegan (except fish), her mom is gluten intolerant. I am on a low cal, practically carb free diet and Splenda's my new best friend... but Splenda gives my dad migraines... so we work together and are sensitive to each other's diets and all contribute.  I'm making almond cookies from almonds, egg whites, vanilla extract and Stevia which everyone will be able to eat!  I'm making Mashed Cauliflour (instead of potatoes).  Jake and Ashley are making the Turkey.  Mom's making some of our traditional holiday favorites!  I'm looking forward to it and am thankful that I don't have to feel pressured or worried to "go-off" my diet for the day.
After the past 32 hours, I am thankful for a whole lot... words can't express how much I'm thankful for today... guilty... but grateful!

Fill My Cup...

So, I went to church this morning and the experience was...
interesting...
the scripture was Luke 23:33-43, where Jesus has been nailed to the cross with the two thieves and he prays to God...
"God, forgive them, for they know not what they do."
And as the thieves banter back and forth, one of them pleads to Jesus
"Jesus, remember me, when you come into our kin-dom"
and Jesus says,
"Today you will be with me in paradise."
A scripture that I love and has so much meaning and can really go anywhere, so I was interested with where the preacher would go with it...
and he walks away from the pulpit and pulls out a box for a visual demonstration...
the visual demonstration he did was very powerful, but I had a hard time following what it had to do with the scripture...
and as he continued...
I had a hard time following what the rest of the sermon had to do with the scripture or the visual...
But it did spark something for me and I took off in a totally different direction...
and this is where I went with it...

So, imagine with me, if you will, a jar...
it can be any jar, as long as it's empty...
and now imagine that this jar is a vessel of a a life...

Now imagine with me a pitcher of water...
and that the water represents the needs, values, priorities of others.

Now, I want to tell you a story....

There once a woman who was committed to caring for the needs of others.
She had been taught that it was good to think of others and not to be selfish...
and it was extremely important that she please others so that they would know she was good and kind and loving and compassionate...
and so she filled her jar full of water until it was running over...

 

And all was well...

until it wasn't...

Things at home began to get a little hectic and her family needed her...

she tried to focus her attention on her family without letting go of anything else and realized that as she tried, the water began to spill out and made a huge mess, and she spent more time cleaning up the mess than actually caring for anyone... 

She realized this was not working and that if she was going to make room for the needs of her loved ones, she was going to have to empty her jar and start all over...

So now, imagine with me, that the needs of her loved ones are represented by sand... 

and so she filled up her jar full of sand... 

and began to nurture the needs of her loved ones... 

and as things began to get better with her loved ones, she still longed to reach out to others, and wondered... 

"Can I still serve others, even though it seems as though my jar is full?"

and so she reached out to see if things would fall apart... 

and she began to add a little water at a time to her sand filled jar... 

and to her amazement... she found that she still had room to love others... 

and so, all was well...

until it wasn't...

She began to feel heavy... and began to realize that everyone around her seemed to have their needs met and to be happier than she felt, and she felt like something was missing... 

even though she was able to take care of her loved ones, and others, she still didn't feel fulfilled...

She realized that while she was busy taking care of everyone else's needs, she had neglected her own... She had always thought that if everyone cared for the needs for other's than everyone's needs would be met...

The problem with that was, that not everyone operates that way... 

and that even those who do, can't care for your needs, if you don't communicate them... 

and you can't communicate them, if you don't take them time to figure out what they are.... 

So as she began to solidify what her needs were she realized they were solid and concrete needs... 

they were important and demanded space...

like rocks... 

and as she tried to fit them into her jar... 

she realized that the water had filled every crevice of space in between the grains of sand and the two were so compacted that as she tried to fit her needs into her jar that was already full of the needs of others and her loved ones it didn't just make a mess... 

it caused her jar to crack from the pressure as she tried to force them in...

and everything came spilling out...

 

Now, her life was shattered and she couldn't hold anyone's needs... 

and in the brokenness, something happened... 

someone reached out to help her pick up the pieces and put herself back together...
and as she began to transform into this new being, other's joined in...
and she realized that love was what was holding her together...
and when all the pieces were joined together, she realized that she didn't look the same as she did before...

 

but somehow, she found she was more beautiful than before... 

and that the cracks added character and that the love showed through with even more brilliance... 

and somehow she was even more open than before... 

and she realized... 

that she didn't have to do everything on her own... 

and that she could no longer neglect her own needs... 

but she didn't want to become selfish... 

After all that she'd been through, she knew she had to do things differently...

that she had to honor the new life she had been given and the love she was being offered...

and she found that if she put her rocks in first, she would still have room...

and if she put her sand in next... 

she would still have room for water...

Because it's true... 

The needs of the world are as deep and wide as the waters of the ocean...

and the needs of the ones we love span as great as the sands of the beaches and deserts of the earth...

and our own needs can at times feel like mountains...

and somehow, God's love holds it all together in perfect balance...

But we aren't God...

We can only hold so much at a time... 

and if we try to take on the needs of the world alone, their waves will smash over our own needs and suck us under...

 So, we must accept our limits...

know our own needs...

and embrace the love of those around us when we need a little reinforcement...

This is what this journey of losing weight has been like for me...

I neglected my core needs and realized I had cracked under the pressure and all of my insides were spilling out around me... 

and I wasn't effective at holding the needs and pain of others I was ministering to... 

and I am realizing that the more I take care of myself, the more I have to offer the ones I love... 

and if I offer myself to them first... 

I still have room to hold the needs and pains of the ones I minster to in the hospital...

and those needs... 
as water... 

evaporate as they move on... 
creating more room for those who come behind.

So as the song my mama taught me, as a little girl, goes

Fill my cup

let it overflow

fill my cup 

let it overflow

fill my cup

let it overflow

let it overflow with love...

and then and only then, can I hold it all together!

So, I am still not sure if the preacher pulled it all together in the end...
but I did!

Wardrobe Conundrum

So... I am in quite a wardrobe conundrum... the best kind of conundrum... but a conundrum none the less... I only have 2 pairs of dress pants and one pair of jeans that aren't too big... and I had to drag those out of the depths of my closet...
I'm not going to lie... It's great to fit into pants two sizes smaller...
I found the jeans today... and I did a little dance when they slid on like a glove.  I also found another pair of pants and a cute skirt, both 2 sizes smaller than what I'm on now... so I look forward to getting into those soon too!
I don't want to go shopping because I don't want to stay in the same size long enough to warrant the money spent... so... I'll keep digging and trying to find old clothes to get me through!

Yay!

What What!

Ok, so I decided to bite the bullet and go in today for my weigh-in... and... I lost another 3 lbs... for a total of 19.8... ALMOST 20!
When I got to work and walked on to my favorite floor, one of them came up behind me and said "What's up skinny?" and so I got to share how much I've lost with them.  They were very encouraging and it made me feel great!  (No wonder they're my favorite floor, huh!)
:-)
Anyway, Today's blog is going to be nice and boring because I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote for school and work this weekend and I am pretty much done with writing or thinking very deeply... but I had to post how much I've lost because that's what I do!

Here's a pic from Cedric's and my date night Friday night, for the fun of it!

Portabella Pizza

So I got this recipe from Medi for a pizza made with a Portabella mushroom cap for the crust instead of bread... i tried it and its fabulous!
So I thought I'd share it with you!

First, it says to scrape out the gills... I didn't and it was perfect so no need to do extra work. I sprinkled a little celery salt on it and then... popped it in the oven for 10 min at 425 degrees...

Then top it with 1/4 c Light Ragu No Sugar Added Tomato and Basil spaghetti sauce...

Then I added just a little Poblano Peppers that I sauteed with a bit of garlic...

... sprinkled 1/3 c Part Skim Mozerella Cheese and some crushed red pepper on top...

... cooked it another 10 min at 425 degrees...

and bon appetit!  

It was absolutely delicious... so much more flavorful than regular pizza and it fits in with my new meal plan...

Only 133 calories & 8 carbs!

For real!

It was a great treat after spending the day writing and writing and writing and writing... I am so over school and writing!  Is it over yet?

In other news... I have been in quite a fight with the scale this weekend... it is not agreeing with me at all and i am really scared about weighing in this week.  And I just realized that I can't weigh in Tues at 1 when I usually do, because we will be in Unit Evals all day... (just in case that sounds like an excuse, I would much rather go to a weigh-in than have to sit through evals... 2 full days of brutal authenticity and stress!  I will have to stay away from food and alcohol that day to avoid self-medicating to get rid of the headache that will ensue by the end of those days... so pray for me... and for those who have to be around me Tues and Thurs...)

Anyway, I have to figure out whether I want to try to go weigh in tomorrow morning before work, or wait until Wed.  Which means that I either lose a day of opportunity for weight loss this week, or next week when I have to go back to Tuesdays... This week isn't looking like a good option, but... who knows what next week will look like... any suggestions?

Hope everyone had a great weekend! 

Self Control

What I did eat...

a white turkey burger with 1/2 oz brie and 1/2 oz sauteed mushrooms!

I even replaced fries with fruit but the fruit was mostly melon which I can't have so... 

Oh well!

it was yummy!

Life Abundant

I throw my hands up in the air sometimes!

Saying A-O!

Gotta let go!

I wanna celebrate and live my life!

Saying A-O!

Baby let’s Go!

…I’m gonna take it all like,

I’m gonna be the last one standing,

‘Cause I believe it,

and I,

I just want it all, I just want it all!

This morning I was dancing in my car as I was driving to the airport at 4:30 feeling full of joy and life and energy… (sick I know) and I was thinking about how good I feel and how thankful I am for my life and where I am right now… and where I’m headed.
It’s not like it's a particularly great day…
First thing this morning I was sent into a panic attack because I let my little demon of a dog out to go to the bathroom and five minutes later when she wasn’t scratching to let her in, I went to check on her, and she wasn’t in the back yard. The gate was closed and I realized she dug another hole… she used to go into the neighbor’s yard, which was not good and was very frustrating but at least I knew she was safe.  Now she’s dug a hole on the other side of the fence, where the church parking lot is, and she’s home free! And this hole is behind all the brush and shrubs, so I can’t get back there to block it. I was scared and crying in the middle of the parking lot, whistling (sort of - for those of you who laughed at the thought of my pathetic attempt at whistling) and calling for her, trying not to wake up the neighborhood, and Cedric came out and grabbed me by the shoulders and said “calm down. I’ll help you find her.” He did, of course and all was well! We came back in the house and he gave me a big hug and reminded me that he loves me... and I knew I was safe and not alone and I was ready to take on the day.
So, as I was dancing in the car, after such a scare so early in the morning, I got to thinking about how much more I’m living these days… and about John 10:10b-15 that begins with Jesus telling us “I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly” and he goes on to tell us that he is the good shepherd who lays down his life for his sheep, each one he knows by name and each one knows his voice…
and I got a little emotional.
Just when I think I’m living a life fully, God shows me there’s more joy… a life more abundant than I can dream…
As I sat there reflecting on this... writing... waiting for my flight at the airport, with the smell of the Cinnabon kiosk right next to me... teasing me... tempting me... toying with my emotions, I look up and I see a woman and her granddaughter eating breakfast at a table across from my gate, and bowing their heads to pray before they feed their bodies.. I thanked God for feeding my soul and teaching me how to feed my body right!
Then I came to class and our opening devotion is John 21:4-22 and Jesus is teaching his disciples several things... First he's teaching them if you're coming up with an empty net, trust in him and he'll show you another way.... he asks them if they're catching any fish (and the word used here translates more specifically to little fish... like sardines) and they say "no" and so he tells them to fish on the other side of the boat... and as they do, they can't even pull up the net because it is overflowing with fish (and the word used here translates more like medium sized fish, like trout or something... I don't really know fish very well)... then he invites them to bring their catch over to him and they lay it at his feet, and he is already cooking fish over the fire (and this word translates to large fish, a feast that could feed an entire family).
Throughout my life, the running theme continues to be that when I stubbornly try to do things my own way, on my own, I come up short and get frustrated and feel like I am hitting a wall. When I am open to hearing where God leads me, my life is more fruitful and when I lay that at God's feet and give thanks and praise to the One with whom all things are possible, I experience life more abundantly than I could ever imagine on my own. Yet, still... I continue to make everything more difficult than it needs to be and refuse to reach out for ways in which God is providing unexpected resources.
I am so thankful for the unexpected resources that have made this journey to uncovering me, possible... and for the people who have reached out, encouraged me, and been willing to offer themselves up in ways that empower me to grow (or shrink, as the case may be) into a life that is more than enough rather than enable me to remain complacent with stagnancy that is "just good enough."
This is one of the next things that he teaches them in this text.  He asks Simon Peter, "Do you love me?" and Simon Peter says, "Yes, you know that I do!" and Jesus tells him, "Feed my lambs."
Then he asks Simon Peter a second time, "Do you love me?" and Simon Peter says, "Yes, you know that I love you!" and Jesus tells him, "Tend my sheep."
Then he asks him a third time, "Do you love me?" and Simon Peter proclaims again, "Yes, you know everything.  You know that I love you!" and Jesus says, "Feed my Sheep."
While their are multiples layers to this text, what stood out today was in light of the previous text when he was telling them that he is the good shepherd... Here Jesus is telling them, "You too are called to be the good shepherd, and I have taught you how to do this."  Putting all these texts into context with one another, we are reminded that it's one thing to care for others, it's another thing to teach others how to care for themselves and others.  I couldn't lose this weight on my own, but it's also not only the diet that is making it successful... It's the combination of those people who have provided me resources with my own will and desire to be a good steward of what I have been given.
So I want to publicly thank a few people who are essential to this specific journey right now...
Thank you Grammy, Sara, Mom, Dad, Cedric, Guy Sawyer, and Medi... and everyone else who has been encouraging me! 

TWITA!!!

SO... thanks for the skinny thoughts... I weighed in today and... I lost another 5.2 lbs which makes a total loss of 16.8.  It felt so good to have a good week... like its worth it to say no to the fudge brownies and chocolate cake and doughnuts and jars full of candy that are ALWAYS sitting on the kitchen counter at my office... and Fuzzy's cravings after a horrendous 28 hr shift... and late night pizza cravings!

Eggplant alfredo and all you can eat sushi... 

ice cream and lattes and anything that's gooey... 

Pollo con champiñones at Gloria's...   

These are a few of my favorite things... 

(please tell me someone could hear me singing that dancing around my living room like a fool!)

I swear... heaven better be a place where you can eat whatever the hell-O you want to and still stay just the size you want to be!

sigh...

Glad I got THAT out of my system!

Anyway, I'm feeling good and I don't doubt the hour and a half in the gym Sat probably helped too...
I just hope I can keep losing like this so I can see a drastic change in my body!  However, I did try on a pair of pants yesterday that were two sizes smaller than what I've been wearing and... they fit!  Sometimes I think I can tell a difference in my thighs... which is encouraging... I'm just ready to get rid of this gut! Let me keep whats left of my boobs (for now at least) and let's move on to the rest of my body.  I already need new bras as it is... (sorry for any men who may or may not be reading, if that's too much info).
Ok, I'm done for now!   


Day 35
End of week 5
Week Weight Loss: 5.2
Total Weight Loss: 16.8 lbs
Week Fat Loss: 2.8
Total Fat Loss: 13.8

Bariatrics

In my job, I see a lot of things... a lot of trauma, crisis, illness, injury, pain, suffering... each of body, mind and soul... It can be emotionally and physically draining at times.  It can also be rewarding and life-giving!  My greatest joy recently has been to be in the room with a kidney recipient as they are being given the news that the kidney is a match and the life they have been praying for is just a surgery away. 
We also have a bariatric unit, and a program for bariatric surgery.  Working with this population... MY population has made me more and more aware of how incredibly important it is to get myself healthy and to get my weight under control.  I have been blessed that even with my obesity, my blood pressure and cholesterol and other weight related issued have been unaffected... so far... but ultimately that is all the more reason to get control of it now, before it's too late.  I don't ever want to be confined to a bed because I have gotten so heavy I can't get up.  I don't want to have to risk my life on an operating table because surgery is my only option - and my life depends on it.  I don't want to give up on myself or my body or remain complacent, as I was for so long.  I want to physically be able to do anything my heart desires.  I want to be the me that I deserve and that my loved ones deserve. 
Sometimes sitting in other people's darkness can provide the reminders of why I am pushing through a battle that seems impossible to overcome. 
Weigh-In tomorrow!  Send me skinny thoughts!

Hitting the Gym

It's been difficult to find the time to hit the gym with the schedule I've had the past few months.  I work Mon 8a-Tues noon, go straight from there to my Medi appointment, then I sort of crash after a 28 hr shift and still have to get ready for school the next day.  Wed I fly to Tulsa @ 6:35a for class and fly back whenever I can that afternoon/evening.  Then I either work 8a-8p Thurs and Fri or I work 8 hrs Thurs, Fri and Sat... so each week is a little different but it's hard to find a consistent time to get to the gym, especially when the hours of operation are so limited... but today I did it!  Cedric called at 8:30 to say good morning and let me know he was safe... (he's on a boy's weekend retreat) and so I got up, got dressed and hit the gym.  I did cardio and strength training and by the time I left I realized I'd been working out for an hour and a half... it felt good.  Prior to this new hectic schedule I was getting to the gym 3-5 times a week and I was feeling good and I have felt the difference... now I have to work on working back up to where I was with endurance and strength, but I can already tell that the little bit of weight I have lost makes a difference.  I hope that I can figure out a way to incorporate working out into more of my week, because once a week isn't going to cut it.  I also hope that this helps my weight loss instead of hindering it... when I was on LA Weight Loss years ago, I was losing an average of 4-6 lbs a week and then I started to work out and plateaued.  I want to keep losing so I hope I can do it right!
Random question... Does anyone know why EVERY TIME I leave the gym after a good work out I start sneezing uncontrollably?  It's very weird!
I guess that's all for now... I will try to write on Tues after I weigh in... but I should be doing homework right now... I need to graduate!

Cleaning House

Day 28
End of week 4
Week Weight Loss: 0.9
Total Weight Loss: 11.6 lbs
Week Fat Loss: 3.7
Total Fat Loss: 11 lbs

This weekend was absolutely gorgeous!  The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect... It was life giving... and I felt full of energy... So, naturally, I cleaned... I took my car to Cedric's Wash.  I turned up the volume on my stereo and vacuumed it out and then when I got it home I cleaned up the console... it was pretty nasty!
I opened all the windows in the house and let the animals play outside... the weather energized them too! They love it outside!  I cleaned the kitchen and prepared some meals for the next few days.
Sunday, I got up and went to church for the second Sunday in a row.  After church I came back home... opened up all the windows again... and started going through my closet and my dressers, washing clothes and starting to pull out clothes that already don't fit anymore so I can get rid of them and never go back... I also found a few clothes that haven't fit in a while that I am looking forward to wearing again and replaced my bigger clothes with smaller clothes.  I got all the clothes off the couch in the bedroom and put them in their respective places.... Changed the sheets on the bed and got organized.
I became even more aware of the fact that my house has been a reflection of my insides... when life is chaotic and full of turmoil, so is my house... When I begin to feel more at peace and rested, my house is also a refuge of peace and restfulness. 
As I begin to purge the crap inside of me... physically and emotionally, it carries over to the rest of my life... unfortunately, I still manage to retain excess water... and I have a feeling it would do me some good to identify the parallel process in my emotional life so that maybe I could flush it out too.
0.9 lbs is pretty disappointing if I only pay attention to that... but since I know that I lost 3.7 lbs of fat... and week after week continue to purge the fat... I guess that if I have to retain something, better water than fat!  I can't get rid of it all, so better to hold onto fluidity that passes on its own, than heaviness that requires intentional work to break down and let go!
Here's to another week of cleaning house and home!

I hate trying to be patient

Day21
Total Weight Loss:  10.7 lbs

It just isn't coming off fast enough... I lost another 2.3 lbs this week... all of it fat... and I know that I should be excited, but it just doesn't feel like enough!  Especially when it requires such a complete change in lifestyle to get such a small result... How in the world can someone consume 600 cal a day and only lose 2-3 lbs a week. I miss my homemade pizza with homemade stone ground wheat crust... I miss sushi and pasta... honestly, I just want a piece of freaking bread!  I want a Gloria's margarita...
Luckily, more than I want any of that... I want to be thin... so no pizza... no bread... no sushi or pasta... and no Gloria's margarita.

Maybe I'll hit 15 next week!

"I'm Melting"

Day 19

One of my favorite childhood movies is the Wizard of Oz... and of course good triumphs over evil when Dorothy throws a bucket of water on the Wicked Witch of the West and she begins to melt away, screeching, "I'm melting... I'm melting!"  Well... nobody has thrown a bucket of water on me, but I'm drinking so much water, it's a wonder I haven't floated away... and yes, I am also melting... well not me... but the nasty fat that's stored up inside of me... it's melting away and I am beginning to see the me underneath it... several times this week people have told me that they can see it in my face... my face is getting thinner... they can see my cheekbones... some definition... Yes, slowly, but surely, I am uncovering another beautiful part of me... the beautiful part of me that is on the outside, reflecting the beauty within...
Cedric and I went to see his friend's new baby at the hospital and we took pictures... I could see it in my face too, in the pics.
Looking forward to Tuesday when I weigh-in for the end of week 3.  I am pretty confident that I will pass the 10 lb mark.  t would be nice to have a bigger loss this week than the past two... Sort of looking forward to getting exercise back this week... I know that I feel better and have more energy when I work out, but now I don't have an excuse note too... ;-)
I work a 28hr tomorrow so, more on Tuesday afternoon after the weigh in...

Peace out!

Loving the machine today!

Day 14
Total Loss: 8.4 lbs

So, today was the weigh-in for my second week... and I lost 2.7 lbs... not so great... not at all what I wanted... but, this week, the machine says my water weight went up and I lost 6 lbs of fat.  YAY!  This is one time I want to believe the machine!  It was definitely encouraging but I still have so far to go...
This week I get fruit back... so now I can have 500 cal of protein, one serving of veggies and one serving of fruit... which means.... drumroll please....
I am enjoying a glass of my favorite wine while I watch The Biggest Loser!
YAY for The Biggest Loser! Yay for wine!

Instant Gratification

Day 12
I know they say not to weight throughout the week... but I can't resist and the weight is not coming off... I don't understand... Yesterday all I had to eat was Turkey... 4 oz for breakfast... 8 oz for lunch... 8 oz for dinner... it's the leanest high protein food I can find. This morning I had fake eggs and sausage, a turkey pattie for lunch, and fake fajitas (ie. chicken breast, onion, salsa and fat free greek yogurt)... I'm chainging things up and staying creative when I can, so that I don't get bored... But still, I feel the same as I did a week ago and my scale hates me.  I am frustrated and disgusted... I know that I didn't get this way overnight so I'm not going to lose it overnight, but it feels like it takes 10x as long to lose it as it does to gain it... I just want to look good now... I want to feel good now...
I saw pictures of my cousin's wedding today... and she looks so incredible... I want to look that gorgeous and be that happy... I want what I want NOW!  I am not very good at this patience thing... and I don't want to wait to have patience either... I just want to see a difference... I want to feel a difference...
I know I'm whining... and you have better things to do than read my whining pity party... but the point of this is to be authentic... that magic machine better have something good to say Tuesday... because I need a motivational boost!

Getting My Stride Back

Day 9

Today was the first day I felt "normal" again.  I enjoyed a delicious steak dinner at Jake and Ashley's last night, that was truly a treat.  Yesterday was also the first day being on the new Rx and today I could really feel the difference.  I didn't feel like I was starving today and I didn't feel like I was about to waste away to nothing.  I had energy and felt sustained.
I was able to get on my floors in the hospital today and felt present like I hadn't felt lately.  I am "doing" a lot lately, and it was nice to be able to take a seat and "be" in the room with another person, and let time get away from me.  I wasn't interrupted my my grumbling tummy, or thoughts of an upcoming interview or appointment... We were so engaged that my patient ignored her phone ringing and said "I don't want to answer that right now.  I just want to talk to you."  I was even 1/2 an hour late to my seminar because I ignored my pager as she had invited me to do by ignoring her phone.  I love my job and I love that I was feeling well enough today to be re-drawn to my ministry.
I'm looking forward to feeling even better as I begin to shed a little more of the "hide" I 've been hiding in and begin to uncover more of the me that God created.

New note to self on my bathroom mirror:

                                                      "You are a beautiful child of God.  Love yourself like it!"

Breakfast: AdvantEdge protein shake (110 cal; 1 carb)

Lunch: 12 slices of deli meat (90 cal; 2 carbs) filled with Laughing Cow Cheese Wedges (Queso Fresco & Chipotle) (x2=70 cal; 4 carbs) and a Breakstone's Cottage Cheese (90 cal; 6 carbs)

For Dinner: "Fajita Salad"
3 oz Chicken Breast (90 cal)
1/4 c. Fage Non-fat Green Yogurt (30 cal; 2 carbs)
2 c. raw spiniach
2 tbsp salsa

Trying to Push Through

Day 8
Loss: 5.7 lbs

So, I fell off the wagon with the blogging, but not with the diet plan.  I weighed in today and while I didn't lose near as much as I'd like, and the stupid machine said it was all water weight, I did lose 5.7 lbs.  The RN said that's normal to lose water weight first while the fat is breaking up, before the body gets rid of it, so I should have a good loss of fat next week.  Not to mention that my body composition dropped too... which they explained is that the machine isn't 100% accurate.  So, I keep on keeping on...
It was a difficult week.  I was hungry but I could tell in my face and by the way my bra fits that I was losing! 
Last night Cedric and I celebrated our 3 yr anniversary together at home.  I cooked turkey patties (170 cal) with a wedge of Sun-dried Tomato and Basil Laughing Cow cheese (35 cal) and had 1/4 c. of Fage plain, fat-free yogurt with a Splenda (w/ 1 g of Fiber) packet for dinner.  I thought it was great... but of course he needed a little more!
As I left Medi last week, I called my doctor's office and left a message asking them to have him call me back because I needed  to discuss getting off one of my Rx so that I could do this plan 100% and by Fri I still hadn't heard from him.  So, Fri I called him on his cell from the hospital and he answered - because he thought I was his daughter, who also works from the hospital - but I explained the situation to him and he said he would fax the letter.  At my appointment today, they notified me that he still hadn't done it... so I went to his office and told them I was sitting in the waiting area to wait for the letter... I also sent him a text saying, I'm here... how can I get it?  Within 10 min I had what I asked for over a week ago.  Anyway, I drove all the way back to Medi, gave them the letter, and got the new Rx.  Hoping that it will help me lose more next week.  After my wild goose chase, I came home and had the most delicious salad... it was amazing!  Looking forward to a celebratory steak dinner this evening at my brother and sister-in-law's!  (Celebrating my approval for Ordination)
Anyway, week one is over... week two, here we go!

Today:
BREAKFAST:  EAS AdvantEdge protein shake (110 cal, 17g protein)
LUNCH: "Fajita Salad" (120 cal from protein; 35 cal from veggies)
1/2 c. raw spinach & 1/2 c. raw poblano peppers (25 cal)
3 oz chicken breast (90 cal, 16g protein)
1/4 c. Fage plain, fat free greek yogurt (30 cal, 5g protein) - (perfect sour cream substitute)
2 tbsp salsa (10 cal)

Day One

 7:28a

So, the first day is going to be a little rough... not because I am afraid I'll eat too much, but because I'm afraid I won't eat enough... I am sure that sounds strange, but it is very important that I eat at least 500 calories of protein today, but nothing else.  I can have up to 20g carbs, but that is not ideal...
I flew to Tulsa yesterday afternoon and took a cab straight to the house where I stay, so I didn't have a chance to get myself any food for today.  Now I'm at school and I'm sort of stuck... so I had a protein bar with 17g of protein and 200 calories... but it also had 19g carbs... so there goes my carb intake for the day, in one stupid bar... and it's only 7am... so, hopefully that will tide me over until I can find a protein source... which may very well be when I get home this evening at 5.  Tulsa complicates everything....

7:28p

So, I think it's time to go to bed because I am still so hungry and I am finding it difficult to resist the temptation to eat something.  I had a chicken breast from TGIFridays at the airport for lunch and then a 3 1/2 oz steak for dinner when I got home.  TO be honest, I even cheated at lunch and ate the steamed broccoli, because I thought, if I'm gonna cheat... broccoli is a reasonable cheat, even though I'm not supposed to eat any veggies or fruit this first week.  I had 600 calories today... and I am so hungry.  I really need my doctor to call me back and give me permission to get off my adderal so I am can take the Rx Medi wants to offer me to suppress my appetite if I'm going to make it through much more of this!  One day down... too many to go!

3..... 2..... 1....

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Today is the last day of my old life… I went to Medi Weight Loss Clinic today.  They took my blood, did an EKG, measured my waist, and put me on this scale that tells you your weight, your BMI, and a bunch of other stuff, but the neatest thing it does is tell you how many lbs of fat you are composed of and how many pounds is water weight, which if you subtract that from your total weight, it also tells you how much the rest of your body weighs… the weight of your body composition of skin, muscles, bones, etc… For as long as I can remember I have been told that my ideal weight is 121-130 and so that is what I believed.  When I did LA Weight Loss I got down to 170 and I hit a plateau.  I was going through so much other stuff at the time that between being “stuck” and being in the worst relationship ever, I gave up and I let myself gain it all back, plus some.  I felt good… looking back, I looked good… but I had it in my mind that I was supposed to lose another 30 lbs and I let that overwhelm me….
Today I learned that my body... bones, skin, muscle tissues and water... without any fat at all, would weigh 130 lbs, so it is not realistic that I should weigh 130 lbs.  My goal weight range is 163-172 which doesn’t feel like a big difference but it is…  It helps to know that the people who are helping me lose my weight want me to be healthy, not waste away.  It helps to know that I was once where I need to be and I know that I can get there again, because I did it!  And this time I won’t feel defeated when I get to where I should be, because nobody else will try to tell me that I should lose more.  I am looking forward to this journey to wellness!

BEFORE: