When Life Has Other Plans

I was planning for a productive weekend this weekend. I was excited that my cousin got to come over for dinner Friday night so we could spend some quality time together. He was supposed to work yesterday but got called off work so we got to hang out more, which was nice but he would have rather been able to work so he can get back home to his family. 

However, I am grateful he got called off because that means he was there when my body decided not to cooperate. Around 1pm, my stomach started hurting. Within 15 minutes the pain had increased and moved to my lower right adbomen. It just got increasingly worse, until I was nauseous from the pain. I finally told him I was convinced I had appendicitis but I'm not a nurse so, we started calling our nurse family and friends and there was a general consensus... Go to the hospital and get it checked out. 

So I called my husband who was working and asked him to come home because I needed to go to the ER. My cousin was kind enough to stay with my kids, and my in-laws brought some reinforcements.... We didn't wait very long at the ER to get back, and they did some blood work and ordered a CAT scan. Sitting still made the pain less intense so I asked the doctor if we could skip thenCAT scan, but the bloodwork had come back and my White Blood Cell count was high, which told him there was likely an infection and he needed the CAT scan. It was a good thing, because I was right a few hours earlier... It was definitely appendicitis and they scheduled an emergency surgery right then. 

Surgery went well, and aside from a post-surgery panic attack and some pain, I'm doing ok. 

I've been able to pump milk and send it home with Cedric every couple of hours. I'm finally eating something. Hopefully they'll send me home soon because I miss my babies!!!!!!

Momming is HARD

Today was one of those hard Mom days... Our hard is different on different days... And my hard is different from your hard, but it's hard work nonetheless... Today was a hard "working mom" day. I scurried around the house getting two girls and myself ready, starting with my early morning pump session to keep up my supply and trying to get us out the door on time with lunches and bottles and extra diapers and clothes for the little, my three giant water cups and pink drinks for the day, pink drinks and vitamins set out for my husband... And big sister wanted me to hold her while she ate breakfast, and her hair was a mess, and little sister was sleeping until it was time to go, so I grabbed her to change her diaper before we ran out the door... And she woke up happy and giggling and wanting to play...and my mama heart broke. Because I wanted to stay and play and enjoy those giggles... I wanted to get to make her giggle and just be... Just be with her... But we were already late and I had to scoop her up and put her in her car seat and off we went. 

So we got to school and dropped off big sister and of course she was happy to be with her friends. I took little sister to her room, got her bottles in the fridge and sat down to nurse her before I left (like I always do). When she was done, she needed a diaper change. I wanted to change her diaper, but I'd spent too much time talking to another mommy in between dropping the two girls off, and now another mommy was using the changing table, and I was soooo late for work... I had to hand her off to her teacher and kiss her goodbye and it just broke me. What kind of Mom am I that I don't have enough time to giggle with my  baby first thing in the morning? What kind of Mom am I that I don't have enough time to change her diaper so I can enjoy one last moment of giggles? (She loves having her diaper changed.)

What kind of mom am I that my baby spends more time with strangers than she does with her family? It was especially painful after arriving to pick her up yesterday to find her crying huge crocodile tears on the floor by herself, while one of her teachers was just watching the older babies play across the room. What kind of Mom am I that I can't find a way to be with her instead of leaving her all day with people who can't love her like I can?

So I spent the day on the verge of tears all day, and they came a few times for sure. 

It's hard being a mommy. It's hard knowing what the right thing is and figuring out how to make the next best thing work when the best thing isn't an option. It's hard to be away from your baby more than you're with her, and trust that she is in good hands. 

I'm working hard every day to make a better life for our family... To make it so that I can be home with them and give them my attention... The attention they deserve. But until then, it's hard!

So when I get home, this is the only thing I know to do...

  Hold her and pray!

Starting Over For THE LAST TIME

I can't believe I'm here agin but I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT BE HERE AGAIN! 

Not only do I want it, but I've found the tools I need to be successful that are sustainable. No more fads, no more ketosis, no more deprivation, cheats, magic solutions... 

Just healthy choices! Healthy guts! Daily activity! Drinking enough water (which you may be surprised is actually HALF YOIR BODY WEIGHT in ounces... So yeah, you're probably not drinking enough either). 

My beautiful girls deserve a healthy Mama and a good role model of how to take care of yourself and love yourself. 

So yeah... I'm doing the damn thing... 29 pounds down since I delivered Berkleigh in May... 

I'm committed to healthy choices. I take my Plexus supplements religiously... Slim helps me regulate blood sugars so I don't have cravings and don't have crashes. Probio5 and BioCleanse clean out my gut so my whole body works the way it's supposed to. My XFactor has 833% DV of B12, 500% of B6, 250% of Vit D, 333% of Vit C and 100% of everything else I need. My MegaX has Omega 3,5,6,7 and 9. 

I lost 3 pounds last week!!! 

Wanna join me? It's easier together!!!!

Wounded

When I was a kid we lived in the country in Oklahoma… the driveway to our house was a long gravel road from the interstate and that is where I learned to ride my bicycle… I still have sweet dreams of that house and the mulberry tree we used to climb up in and eat the mulberries straight off the tree… bugs and all... I can remember when I was riding my bike up and down that gravel road one day and I lost my balance and veered to the side of the road and crashed… I banged up my knee pretty good and had gravel up under the skin… it was pretty gross and it really hurt… my parents used “monkey blood” to clean it out and disinfect it (that red stuff that hurt like the dickens, but it worked)…. As carefully as they tended to my wound, I still have a scar on my knee where the gravel was…  That is the nature of wounds… even the small ones leave scars. Reminders of where we’ve been, lessons we’ve learned, reminders of how to protect ourselves from hurting our self in that way again. But before they are scars, they are wounds… open, exposed, painful, messy wounds.

Wounds can take on a life of their own… if not properly cared for, they can become infected and take over your body… and if they get bad enough, a special wound care doctor has to come in to oversee their care. It involves carefully inspecting it and debriding it… removing the dead, damaged or infected tissue to improve the healing potential. It requires proper calorie and nutrition intake to give the body the energy it needs to heal. It requires constant oversight and attention to make sure that infection doesn’t set in and take over. In their early stages, wound are uncomfortable… a nagging feeling to remind you they are there… but not so uncomfortable that you feel the need to do stop what you’re doing to address it… and sometimes the care necessary to heal is uncomfortable, even painful and leaves the wound even more exposed and sensitive to the outside elements. To an untrained eye, one may see necrotic tissue of a wound and think it’s scabbing over… it’s hard and black or gray… one may think that maybe it will just heal itself… But, under the surface the infection is taking over and if the wound doesn’t get the care it needs it can eat away at the tissue, and the tissue cells begin to die as it spreads and goes deeper into the body… eventually seeping into the bloodstream… an then we have a whole new problem as sepsis surges through the body and it’s too late. By that time, the discomfort has become painful and debilitating… stopping you in your tracks… What a tragedy to be poisoned to death when proper attention and care, while painful, could have provided the healing necessary to recover and thrive…

I probably don’t need to say this… because if you know me at all, you know where I’m going with this…. But just to make things plain… Racism is our wound, America… any reasonable person, regardless of your worldview cannot deny that our nation is hurting and broken where race is concerned… the people in the streets of our cities all across the nation are proof that racial tensions have hit a breaking point.  Our scab has been knocked off and exposed a septic wound that has eaten away at the very fibers of our being and poisoned our institutions and systems in ways that we cannot even see… WE ARE SEPTIC and if we don’t comply with some serious life-saving measures and apply the necessary treatment to clean out our systems and start healing, we are going to self-destruct… that’s not me being dramatic… that is real life… even if you don’t see it.

As a Chaplain, I have learned many things from the patients and families I have served, but even if I had learned nothing else, I know this much to be true…. Presence, compassion and empathy are powerful and vital tools for standing with those who are hurting, grieving and struggling with the deepest of sorrows, anger and fear… Compassion and empathy are the only ways to sit with them and offer your self… your presence… your acknowledgement of their personhood and their pain, when there are no words for the tragedy they are facing… When cards and hot meals and flowers and texts and Facebook messages of sympathy are lost in the winds of well-meaning attempts to fill the awkward silence when people don’t know what to say. Presence, compassion and empathy are the tools that can create sacred space that invites someone to be authentic in their pain and struggle, and sometimes…. sometimes… you are privileged enough to be invited into their journey, to walk with them as an ally, to be their partner in the struggle to create meaning and find the Divine in the aftermath of destruction and chaos. Only, to do that means being vulnerable yourself… you can’t truly journey with someone in their struggles without hearing with your heart… and sometimes that means hearing things that convict you and make you uncomfortable… I’ve heard Moms who have experienced neo-natal loss share other people’s reactions to them sharing their “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep” photos of their infant… that it made others too sad to see pictures of their now precious child… “I’m sorry the photos of my dead child make you sad, but this is my child, and I want to acknowledge and honor this member of our family.” My pediatric hospice patients’ parents who share how their support system dwindles when they make the decision to go on hospice because their friends and church communities can’t handle the thought of children dying. It’s selfish… human, but selfish. 

            Presence, compassion and empathy are vital tools for creating sacred space that invites people to begin to heal… but at the end of the day… No amount of presence or compassion or empathy is going to put you in another person’s shoes… We are limited in our understanding… in our worldview… by our own experiences… and until we can acknowledge that and acknowledge that limitedness equates to blind spots in seeing the whole picture when it comes to tragedies that affect other people’s lives… we cannot engage in meaningful conversation about things that really matter…  like race and our nation’s eternal struggle with how to acknowledge the intricacies of how our history informs present day race relations and racial tensions in this country. 

Here’s the deal… It’s not intrinsically bad that our nation continues to have difficulty navigating race relations (except that it is the result of centuries of slavery and segregation in our nation… which is, in and of itself, intrinsically evil). But our history (those centuries I just mentioned, followed by the fact that there are still individuals who were alive during Jim Crow) makes it impossible for our struggle to have been resolved… The consequences of centuries of slavery and segregation are not going to be erased or eradicated in less than 1/3 of the time they were the societal norm…That is not how grief  and oppression and healing works. The problem is not that we still struggle… it’s that we want so badly not to…. We want so desperately for it not to be a problem… to put it behind us, that we pretend that it’s not a problem until we can’t anymore… we take such offense at the notion that we benefit from its existence… and, by “we” I mean white people… It offends on multiple levels… on one level, we can’t accept the differentiation that you don’t have to be “a racist” to benefit from white privilege and a society whose very fabric is woven with systemic and institutionalized racism (the way its also woven with patriarchy)… it just is what it is, whether you want to accept the boost it provides or not. Which hits the other nerve… to acknowledge that we didn’t all start off on the same ground, somehow minimizes the hard work we’ve put into achieving the successes and achievements that we are so proud of…  Just because someone else has to work twice as hard to get where you’ve gotten doesn’t mean that you haven’t worked hard… it just means that they have had obstacles we know nothing about. This idea of white privilege hits our nerves in such a way that we feel we have to reject the notion of systemic and institutionalized racism in order to pardon ourselves from participation in anything racist and hold onto the pride we have in our accomplishments… we are so bound up in our own comfort with the status quo that when it implodes on itself we try to blame the “victims” and transfer the issues, deflecting to how “they need to do better” because the exposal of the Truth makes us feel guilty and like something is being taken from us… and that’s uncomfortable… It’s easier to feel good about how far we’ve come, individually and as a nation, without acknowledging that our nation, just like each of us individually, are a work in progress, we have wounds that need to be healed so we can become whole in our broken places…. 

             We can’t continue to say “I’m so tired of hearing about racism in America” when we have no idea what that reality is like for those who are living it every day… it’s like being offended at a grieving mother’s photo of her dead child… Get over it and put your big-kid pants on because we have some tough work to do…

            I will admit that for months I have struggled and wrestled with what part I play in the current struggle we are facing… it started with Trayvon Martin when I was pregnant with our first child and I was trying to articulate the extra layer of fears the mother of a “brown baby” must wrestle with on top the fears any mother experiences… because every mother worries about her baby out in the world, unable to protect them from the inevitable pains and struggles and evils they will face…  but if your child is brown or black… and God forbid, male… those pains, and struggles and evils are multiplied simply because of the color of their skin… something they cannot control and cannot hide or “overcompensate” for with “good behavior.”  And trying to articulate this to a loved one whose life-experiences simply limit their capacity for understanding this reality, was isolating… so I kept my mouth shut… And then Michael Brown was shot and killed in broad daylight and we learned there wouldn’t even be a trial… and I tried to talk to my husband about it… my black husband… I wanted to protest with my Black Church Studies Minister colleagues in Dallas and felt like I needed to DO something… to stand up for my husband… and my cousin and his wife and children… my brothers-in-law, and my sister-in-law and nephews… and my friends and colleagues…. And MY DAUGHTER and unborn children… but my husband and I have very different ways of processing this sort of thing and different outward responses and he felt like I was being to vocal and public with my frustration and was concerned that I may offend his friends, and so I learned to keep my mouth shut… because this is more about his experience than mine… so his desires trump mine where this is concerned…. And then while I was still digesting that injustice on my own and feeling paralyzed, we learned that even though Eric Garner was killed in the light of day, ON CAMERA FOR THE WORLD TO SEE, where he unarguably did NOT resist arrest, by a police officer who used a banned chokehold to execute and arrest for an infraction that normally warranted a ticket and not an arrest in the first place, where he said ELEVEN TIMES…. 11 times…. “I can’t breathe” and multiple police officers continued to bring him down in a chokehold and then sit on him to restrain him without regard for his pleas for life… where he is seen lying on the ground, not breathing and no one checks his pulse for 4 minutes… no one performs CPR at all… and he dies on camera…. We watch him die… and nobody is held responsible… NOBODY! There are so many different factors at play here… so many systemic issues that need addressing… but the one we seem to have the hardest time with is that if Eric Garner were white… this whole scenario would be different… and he most likely wouldn’t have been dead… and even if he had still been arrested and died in the process, there would have undoubtedly been an indictment… It makes me sick… It scares the shit out of me… literally terrifies me to the point that I have resorted to praying that as I will someday bring another child into this world, that it won’t be a boy… because I don’t think my heart can handle the weight of that responsibility… to protect him, teach him how to protect himself by making himself smaller when he is being disrespected by authority whose fears and ignorance are blinding and incite panicked and fatal reactions… I can’t imagine that God would trust me with the weight of that responsibility for Her child.

            I’m not sorry… My silence is suffocating me… and I can’t breathe anymore… Literally… I sit and think about my daughter and the children we want to have in the future, and I CANNOT stay silent anymore… When they learn about this in their history lessons, because make no mistake… this is a pivotal moment in history… and they ask me about it, I have to be able to show them that I fought for change so that they wouldn’t have to experience the gravity of the struggle we are facing today… And finally, I stand up not only for them, but for me… For my soul… To address the sickness in my gut… My soul is not right with this… I have been aching and sick because if this were 5 years ago… I would be standing up in a much more active way… and the fact that I have censored myself has added salt to an already aching wound in my heart… I know better… I know that there are different realities for how this world is experienced based on race, gender, class, physical ability, mental health… and I know that my salvation in the Kin-dom is wrapped up with that of my neighbors… So…. This is where I start… My Presence and Compassion and Empathy without censor… We have to start having difficult conversations… not only in times of crisis, but ongoing conversations about how we can clean up this oozing wound of ours… We have to do better…

#blacklivesmatter

~Rev. Megan Elizabeth Lilburn Turner, MDiv

“If you have come here to help me then you are wasting your time… But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.” ~Lila Watson

Taking a New Direction….

So, not because weight isn't still a battle in my life… or because I have given up on weight… but because life happens and I miss writing, I have acknowledged that I have more to write about than just a weight loss journey, when it comes to healing my soul and uncovering the me I was created to be… so, I am going to attempt to resurrect this blog… and my first post is going to be much different than anything I have posted before… But it comes from the deepest places of my soul… because I just couldn't breathe anymore…

Since my last post, over two years ago, a great deal has changed in my life.  In November of 2012 I married my love after 5 years of dating…

and in September of 2013 we welcomed our beautiful daughter Sophia Grace into the world… and our lives were changed forever…

Life has been a crazy, beautiful mess ever since and I can't imagine it any other way.

Healthy Body, Mind and Soul

So I haven't been as faithful a blogger this time around as I was last... not because I haven't been successful or because I am less committed, but because I am so rarely sitting in front of a computer where I can... and my personal computer is now out of commission, at least temporarily.
So... to catch you up on this journey... I weighed in for my week four appointment today and I have lost a total of 16.5 lbs and lost 3 inches in my waist so far... which is good and exciting.  In addition to doing Medi, I have also been on another journey... I started a 60 day challenge with Bikram Yoga, which has been really perfect for me. I have to do 60 classes in 60 days, and who wants to exercise in a 105 degree room for 90 min at a time more than once in a day... which makes me even more motivated to go every day. I can feel a change in my body... and in my spirit... My practice (overall) has improved (even though, of course, I still have bad days)... so today will be 18 days in a row... and I really LOVE it. My biggest challenge is staying hydrated though... because you sweat like nobody's business and I can't drink the coconut water or normal sports drinks because of the carbs (because of Medi) so, it has been a challenge... one that has resulted in 2 migraines during the 18 days... But the reality is, I need to stay hydrated anyway... so I just have to keep working at it.
Anyway... in addition to Medi, and Yoga, I have also been doing Spiritual Direction which was exactly what I needed to jumpstart my whole balancing act... helping me to balance my emotional and spiritual life and practice spiritual discipline. During my first session... before I started back to Medi or Bikram... she invited me to remember what it felt like to be the authentic Megan i have known in the past... and I remembered that there were times when I was Brave, Bold, Balanced, and Healthy and so that became my mantra... and my drive to be those things again...
Life long practices to keep balanced and healthy...

8.9

So today was my week 1 weigh-in and I lost 8.9.
I'll admit, it was a bad week to start because, months ago, we made reservations for restaurant week at Del Frisco's with Sarah and Adrian... And I've never been to Del Frisco's so we weren't about to cancel and you can't not have the full experience. I didn't overdo it, but I didn't eat only protein either, so I fell out of ketosis. And Saturday I walked 3+ miles with Dory and didn't increase my caloric intake so (apparently) my body went into starvation mode... And they saw that in my numbers before i even told her about the walk... but 8.9 is good. And I'll do week 1 again this week and get off to a better start. I feel good about my week and the 8.9 lb loss! This week will be even better!

Weight Loss Wednesday

Yesterday morning when I woke up, I was really dragging. I could barely force myself out of bed an hour after I had intended on getting moving and it really took a lot to get going. This morning, I woke up to Tigre meowing for breakfast and Dory whining to go outside at 5:54... which is Dory's chosen time to go out every morning... and I wasn't groggy at all, after I took Dory out I laid in bed with her for another 45 min but I wasn't sleepy... I got up, I got ready and I was out the door, feeling good and energetic. 
AND.... I know you aren't supposed to get on the scale throughout the week because it can be discouraging and disillusioning and all that... but I did it anyway... and DANG GINA... I am so glad I did... Even though I know that a lot of the loss was water weight, it is still extremely motivating... because I had already lost 6.9 lbs in just one day... That will help me make it through one more day!

Medi: Part II

So I went back to Medi yesterday and I'm starting all over again... since I know that it works, as long as I follow the program... it seemed like the best way to tackle this demon.
It's expenisve and I am not sure how long I will be able to afford it, but I figure if that isn't motivation to make it work, then I am in trouble anyway.
So far, today, I am doing well.  I'm drinking my water. I had a protein shake and a hard boiled egg for breakfast; a protein shake and a mini baby bell for lunch; and I plan on having tilapia for dinner.  I am hungry and have a but of a headache but I knew that would be the case... and at least for the first week, it will only get worse.  Then next week, it will start to get better until I start to feel good.
Last Friday I went to my first Spiritual Direction session, and I am excited about beginning a new journey to wholeness, which means spiritual, emotional and pysical health. My jounrey is to rediscover the authentic Megan... who is Brave, Bold, Healthy, Joyful and Trusting.  There are so many goals that I want in life and I need to be Brave, Bold, Healthy, Joyful and Trusting in order to reach them.
So I am looking forward to this new journey and will need a lot of accountability!

Self-disgust

I watched Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition and Jacqui was crying b she had to look at herself and it made me face it... It was time to get on the scale.
So I got on the scale today and immediately felt nauseous. I'm recommitted. My body has been telling me that I need to pay attention. I have cankles for the first time in my life and they hurt so bad when I walk. I'm never hungry and food doesn't even taste good anymore but I keep eating. I'm so done. It starts right now!

Thanksgivings

The past several days have been wonderfully relaxing... I have been "unemployed" for 3 days... tomorrow will make 4... before I start my new job on Tuesday. I am very excited and still somewhat anxious... it's like a part of me doesn't believe it's real until I get there... but I have been trying to just relax and enjoy a few days of doing whatever I want... even if that is nothing... and I did a lot of that... But yesterday I got out and rode my bicycle which felt great. Today I got in the gym and pushed myself on the treadmill... doing sprints faster than I've done before... and It felt amazing that I could do it... I just need to work through my fear of jumping on and off the sides onto a fast moving treadmill so that I can go a little faster. I just push the button to speed up and slow down while i run which isn't extremely effective. I'll get there though.... Anyway, to catch up on the things I'm thankful for...

Thursday, 3 November - The wonderful people at United Way of Tarrant County, the blessing of having the opportunity to work with them during the campaign this year, and for Happy Hour fellowship with them to celebrate Cory's and my entrance into the 9-5 world of stability and consistency.

Friday, 4 November - Spending time with my old friend Sarah (Meadows) Perez... it had been too long and it felt so good to hang out like old times.

(an old pic but a good one)

Saturday, 5 November - For my amazing family that continues to grow...

Today I'm thankful for my the worship service at my church... today's service exemplified the reasons why I chose to make FW1st my home.
Looking forward to my first week at my new job! Hope you all have a wonderful week too!

Successes, Opportunties for Growth and Thanksgivings

Today was an overall successful day. I finished the day with 6 Pts+ points left. I resisted a second chicken enchilada at lunch (which were really good), I resisted pizza and candy and pumpkin pie at the office, I enjoyed sushi/sashimi with a friend for a healthy dinner, and I feel good.
Like any day... there were Opportunities for growth... like the fact that I didn't make it to the gym... I could give you an excuse, but the reality is that I was resistant and just didn't want to go...
But, today I am thankful for grace... because in between the successes and the opportunities for growth is a new-found grace that has taught me that I haven't failed.

11-1-11

On this day of "1's"... Being 11-1-11... I found myself at Day 1 all over again... and it went great!
I came in 5 Pts+ points less than goal and I feel fulfilled.
I also returned to another key ritual in my weight loss success... watching the Biggest Loser... I am three weeks behind but I have them all on my DVR so I started playing catch up tonight... starting with the one where Hannah returns... which was just the inspiration I needed... Thanks Hannah!
In the spirit of the 11th month of the year... the month of my birth as well as the month of Thanksgiving... I will try to post about something I am thankful for every day...
Today I am thankful for hope.

Self-Definition

So... for the sake of stating the obvious... It has been a long time since I've posted... Alot has happened since I last wrote and my body feels it.  Several months ago... I had an interview in Cleveland, Ohio with a highly regarded hospital for a position as a full-time chaplain.  Needless to say, that interview process left much to be desired... not including the fact that I was not offered the position, because after that process, I was certain it was not a good fit for me...
That experience, however, set into motion a downward spiral of emotional, physical and mental destructiveness as I allowed the feedback of one individual to steal my own authority, self-definition and ultimately my power.  One of my biggest regrets that resulted from that interview, and there are many, is that I discontinued my blog... believing that somehow it was crippling me on the job front. Looking back, I realize that the feedback I recieved from that individual revealed more about her than it did about me, but the way I reacted to it (instead of responding) revealed some significant areas of opportunity in my growth, and was worth processing and reflecting on. 
The past several months have encompassed a great deal of heart-ache, stress, despair, hope, transition, healing, future planning, relationship cut-offs and re-building... however painful it may feel, and ultimately... self-definition.  I have been reflecting on, and processing who I am, what I want and what I need.... re-defining what it means to be me... and be me most fully. 
This is a difficult and painful process... not only for me, but also for those in relationship with me as I begin to re-claim what i need in those relationships in ways that feel like me pushing away, distancing or even cutting-off... but ultimately I believe that it is a life-giving process for me, for those I am in relationship with and for the relationships themselves... I have experienced newness and blossoming in my relationships as they take shape in new ways...
So of course... all of that is well and good... but the most important relationship for any of us, is the one we have with ourself, because this relationship is the one that determines the health and vitality of all other relationships we maintain.  And so the time has come for me to recommit myself to me... to revive my relationship with myself... to listen to my inner being and start tending to my own needs with a more intentional and disciplined focus...
When I listen to myself, I hear my body telling me, it's time to pay attention to it... I have gained some weight back... enough that I feel uncomfortable in my own skin again... and I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to allow myself to gain the weight back after I lost it...
So... I renewed my subscription to Weight Watchers Online today and I started tracking again... I already have a membership to 24 Hr fitness, so there's no excuse not to be active...
I start my new job next week and the office (not that I will ever really be in the office) is literally across the street from one of the gyms I go to... so... It's on!
And in the spirit of that recommital... I recommit myself to my blog as well... this blog has been one of the keys to my success, not only because it holds me accountable, but because it is a way for me to share myself and my story with others who are going through the same struggles... not neccessarily only weight struggles, but the battles with our inner selves that cause us to live in less than life-giving ways.  When sharing my story results in other people sharing their stories with me as well, I feel that sense of community and trust that builds mutality and support.  That is why I blog... it is a positive, life-giving form of self-care... one of multiple forms of self-care that I practice... but one that I have found to meet my needs... and I will not make apologies for it.

Real Talk

So... today I realized that my old theological framework is getting in the way of my weight loss... and since I don't have room for that theological framework in my ministry anymore, it doesn't make sense to function out of it in my personal life... so here's some real talk...
Old framework... grace & compassion = niceness... forgiveness... warm fuzzies
New framework... sometimes grace and compassion is messy and raw... for example, you don't coddle and continue to bail out an addict over and over and over again who is self destructing... you confront them about their addiction and acknowledge the destruction around them and refuse to participate in it anymore...
And... since food is my addiction... it's time I have an intervention... for the past several months I have been lurking in this 10 pound rut and every time I get close to this holy threshold of Onederland, I start back into this binge eating frenzy (justifying it with excuses that its healthy food or that I can start over again tomorrow...)  I keep telling myself it's ok, because that's what "we" tell each other... this proverbial "we" of food junkies... but all that does is keep us stuck where we are...
This brand of grace and compassion doesn't work when it comes to destructive behavior... that's why I'm still right where I was three months ago... because I keep telling myself its ok to have this or that... or "it's just a little bit"... and "I'm really stressed this week"... etc etc etc... IT'S NOT WORKING!
And this weight loss thing isn't about looking good in a swimsuit for me... if it were, maybe that dismissive "grace" would be fine... but weight loss for me... for someone my size is about life and about life lived more fully....
I saw a friend of mine today that I haven't seen in probably a year and she was literally in tears when she saw me... and it wasn't because she wants my body... it's because she loves me and she was celebrating my life being lived more fully!  It was convicting... along side the "Muscle Blast" class she drug me to that totally delivered on it's name, leaving my muscles feeling like jello.  So thank you Sarah Pharr for lovingly participating in my intervention today.
I value the relationships that hold me accountable to my weight loss journey... that call me out when I am tumbling off the wagon head first... and remind me that I am worth it to love myself better than I do... those who will eat healthy with me an work out with me and get excited about healthy choices.
SO... The intervention is in full force...
It's time to get in my own face and stay there.... put down the after dinner Weight Watcher's snacks and the fruit and all the other healthy snacks that defeat their purpose in large quantities.... pop a piece of sugar free gum... and walk away from the kitchen.

Because being morbidly obese is not an acceptable fashion statement... it's not a funny joke to laugh about with one another or a bonding point to perpetuate one another's unhealthy lifestyles by being cohorts in feeding each other's addictions... it's a personal statement of self-worth and self-respect.. and I am tired of communicating that I don't care about myself without having to say a word...

When it comes to weight loss, grace is only effective when it's the exception, not the rule!

Headed back to the gym tomorrow and I'm pumped!

R&R

Well, it's the last day of my vacation and it has truly been refreshing.  I have spent my days hanging out with Reece and my evenings giggling and laughing with Jen.  Baby's and laughter are certainly therapeutic.  I've also been staying active.  Saturday, Sunday and Monday I took at least 30 minute walks... then Tuesday I decided to earn my WW 5k charm... so I walked 3.1 miles...  Wednesday I walked 3.3 mi...  Thursday I walked 3.5 mi... and today I walked 4.25 mi.
It's been fun pushing myself each day.  I am looking forward to getting on my bike again when I get back home... and back in the gym.  If I can keep this up I will have no problems reaching my goal before my interview and I believe that breaking into Onederland will be breaking through this wall that has me stuck.  I know that the weight will not come off as fast as it did in the beginning, but I believe that I will be able to get out of this 10 lb yo-yo and start losing consistently again.
I am so grateful for the opportunity to take a vacation!  It came at just the right time!  YAY for PTO... I haven't even checked my work email!  :)

Baby Binging My Way into Onederland!

So... seeing as how it's been ages since I've blogged... lots has happened since then.  The biggest being my phone interview... Wednesday I had a phone interview for a hospital chaplain position at the Cleveland Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio.  The interview went very well and they invited me up for a face-to-face interview on June 23rd.  I'm really nervous and really excited and I decided that this is exactly what I need to get me going on my weight loss journey again.  I have been stuck emotionally for several months... processing the frustration of road blocks in my job search as personal rejection and I let this emotion dig me into a deep, muddy hole of depression .  I was functioning out of this false sense of reality that if I work hard, I can achieve anything... I can attain anything... because that has always "worked" for me before.  Now that I'm graduated and ordained, and putting myself out into the world as "Rev. Megan Elizabeth Lilburn, M.Div" for the first time, it's not working anymore... and that disrupted my worldview.  Recently I've reframed this difficult battle to accept that while it's disappointing not to get offers on these jobs I have applied to, it's not a personal rejection, just a reflection of the competitive and highly saturated job market for chaplains. Thursday in my CPE unit evals I explained this new reframing as allowing me to get unstuck...  I finally sat down, put down the shovel and let things dry up a little... I know I'm not out of my hole yet, but I'm not stuck anymore either.  It's still going to take some work to climb out of the hole I dug for myself... but at least I put away my shovel, gave myself time to grieve, and started the work of climbing out.  So... as I make my way out of my emotional hole, I know that it is time to get out of my weight-loss hole too and get my butt in full gear again.... and so I set a new goal of dropping into Onederland before my interview... that means losing about nine pounds in about 4 weeks... which really should not be that hard if I can stay focused....
And watching The Biggest Loser Finale helped too... I totally want to be Hannah!
So Onderland, here I come... but of course... I set this goal just in time to go on vacation!
And... stereotypically speaking... vacations carry with them the fear of putting on extra pounds.
I'm spending the week in Roswell, New Mexico with my best friend Jen and her family... and part of the deal is that I get to keep her baby Reece at home with me while Jen and Matt work.  So... I'm mostly sitting "at home" all day playing with Reece... but when he's sleeping... prime snack time, right?  You would think... but I've been rocking the plan this week!
I'm not sure if it's because I'm not at my own home so I'm not as comfortable snacking or if it's because I am feeling committed to my new goal... but so far, it's been a really great week.  And it helps that Jen is committed to eating healthy too so she is a really good influence on me and a great buddy for eating right!

So Friday night Matt grilled Steak and Zuchini.  Saturday Jen and I drove to Ruidoso and went to the horse races and lost our whole $10 a piece... we each bet $5 a piece on different horses to show in 2 races and we both lost both races... pretty lame!  Then she took me out to dinner at Casa Blanca... for some excellent Chile Rellenos.  So yeah, Chile Rellenos aren't exactly "being good" but it was the first day of my Weight Watchers week, because I usually weigh-in on Saturdays, so I had all my "weekly points plus" and I had only used 14 "daily points plus" for breakfast and dinner... so I am still on track with more than enough "weekly points plus" points left.  That is part of the beauty of Weight Watchers!
For breakfast I've been having Bagel sandwiches with Bagel Thins, 1/3 less fat Cream Cheese and Deli Fresh turkey slices with an orange or a grapefruit (for a 6 point breakfast).  For Lunch I've been making sandwiches with Bagel Thins, Weight Watchers spreadable Swiss Cheese wedges, Avocado and a Boca burger pattie (for an 8 point lunch).  Last night Matt grilled chicken and veggie kabobs.  Tonight Jen is making Poblanos stuffed with lean ground turkey, brown rice, reduced fat cheese and rotel (an 8 point dinner).  Tomorrow night I am making Chicken Amore.  Wednesday night I'm making turkey burgers stuffed with reduced fat string cheese and steamed broccoli.  Thursday night I'm cooking Soy Glazed Salmon and Soy Glazed Green Beans.
I've been snacking on fruit and resisting Matt's Doritos, even though they are tempting... so  I got some Quaker Quakes Rice Cake Snacks instead. 
I've gone for at least a 30 minute walk every day.  This morning I woke up and ate my breakfast, then Reece woke up and I fed him and we went for a long walk.  He fell asleep by the time we got home and I took a shower while he napped.  Then we played some more until he went down for another nap at noon.  Jen and Matt came home at lunch and we ate lunch and then Reece woke up and I seasoned the chicken and ground turkey while they played with him.  It's been lots of fun... truly the good life!  I joked earlier today with Caitlin that I was Baby Binging... instead of food binging... eating up all the baby time I can while I can!  Quality baby time is a supreme substitute for food... I'll take it any day!
I fully expect that I will be right on target this week and look forward to weighing in when I get back in town... and until then... I am having lots of fun!

Stress Eating Keeps Me Stuck

Wow... so it's been a loooong time... probably because weight loss is not going so well... I'm just sort of hanging in the balance... everyday I have to start over... last week I only lost 0.2 lbs but at least it was a loss...
I am trying all the recommended "tricks"...
trying new foods... changing things up... using my weekly points plus on weekends or special occasions instead of spreading them out over the week. 
My new favorite veggie treat is butternut squash fries... they're fantastic.  You just cut up a squash in fry-like pieces, spray the pan with olive oil cooking spray, spread the fries out, spray the tops with a little olive oil cooking spray and season (I use a little garlic salt and cayenne pepper). 
I've changed up breakfast... sometimes it's steel cut oats with dried fruit, sometimes its eggs, sometimes its an english muffin with PB2, sometimes I go back to my old faithful strawberry banana protein smoothie...
I've been bringing my lunch to work so I'm not tempted to eat whatever sounds good in the cafeteria, ie. PIZZA... 
I've been riding my bike to work...
But I haven't had the drive to get to the gym... and when I get home... I snack... lots of fruits mostly, but that doesn't help with weight loss... So the journey continues... I'm ready to conquer this stress hump and get moving again! 

Start-Over Sundays!

It's another start-up day... the past several weeks have been less than ideal and so has my diet... 

which obviously reflected on the scale yesterday when I went to the Weight Watchers meeting on Hulen for the first time.  So... it's time to get my butt in gear again!  

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and stocked up on good foods to help me get back on track and spent today cooking and cleaning... trying once again to get back on board!

Got some fruits and veggies and lean meats...

So... 

for breakfast I had steel cut oats cooked with dried cranberries, dried blueberries and and raisins!

(7 PPV)

For lunch I had a delicious new creation...

Sun-Dried Tomato FlatOut (3 PPV)

1/3 c pizza sauce (1 PPV)

1/2 c shredded cheese (4 PPV)

Sauteed artichoke hearts and broccoli florets (FREE)

I made an extra pizza for tomorrow (when I am stuck at work for 28 hrs)

I made my favorite Mashed Cauliflower and Butternut Squash Soup and portioned them out for the week...

I made butternut Squash fries for a snack today... just sliced the squash in strips and sprayed it with a little Olive Oil, sprinkled it with salt and cooked it on 350 for 30 min. 

Delicious!

I got some frozen Smart Ones and Lean Cuisine meals too... for those days that I need to leave for work in a rush, so that I don't wing it in the cafeteria.

I am starting over again again and hoping that maybe I can divert my attention and focus and stresses into the one thing I have control over these days!

So... here it goes!

Today was successful... until the migraine now that won't go away!  Going to bed and praying for success tomorrow too!

Confessions of a Grieving Pastor

Blogging has been on my mind a lot lately... because I am acutely aware that it is yet another thing in my world that I feel I am failing at lately... and ultimately it ties into the running theme of this season in my life... While those of us who are Christians just celebrated Easter yesterday, and the resurrection and promise of new life that it means to us, I find myself still stuck in Holy Saturday... stuck in grief and sadness and a heaviness that won't lift.
Now, I know this blog has been set up as primarily a blog of my weight loss journey, but the reality is, it's called "Uncovering Me: Shedding my Hide" and there is a whole lot more involved in the vulnerability and humility that requires than specifically weight loss related exploration, and of course, what I know about my journey is that, directly or indirectly, because of the nature of addictions, regardless of the substance of choice, there is nothing that isn't tied to my weight and my relationship with myself, and with my substance of choice.
A few weeks ago, my parents came to visit us in Fort Worth and on the last day, while we were at lunch, Mom shared with me that she could see the absence of peace within me.  She was right.  I am living in turmoil and anxiety and fear and shame and... ultimately grief. 
Part of my Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) Residency involves having weekly "Individual Supervision" for one hour with just me and my supervisor, as well as a weekly "Interpersonal Relations" seminary with the rest of my CPE peers and our supervisors.  The past couple of weeks have been difficult as I have poured myself out and allowed myself to be vulnerable in these places, but apparently not vulnerable enough, because my shame and my pride prevent me from being completely exposed... and ultimately that deadly pair are my worst enemy. 
In IPR one of my peers called me a spoiled brat... that was tough to hear!  I just said thank you when she was finished yelling at me... and then continued to figure out what it meant throughout the rest of the day... I didn't cry... I kept a face solid as stone... but of course, that can't last forever... and the tears that came later that day poured out like a fountain flooding over...  Somewhere in there, after the berading and before the flood, I received an email through facebook in response to a posting I had made on a FB group called "Sisters of the Cloth" where I asked for prayers in my search for a ministry position.  The email was from a woman who had been a Peace Intern at my church camp my senior year of high school, when I was president of the state youth group.  She just wanted to let me know that she remembered me and my leadership fondly... It was humbling and affirming, but frustrating at the same time... because I know I'm a good leader... I know I'm a good minister... but somehow that doesn't matter... it's not good enough! 
Later that day I asked my supervisor for some supervision time and he got in my face too... He has been beating his head against a wall the past weeks trying to open my eyes and help me out... He has repeatedly challenged me to acknowledge that something is dying... and I am not going to be able to move forward until I honor what is dying and allow myself to grieve... only I can't for the life of me figure out what it is that's dying.  He has hinted that it might have something to do with my dysfunctional set of standards for myself that are ultimately crippling me... this idea that my success is measured by a timeline of my accomplishments (or lack thereof) and the reality that life hasn't played out the way I imagined... not that it ever does for anyone... and I guess that does make me a "spoiled brat" to think that I would be different or special... but as my future charges at me like a fast-moving train, with my current residency position coming to a jolting halt in September... and, as much as I'm ashamed to admit that I care, the fact that my 30th birthday is creeping up... I guess maybe I'm grieving that I'm not where I'd hoped I would be... and that due to my own human limitations... I have no earthly clue what my future holds... my desires and passions are on hold and there's nothing I can do... and I'm searching for peace... and I feel sometimes as though I have found it... and I can feel myself just allowing myself to be in the present and not worry about the future... I find myself laughing with loved ones, singing in the car at the top of my lungs with the windows down and the wind blowing in my hair... but ultimately I keep coming back to this dark place where I feel alone and ashamed and trapped, suffocated and paralyzed by my own lack of faith and I wonder, how in the world can I be a spiritual leader with such a fleeting faith?  How can I expect the patients, families and staff in my hospital to feel safe with me when they are exposed and vulnerable if I can't allow myself to do the same with the people who love me and know me... The problem is, that in order to be fully loved... we have to be fully known, otherwise we're only loved as much as we're known... and in order to be fully known... we have to be transparent and vulnerable... and that requires putting away shame and pride in order to be real with people... Shame and pride can lead to deep loneliness... surrounded by people who want to love you... but can't unless you let them in.
So in the spirit of "uncovering myself" and "shedding my hide" I am trying to challenge myself to be more humble and transparent and less driven by shame and pride...
I am grieving... so I hope that you can be patient with me... I'm not asking to be coddled... In fact, call me out if you feel I need it... just don't give up on me... I promise I am trying...