Thanksgivings

The past several days have been wonderfully relaxing... I have been "unemployed" for 3 days... tomorrow will make 4... before I start my new job on Tuesday. I am very excited and still somewhat anxious... it's like a part of me doesn't believe it's real until I get there... but I have been trying to just relax and enjoy a few days of doing whatever I want... even if that is nothing... and I did a lot of that... But yesterday I got out and rode my bicycle which felt great. Today I got in the gym and pushed myself on the treadmill... doing sprints faster than I've done before... and It felt amazing that I could do it... I just need to work through my fear of jumping on and off the sides onto a fast moving treadmill so that I can go a little faster. I just push the button to speed up and slow down while i run which isn't extremely effective. I'll get there though.... Anyway, to catch up on the things I'm thankful for...

Thursday, 3 November - The wonderful people at United Way of Tarrant County, the blessing of having the opportunity to work with them during the campaign this year, and for Happy Hour fellowship with them to celebrate Cory's and my entrance into the 9-5 world of stability and consistency.

Friday, 4 November - Spending time with my old friend Sarah (Meadows) Perez... it had been too long and it felt so good to hang out like old times.

(an old pic but a good one)

Saturday, 5 November - For my amazing family that continues to grow...

Today I'm thankful for my the worship service at my church... today's service exemplified the reasons why I chose to make FW1st my home.
Looking forward to my first week at my new job! Hope you all have a wonderful week too!

Successes, Opportunties for Growth and Thanksgivings

Today was an overall successful day. I finished the day with 6 Pts+ points left. I resisted a second chicken enchilada at lunch (which were really good), I resisted pizza and candy and pumpkin pie at the office, I enjoyed sushi/sashimi with a friend for a healthy dinner, and I feel good.
Like any day... there were Opportunities for growth... like the fact that I didn't make it to the gym... I could give you an excuse, but the reality is that I was resistant and just didn't want to go...
But, today I am thankful for grace... because in between the successes and the opportunities for growth is a new-found grace that has taught me that I haven't failed.

11-1-11

On this day of "1's"... Being 11-1-11... I found myself at Day 1 all over again... and it went great!
I came in 5 Pts+ points less than goal and I feel fulfilled.
I also returned to another key ritual in my weight loss success... watching the Biggest Loser... I am three weeks behind but I have them all on my DVR so I started playing catch up tonight... starting with the one where Hannah returns... which was just the inspiration I needed... Thanks Hannah!
In the spirit of the 11th month of the year... the month of my birth as well as the month of Thanksgiving... I will try to post about something I am thankful for every day...
Today I am thankful for hope.

Self-Definition

So... for the sake of stating the obvious... It has been a long time since I've posted... Alot has happened since I last wrote and my body feels it.  Several months ago... I had an interview in Cleveland, Ohio with a highly regarded hospital for a position as a full-time chaplain.  Needless to say, that interview process left much to be desired... not including the fact that I was not offered the position, because after that process, I was certain it was not a good fit for me...
That experience, however, set into motion a downward spiral of emotional, physical and mental destructiveness as I allowed the feedback of one individual to steal my own authority, self-definition and ultimately my power.  One of my biggest regrets that resulted from that interview, and there are many, is that I discontinued my blog... believing that somehow it was crippling me on the job front. Looking back, I realize that the feedback I recieved from that individual revealed more about her than it did about me, but the way I reacted to it (instead of responding) revealed some significant areas of opportunity in my growth, and was worth processing and reflecting on. 
The past several months have encompassed a great deal of heart-ache, stress, despair, hope, transition, healing, future planning, relationship cut-offs and re-building... however painful it may feel, and ultimately... self-definition.  I have been reflecting on, and processing who I am, what I want and what I need.... re-defining what it means to be me... and be me most fully. 
This is a difficult and painful process... not only for me, but also for those in relationship with me as I begin to re-claim what i need in those relationships in ways that feel like me pushing away, distancing or even cutting-off... but ultimately I believe that it is a life-giving process for me, for those I am in relationship with and for the relationships themselves... I have experienced newness and blossoming in my relationships as they take shape in new ways...
So of course... all of that is well and good... but the most important relationship for any of us, is the one we have with ourself, because this relationship is the one that determines the health and vitality of all other relationships we maintain.  And so the time has come for me to recommit myself to me... to revive my relationship with myself... to listen to my inner being and start tending to my own needs with a more intentional and disciplined focus...
When I listen to myself, I hear my body telling me, it's time to pay attention to it... I have gained some weight back... enough that I feel uncomfortable in my own skin again... and I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to allow myself to gain the weight back after I lost it...
So... I renewed my subscription to Weight Watchers Online today and I started tracking again... I already have a membership to 24 Hr fitness, so there's no excuse not to be active...
I start my new job next week and the office (not that I will ever really be in the office) is literally across the street from one of the gyms I go to... so... It's on!
And in the spirit of that recommital... I recommit myself to my blog as well... this blog has been one of the keys to my success, not only because it holds me accountable, but because it is a way for me to share myself and my story with others who are going through the same struggles... not neccessarily only weight struggles, but the battles with our inner selves that cause us to live in less than life-giving ways.  When sharing my story results in other people sharing their stories with me as well, I feel that sense of community and trust that builds mutality and support.  That is why I blog... it is a positive, life-giving form of self-care... one of multiple forms of self-care that I practice... but one that I have found to meet my needs... and I will not make apologies for it.

Real Talk

So... today I realized that my old theological framework is getting in the way of my weight loss... and since I don't have room for that theological framework in my ministry anymore, it doesn't make sense to function out of it in my personal life... so here's some real talk...
Old framework... grace & compassion = niceness... forgiveness... warm fuzzies
New framework... sometimes grace and compassion is messy and raw... for example, you don't coddle and continue to bail out an addict over and over and over again who is self destructing... you confront them about their addiction and acknowledge the destruction around them and refuse to participate in it anymore...
And... since food is my addiction... it's time I have an intervention... for the past several months I have been lurking in this 10 pound rut and every time I get close to this holy threshold of Onederland, I start back into this binge eating frenzy (justifying it with excuses that its healthy food or that I can start over again tomorrow...)  I keep telling myself it's ok, because that's what "we" tell each other... this proverbial "we" of food junkies... but all that does is keep us stuck where we are...
This brand of grace and compassion doesn't work when it comes to destructive behavior... that's why I'm still right where I was three months ago... because I keep telling myself its ok to have this or that... or "it's just a little bit"... and "I'm really stressed this week"... etc etc etc... IT'S NOT WORKING!
And this weight loss thing isn't about looking good in a swimsuit for me... if it were, maybe that dismissive "grace" would be fine... but weight loss for me... for someone my size is about life and about life lived more fully....
I saw a friend of mine today that I haven't seen in probably a year and she was literally in tears when she saw me... and it wasn't because she wants my body... it's because she loves me and she was celebrating my life being lived more fully!  It was convicting... along side the "Muscle Blast" class she drug me to that totally delivered on it's name, leaving my muscles feeling like jello.  So thank you Sarah Pharr for lovingly participating in my intervention today.
I value the relationships that hold me accountable to my weight loss journey... that call me out when I am tumbling off the wagon head first... and remind me that I am worth it to love myself better than I do... those who will eat healthy with me an work out with me and get excited about healthy choices.
SO... The intervention is in full force...
It's time to get in my own face and stay there.... put down the after dinner Weight Watcher's snacks and the fruit and all the other healthy snacks that defeat their purpose in large quantities.... pop a piece of sugar free gum... and walk away from the kitchen.

Because being morbidly obese is not an acceptable fashion statement... it's not a funny joke to laugh about with one another or a bonding point to perpetuate one another's unhealthy lifestyles by being cohorts in feeding each other's addictions... it's a personal statement of self-worth and self-respect.. and I am tired of communicating that I don't care about myself without having to say a word...

When it comes to weight loss, grace is only effective when it's the exception, not the rule!

Headed back to the gym tomorrow and I'm pumped!

R&R

Well, it's the last day of my vacation and it has truly been refreshing.  I have spent my days hanging out with Reece and my evenings giggling and laughing with Jen.  Baby's and laughter are certainly therapeutic.  I've also been staying active.  Saturday, Sunday and Monday I took at least 30 minute walks... then Tuesday I decided to earn my WW 5k charm... so I walked 3.1 miles...  Wednesday I walked 3.3 mi...  Thursday I walked 3.5 mi... and today I walked 4.25 mi.
It's been fun pushing myself each day.  I am looking forward to getting on my bike again when I get back home... and back in the gym.  If I can keep this up I will have no problems reaching my goal before my interview and I believe that breaking into Onederland will be breaking through this wall that has me stuck.  I know that the weight will not come off as fast as it did in the beginning, but I believe that I will be able to get out of this 10 lb yo-yo and start losing consistently again.
I am so grateful for the opportunity to take a vacation!  It came at just the right time!  YAY for PTO... I haven't even checked my work email!  :)

Baby Binging My Way into Onederland!

So... seeing as how it's been ages since I've blogged... lots has happened since then.  The biggest being my phone interview... Wednesday I had a phone interview for a hospital chaplain position at the Cleveland Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio.  The interview went very well and they invited me up for a face-to-face interview on June 23rd.  I'm really nervous and really excited and I decided that this is exactly what I need to get me going on my weight loss journey again.  I have been stuck emotionally for several months... processing the frustration of road blocks in my job search as personal rejection and I let this emotion dig me into a deep, muddy hole of depression .  I was functioning out of this false sense of reality that if I work hard, I can achieve anything... I can attain anything... because that has always "worked" for me before.  Now that I'm graduated and ordained, and putting myself out into the world as "Rev. Megan Elizabeth Lilburn, M.Div" for the first time, it's not working anymore... and that disrupted my worldview.  Recently I've reframed this difficult battle to accept that while it's disappointing not to get offers on these jobs I have applied to, it's not a personal rejection, just a reflection of the competitive and highly saturated job market for chaplains. Thursday in my CPE unit evals I explained this new reframing as allowing me to get unstuck...  I finally sat down, put down the shovel and let things dry up a little... I know I'm not out of my hole yet, but I'm not stuck anymore either.  It's still going to take some work to climb out of the hole I dug for myself... but at least I put away my shovel, gave myself time to grieve, and started the work of climbing out.  So... as I make my way out of my emotional hole, I know that it is time to get out of my weight-loss hole too and get my butt in full gear again.... and so I set a new goal of dropping into Onederland before my interview... that means losing about nine pounds in about 4 weeks... which really should not be that hard if I can stay focused....
And watching The Biggest Loser Finale helped too... I totally want to be Hannah!
So Onderland, here I come... but of course... I set this goal just in time to go on vacation!
And... stereotypically speaking... vacations carry with them the fear of putting on extra pounds.
I'm spending the week in Roswell, New Mexico with my best friend Jen and her family... and part of the deal is that I get to keep her baby Reece at home with me while Jen and Matt work.  So... I'm mostly sitting "at home" all day playing with Reece... but when he's sleeping... prime snack time, right?  You would think... but I've been rocking the plan this week!
I'm not sure if it's because I'm not at my own home so I'm not as comfortable snacking or if it's because I am feeling committed to my new goal... but so far, it's been a really great week.  And it helps that Jen is committed to eating healthy too so she is a really good influence on me and a great buddy for eating right!

So Friday night Matt grilled Steak and Zuchini.  Saturday Jen and I drove to Ruidoso and went to the horse races and lost our whole $10 a piece... we each bet $5 a piece on different horses to show in 2 races and we both lost both races... pretty lame!  Then she took me out to dinner at Casa Blanca... for some excellent Chile Rellenos.  So yeah, Chile Rellenos aren't exactly "being good" but it was the first day of my Weight Watchers week, because I usually weigh-in on Saturdays, so I had all my "weekly points plus" and I had only used 14 "daily points plus" for breakfast and dinner... so I am still on track with more than enough "weekly points plus" points left.  That is part of the beauty of Weight Watchers!
For breakfast I've been having Bagel sandwiches with Bagel Thins, 1/3 less fat Cream Cheese and Deli Fresh turkey slices with an orange or a grapefruit (for a 6 point breakfast).  For Lunch I've been making sandwiches with Bagel Thins, Weight Watchers spreadable Swiss Cheese wedges, Avocado and a Boca burger pattie (for an 8 point lunch).  Last night Matt grilled chicken and veggie kabobs.  Tonight Jen is making Poblanos stuffed with lean ground turkey, brown rice, reduced fat cheese and rotel (an 8 point dinner).  Tomorrow night I am making Chicken Amore.  Wednesday night I'm making turkey burgers stuffed with reduced fat string cheese and steamed broccoli.  Thursday night I'm cooking Soy Glazed Salmon and Soy Glazed Green Beans.
I've been snacking on fruit and resisting Matt's Doritos, even though they are tempting... so  I got some Quaker Quakes Rice Cake Snacks instead. 
I've gone for at least a 30 minute walk every day.  This morning I woke up and ate my breakfast, then Reece woke up and I fed him and we went for a long walk.  He fell asleep by the time we got home and I took a shower while he napped.  Then we played some more until he went down for another nap at noon.  Jen and Matt came home at lunch and we ate lunch and then Reece woke up and I seasoned the chicken and ground turkey while they played with him.  It's been lots of fun... truly the good life!  I joked earlier today with Caitlin that I was Baby Binging... instead of food binging... eating up all the baby time I can while I can!  Quality baby time is a supreme substitute for food... I'll take it any day!
I fully expect that I will be right on target this week and look forward to weighing in when I get back in town... and until then... I am having lots of fun!

Stress Eating Keeps Me Stuck

Wow... so it's been a loooong time... probably because weight loss is not going so well... I'm just sort of hanging in the balance... everyday I have to start over... last week I only lost 0.2 lbs but at least it was a loss...
I am trying all the recommended "tricks"...
trying new foods... changing things up... using my weekly points plus on weekends or special occasions instead of spreading them out over the week. 
My new favorite veggie treat is butternut squash fries... they're fantastic.  You just cut up a squash in fry-like pieces, spray the pan with olive oil cooking spray, spread the fries out, spray the tops with a little olive oil cooking spray and season (I use a little garlic salt and cayenne pepper). 
I've changed up breakfast... sometimes it's steel cut oats with dried fruit, sometimes its eggs, sometimes its an english muffin with PB2, sometimes I go back to my old faithful strawberry banana protein smoothie...
I've been bringing my lunch to work so I'm not tempted to eat whatever sounds good in the cafeteria, ie. PIZZA... 
I've been riding my bike to work...
But I haven't had the drive to get to the gym... and when I get home... I snack... lots of fruits mostly, but that doesn't help with weight loss... So the journey continues... I'm ready to conquer this stress hump and get moving again! 

Start-Over Sundays!

It's another start-up day... the past several weeks have been less than ideal and so has my diet... 

which obviously reflected on the scale yesterday when I went to the Weight Watchers meeting on Hulen for the first time.  So... it's time to get my butt in gear again!  

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and stocked up on good foods to help me get back on track and spent today cooking and cleaning... trying once again to get back on board!

Got some fruits and veggies and lean meats...

So... 

for breakfast I had steel cut oats cooked with dried cranberries, dried blueberries and and raisins!

(7 PPV)

For lunch I had a delicious new creation...

Sun-Dried Tomato FlatOut (3 PPV)

1/3 c pizza sauce (1 PPV)

1/2 c shredded cheese (4 PPV)

Sauteed artichoke hearts and broccoli florets (FREE)

I made an extra pizza for tomorrow (when I am stuck at work for 28 hrs)

I made my favorite Mashed Cauliflower and Butternut Squash Soup and portioned them out for the week...

I made butternut Squash fries for a snack today... just sliced the squash in strips and sprayed it with a little Olive Oil, sprinkled it with salt and cooked it on 350 for 30 min. 

Delicious!

I got some frozen Smart Ones and Lean Cuisine meals too... for those days that I need to leave for work in a rush, so that I don't wing it in the cafeteria.

I am starting over again again and hoping that maybe I can divert my attention and focus and stresses into the one thing I have control over these days!

So... here it goes!

Today was successful... until the migraine now that won't go away!  Going to bed and praying for success tomorrow too!

Confessions of a Grieving Pastor

Blogging has been on my mind a lot lately... because I am acutely aware that it is yet another thing in my world that I feel I am failing at lately... and ultimately it ties into the running theme of this season in my life... While those of us who are Christians just celebrated Easter yesterday, and the resurrection and promise of new life that it means to us, I find myself still stuck in Holy Saturday... stuck in grief and sadness and a heaviness that won't lift.
Now, I know this blog has been set up as primarily a blog of my weight loss journey, but the reality is, it's called "Uncovering Me: Shedding my Hide" and there is a whole lot more involved in the vulnerability and humility that requires than specifically weight loss related exploration, and of course, what I know about my journey is that, directly or indirectly, because of the nature of addictions, regardless of the substance of choice, there is nothing that isn't tied to my weight and my relationship with myself, and with my substance of choice.
A few weeks ago, my parents came to visit us in Fort Worth and on the last day, while we were at lunch, Mom shared with me that she could see the absence of peace within me.  She was right.  I am living in turmoil and anxiety and fear and shame and... ultimately grief. 
Part of my Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) Residency involves having weekly "Individual Supervision" for one hour with just me and my supervisor, as well as a weekly "Interpersonal Relations" seminary with the rest of my CPE peers and our supervisors.  The past couple of weeks have been difficult as I have poured myself out and allowed myself to be vulnerable in these places, but apparently not vulnerable enough, because my shame and my pride prevent me from being completely exposed... and ultimately that deadly pair are my worst enemy. 
In IPR one of my peers called me a spoiled brat... that was tough to hear!  I just said thank you when she was finished yelling at me... and then continued to figure out what it meant throughout the rest of the day... I didn't cry... I kept a face solid as stone... but of course, that can't last forever... and the tears that came later that day poured out like a fountain flooding over...  Somewhere in there, after the berading and before the flood, I received an email through facebook in response to a posting I had made on a FB group called "Sisters of the Cloth" where I asked for prayers in my search for a ministry position.  The email was from a woman who had been a Peace Intern at my church camp my senior year of high school, when I was president of the state youth group.  She just wanted to let me know that she remembered me and my leadership fondly... It was humbling and affirming, but frustrating at the same time... because I know I'm a good leader... I know I'm a good minister... but somehow that doesn't matter... it's not good enough! 
Later that day I asked my supervisor for some supervision time and he got in my face too... He has been beating his head against a wall the past weeks trying to open my eyes and help me out... He has repeatedly challenged me to acknowledge that something is dying... and I am not going to be able to move forward until I honor what is dying and allow myself to grieve... only I can't for the life of me figure out what it is that's dying.  He has hinted that it might have something to do with my dysfunctional set of standards for myself that are ultimately crippling me... this idea that my success is measured by a timeline of my accomplishments (or lack thereof) and the reality that life hasn't played out the way I imagined... not that it ever does for anyone... and I guess that does make me a "spoiled brat" to think that I would be different or special... but as my future charges at me like a fast-moving train, with my current residency position coming to a jolting halt in September... and, as much as I'm ashamed to admit that I care, the fact that my 30th birthday is creeping up... I guess maybe I'm grieving that I'm not where I'd hoped I would be... and that due to my own human limitations... I have no earthly clue what my future holds... my desires and passions are on hold and there's nothing I can do... and I'm searching for peace... and I feel sometimes as though I have found it... and I can feel myself just allowing myself to be in the present and not worry about the future... I find myself laughing with loved ones, singing in the car at the top of my lungs with the windows down and the wind blowing in my hair... but ultimately I keep coming back to this dark place where I feel alone and ashamed and trapped, suffocated and paralyzed by my own lack of faith and I wonder, how in the world can I be a spiritual leader with such a fleeting faith?  How can I expect the patients, families and staff in my hospital to feel safe with me when they are exposed and vulnerable if I can't allow myself to do the same with the people who love me and know me... The problem is, that in order to be fully loved... we have to be fully known, otherwise we're only loved as much as we're known... and in order to be fully known... we have to be transparent and vulnerable... and that requires putting away shame and pride in order to be real with people... Shame and pride can lead to deep loneliness... surrounded by people who want to love you... but can't unless you let them in.
So in the spirit of "uncovering myself" and "shedding my hide" I am trying to challenge myself to be more humble and transparent and less driven by shame and pride...
I am grieving... so I hope that you can be patient with me... I'm not asking to be coddled... In fact, call me out if you feel I need it... just don't give up on me... I promise I am trying...

Feel Good Friday

Wow! I seriously am the worst blogger of the century... I keep telling myself that I will do better and then realize that I am just getting worse!  I know that part of my absence in the blogging world has been a manifestation of my absence from the world in general lately... the past several weeks I have been battling a great deal of anxiety... as I alluded to in my last blog, but didn't really explore in great deal with you... but I am going through a challenging time right now... since I have been ordained I guess I have been aiming for the next mark... you know once you reach the bar, you set the bar higher and reach that bar... and it's always been something... from graduating high school, to graduating college, to graduating seminary, to ordination... now it's getting a full-time job as a staff chaplain and working towards Board Certification... and those are just my own personal goals... there are also the goals that Cedric and I are working on together for us and for our future family... Over the past several weeks it has been more real how scarce the job market is for chaplain positions... not only in the DFW area, but really all over the states... I know people that have been searching for a year and still been unable to find something and that is scary... Since I entered the work force, I have never been without a job, and even more than that... I've never been without a job that offers full benefits.  To think that I may be slinging coffee again just to get benefits after 11 years of school, a B.A. and a Masters really blows my mind.  (Not that there is anything wrong with working for Starbucks... because I did love it and I am sure I would enjoy it again for a while... but that is not what I invested my time and money in an education to do eleven years later...) So... without completing unloading the entirety of my anxieties on you, I think it's pretty clear where my anxiety comes from... and one of my responses to that has been to retreat into myself.  To spend more time alone doing mindless things and throw myself into my work when I'm at work.  My peers at work have been an excellent support group as well as seeking some outside help... and I do think that I am functioning at a more normal level... but I know that the train coming at me cannot be stopped, and I don't know yet what that train is carrying.   
Despite my anxieties and stresses, instead of throwing myself into food (especially with as much time as I spend home alone during these low times), I have been throwing myself into my new Weight Watchers Points Plus plan and learning as much as I can about how to make it work for me, and I am pleased to report that I weighed in again this week at Weight Watchers and I lost another 2.4 pounds... so now I have officially lost a total of 58.2 since the beginning of this journey that began back on the 5th of October at Medi Weight Loss!  That is almost 60 lbs in 6 months... I am really glad that it's starting to come off more easily again... and I am back in that 2-3 lbs a week range.  I really think that the change in food options and incorporating new foods back into my diet has been a tremendous factor in getting back on track.
Some of my new treats that were pretty much off limits before and now some are even considered *power foods

*Banana with Chocolate PB2
*Baked potato
English muffin with PB2
Smart Pop Popcorn in the 100 calorie bags

Triscuits with Laughing Cow cheese wedges
*SALADS loaded with veggies!
Weight Watchers ice cream bars... there's a toffee crunch one and a snickers one that are AWESOME!
Whole Wheat Pasta (in moderation)

It's so nice to not be limited by what I CAN or CAN'T have but what I CHOOSE instead... (Yes Mom, you can totally say "I told you so!")  Like last night I got to have enchiladas at Tres Jose's because I had the points and I chose not to get a margarita so that I didn't eat into my weekly points.
I am still excited about the transition... It doesn't hurt that I fit into a smokin' hot dress last night that I bought for Ordination but didn't feel comfortable wearing yet... and I don't mean to toot my own horn... but I was smokin'!  And it felt good... It felt good to feel good about myself... to play dress up and not feel like I was trying to hide behind glitter and glam but instead be accentuating my natural beauty and not hiding.
It's been a long and winding road with hills and valleys and I know it's never going to end... but at least now I am rolling down the windows... letting my hair down and soaking up the sun... singing at the top of my lungs...
I really think it's helping bring me out of this funk I've been in too!  I hope I can lean into those moments more and not let myself sink into the other moments for quite so long, but still honoring all the emotions that are real and valid and part of my journey.  I think another thing that has been helpful has been good friendships that are supportive and life giving... and spending time with people who are life giving... those that are tried and true and those that are somewhat new! 
Peace Out for now!

Wake Up Wednesday

So I went to Medi yesterday to get what I thought would be my last mid-week injection and to "break up" with them, and I was very sad about it!  Medi has transformed me and the women there have been so supportive and encouraging along the way.  I have experienced not only a physical transformation but emotional and mental transformation as well and I think that while I have been playing with the idea of transitioning to Weight Watchers, I was resistant because I was battling anticipatory grief and I felt like i wasn't being faithful... But as I should have known, the women there were so incredibly wonderful.  They totally understood what I needed and why I need a change and agreed that it would be a healthy change right now and it affirmed for me that not only do I know my body and can I trust myself to know what its telling me, but also it affirmed how invested they really are in me and in my weight loss journey.  So, we talked about the "Wellness Phase" which is generally for people who have reached their goal and are ready for maintenance... of which I have not and am not... but they are still going to allow me to transition into that phase, which means I can still come in once a week for my shots, and once a month for my weigh-ins and vitals... and instead of costing me $80 a week, it will only cost $35 a month.  So between this, in tandem with my transition onto the Weight Watchers plan and my weekly meetings/weigh-ins there, I really believe that I will be taking this journey to the next level.  I got myself back to the gym yesterday... and rode my bicycle there and around the neighborhood also... I feel better and I am getting OCD about planning and tracking my meals.
This morning I had a Whole Grain English Muffin with one serving of PB2 and a dash of honey, and a Strawberry Banana Protein Smoothie, for a total of 7 points. It was so delicious, so filling and so satisfying! I feel like a new person today. 
Last night I had 4 oz Barilla Plus pasta and 6 oz of shrimp for dinner for a total of 15 points but it was totally worth it!  I have so missed pasta!
The best part is... I saw a number on the scale this morning that I have never seen... or at least not in the past 5 years.  So I know this is already a good thing!
The most interesting piece of this is how much I have noticed a difference in my level of anxiety... I recognize that I have made a few life changes that are probably affecting that... I do believe that this is refreshing me and giving me some new life and some peace.  I think I finally feel like I have control over my body again instead of it controlling me, so I am celebrating that today!  I have felt a little like a zombie the past several weeks and today, I really feel awake and it feels good...

Change Is Good

So, it's been a while since I posted... and I know I haven't been very regular about it... it's just another one of those things in my life, sort of like everything else right now, that I feel like I am doing a half-a**ed job at!  And seeing as how stress and anxiety are definitely triggers for me when it comes to eating... I am amazed that I haven't blown up like a balloon... I am happy to report, though, that I have continued to lose... not very rapidly of course but last week I lost another 2 lbs and total I have lost 56.2 pounds as of last Fri... which feels really good. 
I did however make a pretty difficult decision this weekend... A few weeks ago I joined Weight Watchers at Work, but I didn't commit to it... basically I was cheating on Medi with WW meetings and not committing to either plan very well... but Friday sort of sealed the deal for me.  I have been craving foods lately that I cannot have... not just bad food... but good food too... I want to eat more fruits and veggies.  I want to have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast or a piece of toast.  And I am the type of person who likes control, who likes to be independent and self-directing and when I feel like I am being told no... I rebel... so Friday... I went out with some of my minister women friends to my favorite restaurant, Gloria's, and got my favorite dish, the Pollo con Champiniones... and I ate the whole dang thing plus a margarita swirl... I know, disgusting right!  But once upon a time, I would eat that and not think twice about it... but OH MY GOD!  Apparently my stomach has shrunk DRASTICALLY since then, because I have never been in so much pain... I am pretty sure I will never eat that dish again because by the time I got over to my brother's house where my family was, I was ready to either throw up or slice my guts open I was in so much pain. 
Luckily, Mom and Dad were in town this weekend and they do Weight Watchers and have been encouraging me to make the switch from the beginning and I realized that at this point in time, it really is probably the best way for me to keep going, because now I can have those things that I want, and I am learning a lifestyle instead of dieting... I will forever be grateful for Medi and how far I was able to go, and for what I did learn on that program, but I needed a little more freedom in my life right now...
So much of the rest of my world is just so chaotic and limiting... I literally feel stuck and walk around with a huge ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach and my muscles are so stiff... I am grasping for ways that I can get some control.  So, I switched over to Weight Watchers, I spent a bunch of time on the e-tools yesterday planning out some simple meals for the first week and cooking and portioning.  I had popcorn yesterday and it was delicious!  I had a baked potato for lunch today and it's a "power food"... such a switch from it being completely off-limits before.  I am looking forward to cooking new things and enjoying more diverse foods... foods that are healthy that have been off-limits since October.
I really think that this will be a good change... and a change that will give me some grasp on something right now when I feel like I am loosing my footing.  I think that I am seeking changes on such a huge scale right now, that being able to make changes in small ways is bringing me some anxiety relief... from changing my diet plan to painting my fingernails a new color every day, I am trying to live in the present when I am yearning for the future.  I am so grateful for my family, for Cedric and for my friends who are keeping me sane, right now - I don't know what I would do without them. 
I am excited about starting WW because I have a much larger support system who are already doing Weight Watchers, because I do Weight Watchers at work and my friend Kathy has already been very successful with it, Mom and Dad have been very successful with it... and the best part is... it's free... or at least the meetings are.  So... here comes a new chapter in my Weight Loss Journey Book.  I look forward to discovering new recipes and posting those... and telling you about my new adventures on my bicycle that Jake and Ashley got me... I'm not gonna lie... it's pretty cute.  I will post a picture of me on it soon!
Anyway,  maybe all this change will get me re-motivated with my blogging... hopefully so!

Listening

Well, I weighed in this morning... I lost another 5 lbs of fat, and gained some water, so my total loss for the week was 1.4 which brings the total to an even 54 pounds.  I've been a little frustrated lately because it's been creeping off a lot slower than I was used to when I first started, but I know it was because I wasn't on top of things... Seeing that 5 lb fat loss this week was really encouraging that my body's ability to lose rapidly has not plateaued... I had come to a mental plateau!  Now that I am back on top of it, I am confident that the weight will continue to melt off... Especially since I am staying committed to exercise... I have a routine of going to the gym Tues-Sat, with Sun and Mon being my off days, but still doing something active those days... even when I don't want to.  Tuesday I didn't quite follow-through... but that will not happen again!  Also... I am newly committed to taking the stairs instead of the elevators... working in the hospital, that provides A WHOLE LOT of opportunity to take the stairs... and I am proud to report... that today I only took the elevator once, and that was because I was going to a crisis call and I wasn't sure where the stairs were to get from where I was to where I needed to be in a short amount of time!
I am also using my balance ball and kettle ball at home while I watch TV in the evenings... I'm staying focused!
As I have been focused and committed and working hard, what has really really been on my heart this week is a new awareness of the influence that I have on those around me... not only as I have blogged about certain things, and found that has created a space for people to open up to me and share with me some of their battles and struggles.... but now as the weight continues to come off and people can visibly see a drastic change in me... in my body and in my presence... people not only compliment me and encourage me, but more and more people are looking to me for direction... sharing their weight battles and the emotional struggles that are connected to it... some even asking for advice about how to eat and about working out... which for me is so bizarre!
I know that it's something I have become passionate about, but I still don't feel like someone who is knowledgeable about such things... I still have so far to go!  What I am realizing though, is that people aren't asking me for my knowledge based expertise, they are connecting with my experience and seeking my experiential expertise... As I have shared with several different women about our own individual experiences of what got us to that unhealthy place, what keeps us stuck and how I get myself unstuck (because it isn't a one-time deal... it's like being in the Fire Swamp where you never know when you'll be swallowed into a pit of quick-sand, a spontaneous ball of fire or be attacked by those hideous R.O.U.S (that's a "rodent of unusual size" for those of you who are not fans of the classic "The Princess Bride")... I have started to wonder what it would look like to get us all in the same room... I wonder if we could all be vulnerable with one another in a group setting the way we are one-on-one... I wonder if these women who have trusted me, could also trust one another... I believe there may be some potential for us to minister to one another... and I'm not sure, but I think that God may be using me as the one to bring us together... 
I am praying about it and leaving the door open to see what may come of that, but the thought is sort of exciting right now....
Hope you all have a great weekend... Cedric and I have a date tonight... we are going to the Mavs game!  I am pretty excited... need to figure out what I'm going to wear!

Party Like a Rock Star

So, I know it's been a long time since I've written... life got a little crazy... I was ordained last weekend... An event I had been looking forward to for half of my lifetime really!  And I don't think I realized how stressed out I was about it until I was sitting in the midst of the weekend with my friends and family and realized how high my anxiety was, and how much I was taking it out on those around me... I didn't realize how much it was affecting my eating habits either until after the fact... I knew I had fallen off the wagon... not drastically but I wasn't planning my meals, measuring them out, logging what I ate... It's not like I was eating a bunch of stuff I shouldn't... I just wasn't paying attention... and I could feel it in my body and in my energy level.  Saturday, the day of my ordination, I made a conscious decision not to worry about it, and just enjoy the day... I made yummy scrambled eggs for breakfast because the cooking kept me busy and calm.  At the reception I didn't have any cake, I ate the insides of the sandwiches and left the bread, and I ate fruits and veggies, but I did have a glass of raspberry sherbet punch... my favorite!  After the reception at the church, we had a party at Grammy's and I enjoyed a glass of champagne and some celebratory tequila shots (because they're carb free) but I didn't overdo it.  Sunday, when we got back in town, I decided to make Monday a restart day, and so Cedric and I went to Fuzzy's where I enjoyed my favorite nachos - but still didn't eat them all, like I would have once upon a time... I just ate until I was full!  Monday I started over with the planning and the logging and the pre-measuring and portioning out.  I thought for sure that I had gained the previous week and so whatever I lost this week would just level it out, and at best I would maintain... but, I weighed in Friday morning and I had lost 1.4 lbs.
It felt really good but what I think felt even better, was knowing that even when I was stressed out and then celebrating, I made different decisions than I would have before and that even on the day that I wasn't restricting myself to what I was "allowed" to have, I ate what I wanted to and I still made good decisions... I didn't eat cake just because it was there.  I didn't eat the bread on the sandwiches just because it was there, I ate what I wanted to eat and left the rest.  And just because I was treating myself to my favorite nachos and intentionally allowing myself to eat something very unhealthy, I didn't eat all of it just for the sake of it, I ate what I wanted to eat, and left the rest.  

1.4 lbs in two weeks is not very impressive, but it was still a lost during the most stressful two weeks I've had in a long time and during the biggest celebration of my life so far!

So, I "celebrate the 1.4 lbs and move forward" as Mom encouraged me to do.

I also started going to Weight Watchers at Work meetings this week... I am still following my Medi diet because it feels safer, while I get my mind around WW to try and see if I want to switch, but I figure, whichever diet I follow, it is still beneficial in that I am weighing in mid-week now too which is double the accountability, and I am establishing a new support group with people I work with. The point is, that whichever way I go about it, I am staying committed to being healthy and conitnuing to lose weight so that I can feel good physically and emotionally.

Last night I went to one of Cedric's friends weddings and had to find something to wear... I found a fabulous dress at Ross for twenty bucks and I felt like a rock star... I've never felt super confident with all of his friends because they are such a close group of people... they've been friends for a long time and I know how important they are to him... Between my introvertedness and my insecurities about my weight, I have never been very outgoing... As I have lost the weight and started to gain some confidence, I have felt more comfortable in general, particularly around them, and last night I think was the first time I let myself go enough to dance and just have fun... and I did!

So much fun that today I slept in and forgot it was daylight savings and so I missed church (not very cool for the week after my ordiantion).  But it was beautiful outside and so when I finally did wake up, I opened the windows and I spent the day cleaning house (mostly the kitchen) and cooking and preparing for the week.  

I made mashed cauliflower... 

using my new magic bullet to blend it up really smooth and WOW... it's so amazing!  I used 

2 heads of cauliflower 

1 cup Fage 0% Plain Greek Yogurt 

3 Laughing Cow Garlic and Herb cheese wedges 

and blended it up till it was smooth like mashed potatoes... 

it made 4 cups, which I divided up into eight 1/2 cup servings for 

40 cal 

1.2 g fat 

3.5 net carbs

4.5 g protein

Yesterday I made blue cheese stuffed burgers... 

4 oz Laura's 4% fat ground beef

1 Laughing Cow, Light Blue Cheese wedge

I just seasoned the meat and then made a little bowl out of the meat, put a wedge inside and folded the meat around the cheese and cooked them on 350 for 30 min.  Each patty has

175 cal

5.5 g fat

2 net carbs

26 g protein 

I also made the bratwurst sauteed with apples, onions and habeneros...

and some ground turkey sauteed with onions, poblanos, and habeneros for tacos

so I have some variety for the week.
I also have some butternut squash to figure out something to do with at some point in time this week too!  So... yay for experimenting with healthy recipes!

And here's to praying for strength and strong will to stick to it and have better numbers on the scale!

If the truth be told...

"If the truth be told..."

It's a phrase you use to start a sentence when you're are trying to get at the elephant in the room, particularly the elephant you can't see... The purpose is to extend and invitation to be honest with one's self and with God... to be vulnerable enough to be authentic, even if it means speaking out loud a though or idea or fear that seems "wrong" or scary.  Being authentic means being vulnerable and being vulnerable means taking a risk... a risk that people will honor the sacredness of what you are offering them and provide a safe space to wrestle with your own demons and sometimes with God.  The thing about it is, how do you know who to trust?  How do you know when and where you will be safe?  Well, if the truth be told, you don't.  You don't ever know for sure that your honesty and authenticity will be honored... that's why it's a risk... that is precisely what makes it such a vulnerable place to be... and why so often, we miss out on opportunities to be in authentic relationship with one another... either because we don't want to risk being authentic with another or because we can't figure out how to be open to another in a way that invites them to be authentic with us... and most of the time, these two go hand in hand.

About a month ago I got an email from an old classmate.  I really enjoyed hearing from her and what she had to share with me, but it got me to thinking about the "me" she knew.  I thought back to that time in my life and the only thing I could remember was how self-absorbed I was back then.  I was really ashamed of myself when I thought of who I was back then, despite the fact that I was only 12 or 13 years old, and I when I responded to her email I mentioned this and asked for her forgiveness if I had ever been mean.  This week I received another email from her and she told me that what she remembered about me was not the "hateful me" but a different me... a version of me that resonates more with the me that I strive to be today.  It was really powerful for me... and brought me to tears actually. It reminded me that sometimes what counts, is who we are when nobody is looking... that doesn't mean that we are excused of oppressive or hateful behaviors that are public... but the reality is that who we are when we think that no one is looking, is probably as authentic as it gets.  It was also a reminder to me that everyone has a choice of how they choose to go through life... we can choose to remember the bad, the pain and the hatefulness or we can choose to remember the good in others and and ourselves and to let that fuel us to continue to work towards peace and liberation. This correspondence with her has also made me wish that my own inability to be authentic and provide a safe space for others to be authentic with me hadn't caused me to miss the opportunity to know her back then... and thankful for the opportunity to begin doing that now. 

At the end of the day, if the truth be told, how do I choose to engage the world this day and how do I plan to engage it tomorrow?

On another note, I lost another 2.2 pounds this week!  It's coming off slow, but at least it's still coming off.  I won't be weighing in this week because I will be in Oklahoma for my Ordination this weekend.  I am still putting the finishing touches on the bulletin but the worship liturgy is done.  I am pretty excited but so incredibly freaked out... I know that as soon as I send it off, it's final... and why that scares me, I don't know... but it does.  It's such a big deal!  I don't even really know how to explain...  It's going to be a big day!
Hope to see lots of you there, but for those of you who won't be there... Have a good week... I have a feeling I won't have much time to blog between now and then!

Where's your Sanctuary?

So I was supposed to weigh-in Friday, but I woke up at 4:45am with a debilitating migraine and by the time I woke up, I really had to go to work... so, I will have to wait until this Friday.  Then, the next Friday I will be out of town so I guess I am in an "every 2 weeks" pattern... this has the potential to be very good or very bad...  On the one hand, if I lose like I did last week, it could be very encouraging to see the double digit losses, which could fuel me to keep on my grind!  On the other hand, it gives me more time in between each weigh-in, which can be dangerous.  

Today, I choose to make it work for my health... 

This past week, the Pastoral Care Department of Texas Health Harris Methodist Fort Worth hosted a Faith Community Leadership Summit.  We brought in Terry Hershey as our keynote speaker.  There were many meaningful truths that were powerful for me, one of which being a neat realization for me... 

See, one of the hardest things for people to do is to give our self permission to care for our self... and ministers are the worst.  Terry invited us to really think about the ways that we honor the Sabbath... the way that Jesus modeled throughout his entire ministry... honoring the Spirit of the Sabbath, not the Law...  Even in His ministry, he had to say, "No" to others so that he could say "Yes" to restoring His soul, and after teaching and healing in large crowds of people, he would go away by himself to be alone.  He was modeling for each of us what it means to care for our self so that we have something left to give to the world, and it is something that we all have to be intentional about.... 

Now, this concept is not new to me... it's something that I practice, not all the time of course, but what was a realization for me was realizing what that means to me these days... He asked us to take a moment to think about where our Sanctuary is... that place where we find rest and feed our souls... and that Sanctuary is different for each and every person... my realization was that, for me, that place is at the gym... Never in my life have I ever thought that if someone asked me how I restore my soul, my first thought would be "working out."  It was an exciting realization, made even more exciting yesterday as I was running on the treadmill and kept running... I was thoroughly amazed with myself as I just kept running longer than I have ever been able to do before and didn't get short of breath.  

When I'm doing cardio I try to keep my heart rate upwards of the 70% - 80% range of my resting heart rate... which is supposed to be the "Fat Burning Zone"...  and I have noticed lately that I have had to increase the incline to get to that zone.  (Since my little accident where I sprained my ankle and flew off the back of the treadmill, I have been scared to increase the speed, but yesterday I thought I would give it a try.)  I had "Girl Talk" going on my headphones which really keeps me focused... and I started jogging... I felt so good that I upped the speed a little more and started running... not very fast of course, but running none the less, and I kept waiting for the shortness of breath... but it didn't come... so I just kept going and got a little embarrassed when I realized I was grinning from ear to ear as I ran.  What can I say, it felt really good... and it hit me... this is what it feels like to "let my body catch up with my soul."

Of course, that is not the only way I know to restore my soul... 

spending time with my family restores my soul...  

Skyping with Alicia and Jack Jack...  

A hug from Cedric... 

Talking to Jen... 

Happy Hour with close friends... 

Sitting on my couch on Tuesday evenings with a  healthy meal, watching The Biggest Loser...

...all restore my soul!

So, as I leave you this Sabbath Day, I wonder... where is your Sanctuary?  

Where do you go to find rest and restore your soul? 
Today, I am going to honor it using my creativity to cook... the first creation is this delicious salad...

salmon, avocado, baby bella mushrooms, and Walden Farms Raspberry Vinaigrette

 

Chicken Amore!

I got this recipe from my friend Kathy, who got it from HungryGirl.com and then I amended it for myself.

So, the way that I made it, it's...

2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, tenderized until flat (approx 4 oz)

salt, pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, basil

1 portobella mushroom, sliced

2 Laughing Cow Light Swiss Wedges

1 cup Amy's Organic Chunky Tomato Bisque (Light in Sodium if you can find it)

1/2 cup of Fage Fat Free Greek Yogurt

1/4 tsp Italian Seasoning

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

After the chicken has been beaten flat/tenderized, season to taste with the salt, pepper, garlic, and onion.

Cook the portabello slices in a pan on med-high heat for about 4 min on each side, until soft, (using non-stick spray).

Spread 1 Laughing Cow wedge a piece on the underside of each chicken breast and sprinkle with basil, then lay slices of cooked portabello over the top.

Tightly roll the chicken breasts, with the filling inside and fasten with toothpicks. 

Place rolled chicken breasts in casserole dish and cover with foil, cooking for 15 minutes.

Remove foil and continue cooking for another 15 minutes.

While the chicken is cooking, combine the Tomato Bisque, Fat Free Greek Yogurt and italian seasonings and place in microwave safe bowl.  

When chicken is done and removed from oven, cook sauce until warm (1-3 minutes depending on your microwave, in 1 min increments, stirring in between)

This recipe is absolutely to die for...

Kathy put spinach in the filling as well and said it was great that way.

The HG recipe included roast red peppers in the filling but I skipped on those.  

It truly is delicious and made this way, it has

261 cal

6.3 g fat

14 net carbs

34 g protein
If I had the calories to spend, I would have paired this with Shiratake Tofu Spaghetti noodles for only an extra 40 cal... and for Cedric, it will top a bed of Barilla Plus Spaghetti noodles!

10.6

Heck yeah!

I finally weighed in this morning, after 2 1/2 weeks and dang it felt good...

I lost 10.6 lbs for a total loss now of 51 pounds in 18 weeks!

I lost DOUBLE DIGITS DUDE!

I mean, I know that it was over 2 1/2 weeks and not just one week, but I still feel like I finally know what the Biggest Loser contestants feel when they lose double digits.

To be honest, I don't really know what else to say.... I think the scale said it all this morning!

Hope you have a great Friday!  

I am excited about the sun and praying that it warms up!

Shiratake Tofu Noodles saved my diet tonight

I was too hungry and it looked too good to take the time to grab the good camera... 

so I snapped a shot with my iPhone....

This is Shiratake Fettuccine Alfredo... and it is what saved me... 

I have been craving Fettuccine Alfredo like nobody's business, and I pass an Italian restaurant every day on my way to and from work... and every day I have to say NO.

So, yesterday, on the way home from the doctor, I stopped at the new Sprouts and got some Shiratake Tofu Noodles (Thank you Kathy) and on the back it had a recipe for this Alfredo... 

and I looked forward to it all day... 

It has...

98 cal

2 g fat

6.6 net carbs

8.3 g protein

And... it tastes good!  

I'm sure that if you've had real Italian recently, it wouldn't compare to the richness of a real Alfredo sauce, but since I haven't, it felt like I was cheating... sort of!

Anyway, I also went to the gym today after work... sinus/upper respiratory infection not stopping me. It felt good to get back in the gym.  I am hoping I can make it tomorrow too, but with the Impending Inclement Weather, I may be out of luck.  Good thing I have what I need at home to stay on top of it!

So, while I don't weigh in on Tuesday anymore, I am staying true to my Tuesday night Biggest Loser watching!  And as they ate their chocolates in their temptation, I finished off dinner with a Sugar Free Toffee Square!  AMEN and thank God for Russell Stover Sugar Free Toffee Squares!

Snowpalooza

Well, It's snowing again... and this time it's real snow... not that icy mess!  It is absolutely beautiful!

Problem is, that I didn't know about the winter wonderland waiting for me this morning, so I got up early, took a shower, did my make-up, fixed my hair, and got all prettied up for my weigh-in... I decided I wanted to feel pretty as I watched the numbers drop on the scale today... so I bundled up and opened the back door to take Lillie out, right before I was getting ready to leave... and here is what I found...

The funniest part is that I still walked out the front door to find my car covered in beautiful powder...

 and what did I do?

I took my tennis racket, brushed off the snow, got in my car and started driving to Medi...

It didn't really occur to me that nobody else was on the road, or that it was still snowing pretty heavily... I just kept driving.  Cedric told me to turn around and go home, because they wouldn't be open, but I was adamant.  Silly me... He talked me into calling... of course nobody answered... why would they?  We're in the middle of Snowpalooza!

But I was so excited to weigh-in, nothing was going to stop me...

When they didn't answer the phone, I turned onto University (from Granbury, because I may have been dumb enough to try to go but I wasn't dumb enough to try the interstate) stopped at the grocery store for toilet paper, and headed home with hummus and a chicken, and no toilet paper!

So... I'm in for my first snow day... since I was one of the few North Texans that actually still has to work on snow days... I just happened to be off today!  

Hoping that the snow will clear up eventually so Cedric can come snuggle with me soon... electric blankets don't have anything on the body warmth of cuddling with someone you love...

For now... I guess Lillie, Puma and Tigre will have to do!

Next weigh-in scheduled for next Friday morning at 7am... after 2 1/2 weeks, I should have a really encouraging loss!  

Even with the horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day I had yesterday, I didn't overeat or have a glass of wine (In fact, now that I think about it, I didn't eat at all last night... oops!)

I was tempted to go straight from work and enjoy my favorite margarita from Gloria's but my friend and mentor caught me before I got down the escalator and let me debrief with her, and reminded me to think about what healthy choices I was going to make to cope with my grief and disappointment.  The gym was closed so I went home and used the balance ball and kettle bell... I talked to Cedric and cried about it (after starting a fight instead of using my words effectively) and he heard me.  Then I watched half of Grey's Anatomy before heading to bed.  

So, I am still on my game... even with the wintry weather that screams eat pizza, chili, cinnamon rolls and everything else in sight!

So, for now... I am using my self-control and enjoying making healthy decisions away from any temptations to eat things I shouldn't and enjoying the snow!

Staying the Course

These are my "Before" and "After losing 40 pounds" pictures that I got from Medi.  I was really supposed to take one after 30 and just kept putting it off... so I guess my "-50" won't really be all that different, but hopefully it will be soon.  I hit a significant goal this week (according to my scale at home) and so I have a feeling that Friday will not be near the disappointment that the past three weeks were.  I'm looking forward to weighing in this week... how deluded is that?

I've enjoyed really good food this week, all of which was healthy... shrimp, salmon, extra lean ground turkey, "portabello pizza," and today I made an awesome pizza... 

High Fiber, Carb Smart whole wheat tortilla (50 cal; 4 net carbs; 5g protein)

pizza sauce made with extra sauteed garlic and habanero 

sauteed onion, garlic, baby bell mushrooms and poblano peppers

1 oz extra lean ground turkey

skim shredded mozzarella cheese

...tonight it's spicy chicken soup from chicken breast, onion, poblano pepper, broth and seasonings... I hope it's good!

All that aside, I guess it's a good thing I already switched my weigh-in days to Fridays because I'm pretty sure Medi is closed today, like half of north Texas... I have to admit, the roads really are bad... and they were worse this afternoon on the way home than they were early early when I went to let Lillie out and go back to work... so I hope that everyone is being careful, staying warm, and enjoying the snow/ice day!

So fresh and so clean

I woke up this morning, before my alarm went off at 5am... but because I hadn't gone to bed until much later than I'd planned last night, I let myself go back to sleep until I woke up a few minutes before my alarm went off at 6am...
I went through my morning ritual and was at the hospital by 7am... Strawberry protein smoothie in tow...
I visited with my friend Kathy for a bit before heading up to the office... she's my weight loss buddy at work... then I went to Cai Cai's Lay Training Committee...
In CPE seminar, I presented Jonah and the Whale for Godly Play and then had an annoying IPR (Interpersonal Relations Seminar)... After lunch, we had a meaningful IPR (part 2) with my colleagues in the privacy of our office... And then, I finally had the first truly meaningful supervision, (sort of like professional therapy, but not... I just don't know how else to explain it in a way that someone outside the CPE world can even fathom) in two units, because I met with both supervisors and was finally actually heard, for the first time... I apparently scared the crap out of a patient by walking into the room and introducing myself as a patient... to an extreme that I had never experienced before... talk about a prescription for a power trip (if I were that sort of chaplain)!
After work I had a fun, invigorating workout... truly... I am pretty sure I danced through half of it, without any regard to those around me... which was made easier by the fact that I wasn't wearing my glasses!
I stopped by Target on the way home and got some kitty litter, toothpaste, and fish... exciting huh?
At Target, I saw a dear friend from ages past in between the seafood and the bread aisle and it was so good to catch up. It's strange how you don't realize how much you've missed someone until you're hugging them after a long separation...
It reminded me of other relationships that I also value deeply that I have been unable to kindle over the past several years, that I miss deeply... and how important it is to me to find a way to re-kindle those relationships now that school no longer swallows me whole.
Speaking of being swallowed whole... that's a pretty reasonable segue into explaining why I changed the name of yesterday's blog...
The "belly of the whale" is a reference to the Godly Play story that I have been engaging the past couple of weeks... Most of the time, we read the story of Jonah and think of being swallowed up by the whale as a bad thing... (or at least I had) but the way that it's resonated with me lately, through Jerome Barryman's creative approach to telling the story, I have recognized the belly of the whale as being God's deliverance... The whale swallows Jonah up while he's sinking in an ocean of despair, after he jumped overboard rather than listen to and speak for God... In the belly of the whale he is alone with the messy goo of his own thoughts echoing in his ears, while the rest of the noise of the world is blocked out... That is exactly where I found myself Tuesday night when the "rescuer" me told the "victim" me... "you're on your own this time!"
I was forced to sit with myself in a cold, dark, emotionally vulnerable space, which forced me to lean on God instead of myself and hear God over my own abusive voice... and trust that God would not let me drown in my own proverbial "suicide attempt"... that God would swallow me up and hold me while I wrestled with myself and spit me back out onto the shore where I needed to be...
Which he did... and today I felt good... I felt motivated... I felt bold enough to be honest in the face of two supervisors, in a way that I knew would result in some painful engagement... which is what I was asking for... because, growth IS what it IS... it's painful and brilliant and necessary... and I am not one to be complacent or content with a static existence...
Then, instead of asking my colleagues to meet me for Happy Hour, I rocked out at the gym... where I encountered a woman I have fostered a pastoral relationship with in the hospital, who acknowledged my weight loss and sought out direction from me, and I was energized by encouraging her with her battle as we exchanged high fives...
Today I felt like I had purged myself of the toxins that were infecting my immune system and I felt physically, emotionally and mentally refreshed and renewed...
I pray I can keep clinging to that and that when I weigh-in again, there will be a tangible reflection of that. Time for bed!
Peace Out!

Revelations from the Belly of the Whale

So this afternoon, while sitting in Systems Seminar (based on the work of Edwin Friedman) in CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education), I had a mind-blowing independent study session...
Our first seminar focused on the transition between the "Conformist" and the "Conscientious" layers of ego development in Jane Loevinger's Ego Development theory... and our second seminar sprang out of a discussion of Edwin Friedman's fable, "Raising Cane."  Somewhere in there my supervisor was using the imagery of viruses to explain the way that fusion between individuals in a  system functions... in that, a virus is a cell that cannot survive in and of itself, and therefore needs another cell to feed on.  The virus attaches itself to the other cell and they become fused... the virus consuming the other cell, sucking it dry and then finding another cell to feed on...
So, this got me to thinking about abusive relationships... because that's essentially how an abuser fuses itself to another individual in a way that produces a relationship where the individual becomes so fused to that abuser that they don't know they can live without the abuser, even to the point that they begin to believe that they cannot get out... I remember thinking, "This is never going to end until one of us dies."
Soooo, this got me thinking about how we fight off viruses... our immune system uses antibodies and antioxidants to fight off viruses, but when our immune system is down, our body can't do that effectively... So, using that imagery, if an abuser is a virus, what is our immune system that either recognizes that virus and rejects it, or that gets compromised and can't see that it's being attacked until it's "too late"?
As I thought about that, I became very aware that Paul wasn't the first abusive relationship I was sucked into... or the last... because for years, I have been in a perpetually abusive relationship with myself....
WOW!
That was huge for me... I almost felt like a light bulb actually turned on above my head... and while the rest of my peers and supervisors were engaged in a completely different conversation, I could tell that whatever reaction I had to my new revelation, my supervisor and at least one of my peers could see the light bulb too... I was writing like a crazy person... it was like this crazy flow sheet starting with viruses, moving to abusive relationships... and on to Karpman's drama triangle...
(Bear with me, for a minute, because this all comes together in the end... I swear)
So... in Karpman's drama triangle, there are three roles... the persecutor, the victim, and the rescuer... Each role functions in a way that perpetuates whatever chronic condition is driving the unhealthy relationship that exists in the system... and the roles are perceived differently depending on whose perspective you're viewing the situation through, within the triangle... for me... in my own relationship with Me, Myself and I... I play all three roles...
As the rescuer, I eat to feel good... to alleviate my own suffering, caused by the persecutor within me that convinces myself that I failed...
So, figuring out these two was easy... but I sat with the last one for awhile... how do I understand myself as "victim"?
I realize that I don't always allow myself to play into that cycle - so what is going on when I do allow myself to hear "you're a failure"...
It's the same thing that allows me to hear others in a way that makes me feel victimized... when I am exhausted, worn out, burned out, drained...
So, of course the key to breaking the cycle is elementary knowledge that anyone in the world can tell you... I need to make sure that I'm getting enough sleep, making time for myself, eating healthy food and exercising so that I keep my emotional immune system healthy so that my "rescuer me" stays the heck out of it and forces me to sit in the proverbial "shit pit" of my emotions until I work it out, rather than eating my way to happy!
Which, by the way, is what I did last night... and THAT is encouraging... that without having consciously identified the abusive cycle yet, I navigated a different way of existing with myself... successfully!
SO... this may be super boring for everyone but me... and maybe confusing for anyone who hasn't been seeped in CPE, chewing on systems theory and ego development theories until they've lost all their flavor... but for me it was helpful to process...
So that's that... Goodnight!


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle